Out with 2010

Most people greet the coming new year with anticipation. They gladly cast off the previous year, condemn it, and resort to their annual ritual of perfunctory optimism.

I cannot join them. The truth is that I'm too damn content. Sure, not everything is exactly where I want it to be, but that doesn't diminish that fact that every moment is a blessing. I've been satisfied with this past year. I've increased my knowledge exponentially. I've decided to break out of the stultifying constraints of societal mores by sitting down during the national anthem at sporting events. I've maintained my inexplicable charisma with kids.

I'm must say that I'm pleased with my life and with who I am as a person. But don't worry, I'm still pretty upset at everything else in the world.

Returning to the Grocery Store

Today, I realized that I couldn't find the chili in a can or the A-1 sauce I bought from the grocery store yesterday. I found the receipt and, sure enough, they were listed, one above the other. I again searched the house, and the trunk of my car, but couldn't find them. I was aggravated.

I returned to the grocery store, receipt in my holster, prepared for war. I was ready to get angry. In fact, I was looking forward to an epic confrontation.

When I told the woman at the desk what had happened, she told me that I could pick up the two items. She was quite courteous. Don't you just hate when people's innate goodness comes to the surface.

The Tiny Teal Book

My fellow citizens, I know you are familiar with my many insightful decrees. I bet you've been wondering, 'I wish I could have the Dear and Fearless Leader's infinite wisdom in colorful little book form.'

Well fair subjects, here it is. My The Tiny Teal Book. It's available at Amazon.com for $12.95. Possession of The Tiny Teal Book is mandatory at all times.

Quotations from The Tiny Teal Book
"Since all good things come to an end, don't even start."

"It doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty; if you drink it all, the glass will be completely empty."

"'It's six of one, half a dozen of the other' is not a pithy line. I don't like it."

"If you torture someone in a secret prison in Eastern Europe, do they make a sound?"

"If it takes one to know one, do you know one?"

"Do you know where you're going to? You're going to jail if you don't buy my book!"

Aid Miracle into a Narco-State?

The turn around of Mozambique was considered a miracle. It was thought that foreign aid dollars were the impetus in improving the lives of Mozambicans. After a war for independence and a subsequently devastating civil war, Mozambique was apparently an economically growing multi-party democracy.

But the reality is quite different. The vast majority are still poor. They haven't seen progress. Their lives aren't getting better. The rich are getting richer and, in real terms, the poor are getting poorer. Foreign NGOs don't stay long in Mozambique enough to see their programs through; thus, they fail. The Bretton Woods institutions, who supposedly has a role in the remarkable reversal, were responsible for the destruction of one of the most profitable of Mozambican exports, cashews. It wasn't until the government threw away the suggestions of the World Bank and IMF that the cashew market returned to its previous status.

Now, most of the government is corrupt. There are strong ties between President Armando Guebuza and Mohamed Bashir Suleman, a notorious drug trafficker. Illegal drugs are the most profitable business in Mozambique. Mozambique is the second largest transit point for illegal drugs in Africa behind Guinea-Bissau.

Do these realities signify a miracle that the international community should be proud of? Or should the course be changed? Should the Bretton Woods Institutions stop dictating terms and start listening to locals? The free market has failed Mozambique. So did the socialist state of the early independence era. Shouldn't a middle ground be found?
(More at The HQT-IE)

Questions About Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe

Does Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe beat off children onto pictures of terminally ill 9/11 first responders? I'm not saying he does, I'm just asking a question. If he does beat off children onto pictures of terminally ill 9/11 first responders, that is something that the public should know, which is why it is essential that this question is not only asked, but must be answered by Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe.

There's certainly a chance that Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe does not beat off children onto pictures of terminally ill 9/11 first responders, but it is imperative that he answers the question. The ball's in your court Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe. What's it going to be?

Kevin Durant

As of yet, I haven't ranked Kevin Durant as one of the NBA's top ten players. It's possible that he could crack the list this season. Regardless, I believe that he will challenge LeBron James and Dwight Howard as the best player in the league in just a matter of a few years.

Durant is the best scorer in the league. He led the league in scoring average last season and is doing it again this season. He also has extraordinary ball handling skills for his size. He already has those attributes even though he's only 22 years old. It's truly remarkable.

But one interesting habit of the sports media in recent years involves building up a young player beyond his current ability. We dream of what Durant could be and, in the process, overlook his current faults. Then, once he achieves greatness, he will be torn down mercilessly. The arc of media attention LeBron James has received (independent of his move to Miami) is instructive.

