Guide to Anti-Asian American Violence

I understand that there are many people in the United States who want to perform violence against Asian Americans, but executing this can be difficult. Here are a few helpful steps towards attaining your goals.

First, there are numerous different groups that makeup the generic term "Asian American." It is important to understand which group you want to target for your blind rage. Say you are still fighting a war that was lost some thirty years ago against the Vietnamese, now how would throwing a brick at a Malaysian guy help your cause? Quite frankly it wouldn't. So the first step in our little journey is to accurately determine the correct ethnicity of the individual you wish to attack.

I know what you're asking, how do I do that? It's simple. Get to know your potential victim. Hang out with him or her. Learn their likes and dislikes. Ask about their family. Spend countless hours looking at their photo albums and hearing about their grandparents' stories back in the Philippines. Ah, the Philippines, now you've got it!

But you're still not ready to beat someone up simply because of factors that are beyond their control, yet. There are many obstacles to overcome until you reach the perfect act of persecution. While you are crucifying someone, you have to know which slurs to spout. There is nothing more embarrassing than some patriotic American kicking the shit out of an Asian American for the love of country and then to fuck it up by confusing their verbal bigotry. Plus, no one likes an ignorant bigot!

Don't fret, this problem is also easy to conquer. Study your victim's culture. Say you are resolutely anti-Communist. So much so that you have a bunch of naked posters of former senator Joseph McCarthy hanging on your wall, or you have cut the head of former senator Joseph McCarthy out of old newspapers and placed it on posters of naked men's bodies, I don't know it's none of my business, you have a right to privacy, so you really want to beat up some Chinese people. Take classes and learn about Chinese history. Go to China. Learn about the various viewpoints of the over one billion Chinese people. In fact, you should master Chinese. Now you might be ready to smack a Chinese guy in the face and scream the appropriate slander while you do it!

Unfortunately, there is still more to know. You may feel that the Japanese are stealing all of our jobs that rightfully belong to Americans. You have chosen a potential prey. You have followed all of the steps listed above. But you have a problem (besides not picking up a newspaper in the last ten years and clearly not understanding the global economic outlook). What you want to do is to punch a Japanese national right in his penis, not injure a Japanese American. In a way, Japanese Americans are Americans too, you think. 'Hmmm,' you muse, 'dis dun huttin peepel es hard wark.'

Yet again, the problem is all in your mind. There are ways of obtaining an individual's citizenship status. Go to college in a four-year program. Then get a job with the INS. Next, work your way to the point where you have access to such information and whallah!

I am putting this information out there because I want the United States to be a better place. Personally I don't think hurting Asian Americans is right at all, but I am aware that there are people who disagree with me. So all I'm saying to those people is: be smart in your exploits of hatred against your fellow human. Make sure your actions are consistent with your ideology. I am not an Asian American; I am a Jew. And I can assure you that nothing pisses me off more than when some douchebag is beating me mercilessly, when his intention was to wail on a Sephardic Jew. For you see, I'm Ashkenazi.