Mike Tyson: In His Own Words

Publisher's note- I was rummaging through all of the stacks of papers on my desk from potential writers when I came across this powerful look into the mind of Mike Tyson. Its power lies in its truth. It would not have any meaning had it not come from Mike Tyson himself. Here is Mr. Tyson's view of his surroundings, enjoy.

The Abyss of Absurdity

(Editor's note- Any misspellings or other improper use of the English language have been left unedited in order to capture the true emotion of the author's words. Although, you do kinda wonder if this guy's got spell-check on his computer.)

In my life I have felt humiliation, degagation, and any other T-I-O-N you can think of. I used to be synonymous with manliness, now I am synonymous with debutchery. I weep like a woman as I sit in my bubble bath. I am fully cognacient of people's perception of me. Listen, bitches look at me as some kind of loon. Like one of those Loony Toons. Like mothafucking Bugs Bunny or some shit. Daffy Duck mothafucker. I don't get as much ass now that I'm married again. Man, bitches are scared of me!

I am the type of guy who is misunderstood and underestimated. People think I'm just some tough guy who beats up mothafuckers and bitches for fun. They don't know that I cry until I piss my pants when Sam I Am finally decides that he'll eat those green eggs and ham. It's a beautiful thing. There's so much beauty in the world. I've seen the beauty of fear with my own eyes. It happened when Trevor Burbeck was making womanly gestures like "Uhhh, errr, eeee," towards the end of our bout with one another.

That's how I view boxing, it's a bout with one another not against. It's like a poetic tango between two scientists. And then I come in and punch a mothafucker in the face until he bleeds. Before each match I pray for that blood to splatter on me so that I can suck it off my gloves and boxing shorts when I get back to my dressing room. My opponent's blood gives me power.

Remember that one bitch I married from that tv show? I saw that show after I married that bitch and that's why I smacked that whore. I have deamons that I cannot control.

An oft expounded upon shenanigan is my episode with Evander Holifield. I feel an explanation is in order. During my training for the second fight with Evander I developed a taste for human flesh. I stalked one elementary school and beat up an assmunch until he died form my wicked right crosses. It was funny as shit bitch. So then I ate him. Man, that lil bitch was delicious. During the fight, I saw Evander's ear, cawling me saying "Mike eat me. Please eat me," it continued, "are you a bitch Mike? If you don't take a big bite outta me you're a bitch." So a man did what he had to do.

They also say I'm stupid. I know, I can read bitch. Man I read it on tv and in the papers; I read that shit. Like they said I was stupid and crazy when I threatened to eat Lennox Lewis children. I told Lennox, "I'm gonna eat your children." Fuck that shit, I knew he didn't have any children. That's why I said it, it's called playing mindgames. I made him think about that throughout the whole fite. I'm like a sikeiatric with those mindgames and shit.

I'm not being honest. I made the eating his children remark because I was scared. I knew I would lose that fite. Lennex is bigger than me. Hes dick's bigga than mine, ya heard? I know how to fuck in the ring. I was scared like a bitch married to me. But yeah, I knew he didn't have any children, I was just scared.

I raped Woody Allen in prison. Made him my bitch, ya know. He taught me so much. He helped me see that there was more to me than intimidation. I was hurting. It was the first time I got caught for my hobby of raping people. Woody was in there for having sex with his daughter, which is fucking crazy, even for me. I mean I have sex with otha peeps daughters, but my own, damn fuck! That's ludicrous. I'm a real man. Woody taught me its ok to alleviate my pain through crying and using humor instead of raping hoes. He taught me my schooling. That's where I got this expansive vocabulary of words.

I'm just normal, tryin to do that normal thang you know. It's like all these people are looking at me. Those fiters challenge me. How dare they challenge me with their primitive fiting skills! I got those bitchass mothafuckers in the press just trying to take down a black man and a devout Muslim. I go to a restaurant and eat and don't pay for shit. I'm famous. People want to be like me. I got women and men who want to make love to me, it's that real. Real fucking life. That's my life. I just raise my kids, I love them, and hustle the only way I know how. By fiting.

Michael G. Tyson