Durant's flaws are excusable because he's so young, but they do show that he is not yet a top player. He's a below average on-ball defender. He does accumulate about one steal and one block per game, but we know those statistics are not indicative of the quality of a player's defensive ability. Durant had a good brief stretch guarding Kobe Bryant in the playoffs and his length could eventually make him a lockdown defender if he wants to be. But he's a long way off now. In addition, he's an average rebounder right now at about 6 and half a game.

His biggest deficiency is directly making his teammates better. Of course, being such a prolific scorer will draw attention and give his teammates better shots. But he's not yet able to make the right pass at the right time. He hasn't figured out when to defer and when to take over. He's not a particularly proficient passer either. He has improved his assist to turnover ratio every year in the league, but it's still below one, which, frankly, is terrible for someone who has the ball in his hands so often.

Durant is the best player on a good young team. I always believe your regular season gets you in the discussion for top players, but the playoffs determine your rank. Durant has led his team to one playoff appearance. They were an 8 seed and they lost 4-2in the first round. That hardly holds up against other top players' resumes. You might argue, well, he's young. Give him time. I totally agree. In fact, that's exactly the point.

Christmas

I know millions of Jews have been killed in the name of Jesus Christ over the past 2,000 years, but the Knicks and Amar'e "Semitic" Stoudemire play on ESPN tomorrow. So, you know, all is forgiven.

The Distrust of Dissent

The history of Malawian politics is filled with distrust of dissent. As is the case with the majority of African nations, an autocratic system of government was instituted by the European colonial powers. To call for freedom from repression was to be deemed a traitor.

Hastings Banda, who ruled Malawi from its inception as an independent nation-state until 1994, continued the totalitarian method of governance he inherited from his colonial predecessors. When his ministers challenged his attempts to legalize his autocratic methods internally and his willingness to ally with white apartheid regimes in southern Africa immediately after independence, they were sacked. Several were killed. In the 1980s, several ministers were "accidentalised," a euphemism for a person murdered and then posed to make it look like an accident, when they challenged Banda's potential choice for succession, John Tembo.

The democratic period has not been able to shake this distrust of dissent. President Bakili Muluzi, who ruled from 1994-2004, was never shy of branding his opponents as threats to the nation. the result was that the three major political parties of the era shifted alliances with one another for the sake of convince like a game of musical chairs. Issues took a backseat to personalities and political ploys.

In 2004, Muluzi chose his successor in the person of Bingu wa Mutharika. The two disagreed on policy. There was to be no negotiation. Instead, Mutharika left Muluzi's UDF and began a new party, the DPP. Muluzi has since been charge with corruption dating back to his presidency. After the change of parties, Mutharika's vice president, Cassim Chilumpha, who was a member of the UDF, was charged with treason.

The bottom line is that Malawi's political leaders will continue to be unable to lead Malawians towards the future they deserve until they are able to argue of policy disagreements without questioning each other's patriotism.
(The HQT-IE)

The New Census

The 2010 census results came out. Apparently, Republicans are procreating at a faster rate than Democrats. While some northeastern and midwestern states lost congressional seats, some states in the south gained them.

I for one am willing to participate in rectifying the problem. At this point, I can comfortably impregnate about three liberal women per day, but that can be raised to six a day if I get inspired (unfortunately, not every liberal woman looks as good as Bella Abzug).

Just think of it, in about 18 years the Democrats will be the beneficiaries of the HarazQuack Revolution!

The Unnecessary Pound-for-Pound Best

Here is an updated version of my obnoxiously unnecessary and utterly superfluous list of the top 10 pound-for-pound boxers. The previous list was posted on September 21.

1) Manny Pacquiao (52-3-2, 38 KOs), [Previous Rank: 2]
2) Floyd Mayweather (41-0, 25 KOs), [PR: 1]
3) Sergio Martinez (46-2-2, 25 KOs), [PR: 6]
4) Wladimir Klitschko (55-3, 49 KOs), [PR: 3]
5) Juan Manuel Marquez (52-5-1, 38 KOs), [PR: 7]
6) Vitali Klitschko (41-2, 38 KOs), [PR: 5]
7) Pongsaklek Wonjongkam (77-3-1, 41 KOs), [PR: 8]
8) Fernando Montiel (44-2-2, 34 KOs) [PR: 9]
9) Paul Williams (39-2, 27 KOs), [PR: 4]
10) Timothy Bradley (26-0, 11 KOs) [PR: 10]

A Glorious Day

There is no team I hate more in professional sports more than the Miami Dolphins. My favorite NFL team, the Buffalo Bills beat the Dolphins in Miami 17-14 to crush their dreams of the playoffs.

