The Worst Five Minutes Ever

The day didn't start out too great. I spent 25 minutes riding on the back of Mrs. Fu's bike. There's no padded seat, it's just a flat steel surface. One cheek kept sliding off it. My legs were in a constant curl, with nothing to rest my feet on.

Class was great. The kids asked me great questions and we had a lotta fun. After class, I ate with Agatha. At the restaurant I had to poo. So I closed the bathroom door and shat. Some old dude walked in, and he peed while I pooed in that cozy bathroom. After lunch, I felt stuffed. I rested before I went to play ball.

I played ball for two hours in the scorching heat, with no water and no breaks. I was tired. I took a cab home. It was the first time that I rode in the front of a taxi in China. We nearly died 73 times.

Then, Mr. Huang (Mrs. Fu's husband) took me to my night class on the back of his bike. Immediately, my leg cramped up. I screamed, "Ow, ow, oooh, my leg." He repeated, "Ow, ow oooh, my leg," thinking that I was teaching him English. So I just sat there and rubbed out the pain.

We were almost at the office when I felt like I had to fart. I wasn't feeling so good at that point. So I let one rip and I shit my pants.

But I still had a lot left inside. I tried to tell him to stop near the bathroom, to no avail. We stopped and I got off the bike. My legs had become so stiff that I couldn't extend them. Instead, I collapsed to the ground in front of a good number of people. Ten seconds later, I was able to get up. I very explicitly showed the secretary in the office what I had to do and what I needed to do it (toilet paper). Then, I did my little shit-run towards the bathroom. I got there, but I can't read Chinese, so I spent some more time going back and forth trying to figure out which was the men's bathroom.

Finally, I figured it out and took a liquidy shit. It grossed me out so much that I nearly threw up. The vomit came into my mouth and nose, but I swallowed it to keep my vomitless streak alive.

The door was wide open, so in the middle, I grabbed a mop to keep the door closed. But there was no way to block the window from the prying eyes of construction workers. Then there was a moment when I had to decide whether it was worth saving my underwear or just throwing it away. There were only a few squirt spots, so I decided to wash them out and keep 'em on.

My asshole burns now.