Pope Adolph I

Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, renamed Pope Adolph I (or Benedict XVI depending on who you ask) was a member of the Hitler Youth when it was the "in" thing in Germany. He enrolled in the Hitler Youth when he was 14 in 1941. The new pope was good friends with the late Mother Teresa, who beat up crippled children because she thought it was funny.

Pope Adolph I gives a nun a communion wafer. If you look close you can see a swastika imprinted of the wafer. Or he's helping that nun drop Ecstasy, whatever's funnier.


But seriously, what the fuck? The pope was a Nazi?! Now, to be fair, he denies sharing the Nazi creed. Pope Adolph I claims that it was compulsory for every German child to join the Hitler Youth, that his family was strictly anti-Nazi, and he deserted the war effort in 1945. We must consider these denials thoughtfully.

The pope claims that he was forced to join the Hitler Youth against his will. It may seem easy to excuse him for this, because of the situation at the time. Any dissenters of the totalitarian state faced possible death. Plus, he was only 14 at the time he joined, just a kid really.

Unfortunately, his participation is not as easily forgiven. He joined the Hitler Youth in 1941, 8 years after Hitler came to power and 2 years after the war began against Poland. The Hitler Youth "served" children of all ages (not Jews), not just 14 year olds. It is quite difficult to imagine that all of the sudden 8 years into Hitler's reign and 2 years after the war in Europe officially began, a 14 year old would be forced to join the Hitler Youth. Either he was forced to join earlier (like in 1933 when Hitler gained power), which obviously he wasn't, or he joined on his own free will.

His age is not a plausible excuse to fall back on either. There is a belief that people should be forgiven for their mistakes when they were 14. In actuality, fourteen-year-olds are quite mature; they know what they're doing. When I was 14, I peed in some tupperware in the Container Store on Rockville Pike. I was asked not to return in the form of a lifetime ban. Perhaps the pope's escapades with the Hitler Youth when he was 14 should have resulted in a lifetime ban for his being pope. That's all I'm saying.

His family was anti-Nazi. Then how come they allowed their son to join Hitler Youth? We've established that it was not compulsory to join. Pope Adolph I is lying about why he joined because it is no longer popular to be associated with the Nazis. It hurts with the women now. It's like a guy who sported a Jerry Curl in the 1980s. At the time he thought he was hip, but now he won't admit he flaunted that hairstyle willingly.

Many people might criticize the pope's desertion of the war as cowardice or unpatriotic. I don't give a shit about that. I would never join the army, when it was actually mandatory or not. What I'm concerned about is that Pope Adolph I is a quitter.

So the Catholics now worship a Nazi Pope, who they selected the day before Hitler's birthday. All I can say now is that the pope is 78 years old and maybe he'll die soon. Then we should epopel Sammy Davis Jr.