The Bills are now 4-10. They've won two in a row. In the second half of the season, they're 4-2. One of those losses was a heartbreaking three point loss against the Steelers. The three games before they won their first were all heartbreaking three point losses.

We can play with the numbers and claim that if the Bills had won all of their close games, they'd be 8-6. But it doesn't work that way. The bottom line is that the future looks a lot brighter than it did two months ago. Ryan Fitzpatrick has shown he's capable. Superstar Stevie Johnson, save for one bad game against the Steelers, has broken out. The defense is playing better. Things are looking up!

Bye Bye DADT

Don' Ask Don't Tell was one of those idiotic laws that can only come about through bizarre political compromise completely removed from reality. That it is finally repealed is a small step forward for gay rights.

It's a minor success rooted in a wider fundamental principle. To serve as an openly gay person in the military, an institution that relies on complete obedience and is a symbol of American imperial power, must be a curious sort of freedom indeed. But it is important to chip away at the belief that being gay is a character flaw. Repealing DADT serves that purpose.

Still, there are bigger fish to fry. Of course, gay people should have the right to marry another willing adult regardless of gender. But, more importantly, a law needs to be passed making it a crime to fire a person from their job on the basis of sexual orientation. Amazingly, you can legally fire a gay person just because of their sexual preference. There is no federal law against it. That is wrong in every sense of the word and must be rectified.

Cribb-Molineaux 200 Years On

200 years ago, Tom Cribb defended his heavyweight title against Tom Molineaux. Cribb was a respected champion hailing from England. Molineaux was an ex-slave from Virginia. The fight last 39 rounds and it is widely accepted that the championship was stolen from Molineaux.

Cribb had been battered badly by Molineaux. In the 29th round, it seemed that Cribb wouldn't be able to continue. But after some shenanigans, Cribb had enough time to recover. As a result, Cribb was able to outlast Molineaux. Budd Schulberg gives an account of the now two-centuries-old fight that is worth reading.

A Night at Roseland Ballroom

I walked into the Roseland Ballroom well before the card was scheduled to start. After going to the bathroom to pee for about the 4th time in an hour, I found a folding chair and settled in for a night of boxing.

Three Jewish fighters were scheduled to fight on the card though two would not make an appearance in the ring. But the Jews were out in full force to support Dmitriy Salita. David Diamonte and his inexplicable dreads took his position as the ring announcer. Diamonte would have a contentious relationship with the DJ throughout the night. The card got off to a roaring start with several knockouts in a row. The Dominican fans were in full throat, even more than the Puerto Rican fans.

One bout featured a double knockdown. One guy never got up. It was just like Rocky II, except they were both making their debut, so it was a somewhat less prestige fight. And it was less dramatic. But it made me think philosophically about the winner. His lowest career moment to date was also his highest career moment to date.

I continued my streak of sitting through the national anthem, which has now reached three consecutive sporting events. I have yet to be heckled.

Matisyahu played Dmitriy Salita into the ring, which was very cool. Salita easily dispensed of his opponent, a late replacement. Afterwards, Matisyahu played another song in the ring.

Apparently, Yuri Foreman and HBO's unofficial judge Harold Lederman were present, but unfortunately I didn't see them. I did, however, see a Jewish boxer named Boyd Melson (1-0) walking around after the fight. I also saw boxing announcer Steve Farhood.

After Matisyahu played and I peed yet again, I left. Outside of the venue, two shiksas with blonde hair who had just seen a play next door were walking past. They evidently knew that Jews would come out to a Salita fight because I heard one joke, "Maybe we should go inside and try to find a husband."

Go Salita

In a few hours I leave for New York where I will be watching Dmitriy Salita box. He was supposed to fight former world champion Mike Anchondo for the IBA welterweight title (a minor title), but Anchondo came down with an illness. So Salita will take on a journeyman instead. Life seems to provide disappointments for everyone. One can only hope for a silver lining.

The Morality of the Overthrow

One theme I've noticed from the WikiLeaks memos is that the old U.S. mentality of believing it has the moral justification to not only manipulate events in other countries, but to overthrow foreign leaders is still prevalent.

In Zimbabwe, the belief was that if the MDC had had more talent and depth, the U.S. would have been more willing to precipitate regime change. The same criticism of Aung San Suu Kyi's party in Myanmar is made by U.S. diplomats. it is the reason why regime change wasn't pushed as hard as possible in Myanmar.

There are many dictators in the world. The U.S. supports some of them and does not support others. But what is clear is that the U.S. does not have the moral clout to determine who should be running a particular country. Throughout time, dictators have been overthrown by their own people. Only they have the moral backing to overthrow their leaders.

Fifth Down

I was watching the Skins-Bucs game yesterday. McNabb threw a completed pass to Anthony Armstrong with time running out in the 4th quarter. The Skins were marching down the field for the game-tying TD.

The announcers, Kenny Albert, Daryl Johnston, and Tony Siragusa, all assumed it was 2nd down and 1 after Armstrong's catch. After an incompletion, a run for a loss, and another incompletion, the Skins seemingly had turned the ball over on downs. They were then given a fifth down, where Santana Moss caught a TD pass.

Some have blamed the announcers for not realizing that the Skins were actually given a 1st down after Armstrong's catch. But the Skins clearly started on the Bucs 12. After the Armstrong catch, the ball was clearly spotted short of the 2 yard line. The Skins should not have been given a first down. Again, it wasn't that it was a bad spot, the problem was the Skins hadn't gotten the necessary ten yards to earn a first down.

Someone messed up badly, but it wasn't the announcers. Spotting the ball is an inexact science, but determining the line to gain is not. It is ten yards from the start of the first play of the series. On the NFL's site, the play-by-play of the game claims that Armstrong reaches the 2 yard line, but if you watch the film, it's clear the ball was spotted short it.

Thankfully, there is justice in this world. A botched extra point attempt sealed the Skins fate. They lost by one.

And, the Bills won again! 6-10 here we come!

President Gingrich?

Forget the fact that Newt Gingrich poses himself as a moral candidate despite his numerous wives and affairs. There's a better reason he shouldn't be president.

Gingrich claimed that President Obama has "a Kenyan, anti-colonial worldview."

President Obama wasn't born in Kenya. He was born in Hawaii, according to his birth certificate. Gingrich knows this, but his comment is a not-so-subtle nod to the Birthers, people who think Obama wasn't born in America.

Obama was born on August 4, 1961. Kenya gained its independence on December 12, 1963. Even if Obama was born in Kenya, (which he wasn't!) he would've had to develop "a Kenyan anti-colonial worldview" at a very early year. He would've been the most prolific anti-colonial toddler in Kenya.

Furthermore, what is "a Kenyan, anti-colonial worldview"? Would Gingrich prefer Obama to favor colonialism in Kenya? I thought the debate over whether or not Kenya should be independent was solved several decades ago.

It's a cynical group of words that in reality doesn't say much, but the meaning to an ignorant ear is to portray Obama as un-American, socialist, and radical. The worst part of it is Gingrich knows better. He has a PhD in history and has taught at the college level. He knows exactly what he's saying and the meaning he intends to convey. And that knowing disingenuousness should disqualify him from the presidency.

Doesn't Matter if Werth is Worth It

Many Nats fans (and everyone around the league) are criticizing the franchise for the tremendous amount of money given to free agent Jason Werth. But the money doesn't matter, unless you're a member of the Lerner family.

Unlike in football, there's no salary cap in football. Unlike basketball, there's no luxury tax for spending too much. In baseball, there's no limit to the money paid to a club. The question is not whether Werth is worth all th emoney he's been given. It's whether he'll help the ballclub and attract more free agents.

So, as long as Werth produces and is just part of the strategy for building the team, I'm thrilled with the pick up.

Socialist Principles

Call me a vicious socialist, but I'm in favor of giving healthcare to 9/11 responders and to raise taxes on the very rich. I know, I know, that makes me a disgusting Lenin lover, a Stalin shtuper, a Marx muff-diver, and a communist cocksucker.

The Secret to Love

So I created an audio file with the secret to finding and keeping the love of your life. But I'm not good with computers; I haven't an idea how to post it. I've tried and tried, but I just have no clue.

I've tried googling it to find out how to post it, but it's very frustrating. I don't know what words to put in. I keep playing with different phrases, but nothing seems to get me the information that I need to put up this wonderful secret.

The stuff on this audio file is really great too. If you want to find that special someone, after listening to this file, you will, no doubt about it. The sad thing is I keep thinking about all of the people this secret could help. Imagine spending the rest of your days with the love of your life. I just can't figure out how to post this damn file.

Moving On

There have been many ugly incidents recently, my fellow citizens, and I believe it is in our nation's best interest to put them behind us. It appears the honeymoon is over.

When I first took over this great land, there was much excitement. You all had an elegance about you. You were vibrant. You were beautiful. I saw myself being the head of our metaphorical household for the rest of our lives.

Nearly two years into our marriage, things have changed. You are not the people I thought you were. You look haggard. Your clothes are in tatters. The sparkle in your eyes is gone.

Many mistakes have been made during my tenure at the helm of this great country. And I forgive you for them. You are an imperfect people. As Jessie Jackson once preached, "Leaders must be strong enough to overlook the faults of their followers and keep on moving."

And so I will. For now that I have learned your true nature, I will be better able to lead you.

Today's decrees
We must return to the intellectual heights that we once knew. One way is to punish ignorance. Anyone who spells Gandhi like Ghandi or pronounces it to rhyme with candy will be beaten with an Algebra textbook.

To create a healthier society and avoid transmitting germs, the only kind of low-fiving allowed is San Antonio Spurs guard Gary Neal's imaginary version.

To get the economy rolling again, every tenth $5 bill is now worth $50.

Sitting Down for the National Anthem

Operation Remain Seated During the National Anthem at the George Mason Game last Saturday was a resounding success. You, being the patriotic type who cannot even fathom why an individual would refuse to stand up for the national anthem, are wondering why.

Don't I support the troops? Don't I value our freedoms? Don't I appreciate living in the greatest country to ever exist?

Eh.

I could tell you that I am patriotic and part of expressing one's love of country is the ability to criticize. But I'm over that. Honestly, I'm not patriotic, except, perhaps, when it comes to sports. I love when Team USA dunks over some poor schlub from Angola. I could say that true love of country is not blind affection but living its values. For example, by asserting my freedom of expression. But who are we kidding.

I sat down during the national anthem because I realized that I didn't want to stand up for it. That they play the national anthem before sporting events is absurd to begin with. I realized that I only stood for the anthem because of societal expectations and pressures. I didn't want to cause a scene or be subjected to undue harassment.

But I do not support the U.S.'s use of military might in the world. Thousands of people in Iraq and Afghanistan, among other places, have been killed because of my nation-state. I do not support those killings. Often, it will be argued that those killings were in America's interest. That is patriotism justifying murder. I do not support it. Those killings were not in my best interest.

So, I will continue to stay seated during the national anthem, unless, of course, you know, I've snuck into a better seat than the one printed on my ticket.

Reaction to WikiLeaks Revelations

The WikiLeaks situation is merely part of my plan for governmental transparency. However, a recent Assorted Press article goes beyond open government, intentionally attempting to humiliate me by exposing embarrassing revelations. That really sticks in my craw.

Many are asking, did I really ask to titty fuck German Chancellor Angela Merkel? Let me make this clear, it depends on the definition of "did". If "did" means "didn't" then I didn't. And the same goes for the other alleged actions.

Now that that's been clarified, it's on to some distracting decrees.

Today's decrees
This is an ancient land, so only traditional lifestyles will be accepted.

I know the previous decree is kind of ambiguous, so I just want to make it clear that we're talking about gay people there.

I decree that my fantasy football team wins regardless of the actual results.

Chanukah Wonderland

Various captions below...

The brainchild of the pedophilic rabbi from Dateline a few years ago.

Whatever happened to our humble festival of lights to counterbalance the ostentatious capitalist greed of Christmas?

(Imagine a Yiddish accent) We didn't have Chanukah Wonderland when we were growing up. We only had stale chocolate. It was impossible to open and we always got chocolate under our fingernails. We called it gelt. And we loved it.

For the first time in my life, I kind of wish we were wiped out in the Holocaust.

(Imagine a mean old Jewish lady with a 50-year smoking habit) Chanukah Wonderland. We got gelt. We got latkes. We got dreidels. Chanukah Wonderland. We got dreidels on gelt. We got latkes made of gelt. We got dreidels made of latkes. Chunakah Wonderland. It's a wonderland of excitement.

Biden's Delusion on Afghanistan

In this WikiLeaks cable (12, last line), Vice President Joe Biden said of the U.S. in Afghanistan, "Besides the demography, geography, and history of the region, we have a lot going for us." Besides personality, appearance, and a lack of intelligence, I've got a lot going for me too.

Imagine bunking with Biden in a concentration camp during the Holocaust. "I love this place. Lots of exercise and fresh air. Plus look at how much weight I've lost!"

Damage of Leaked Cables?

By: The Assorted Press

A recent stash of cables has been released by the website WikiLeaks. The cables help provide a fuller picture of the Dear and Fearless Leader.

The cables show reservations from diplomats about engaging in the Tajikistan Crisis and the devastating effect it had on the world's perception of the Dear and Fearless Leader. Moreover, diplomats notified the Dear and Fearless Leader that the recent scandal dubbed Gategate has also lowered his esteem among global leaders.

But more than anything the leaked cables paint a picture of a leader with an insatiable sexual appetite and very little concern for diplomatic decorum.

His ambassador to Germany wrote, "Your request to "titty fuck" [German Chancellor Angela] Merkel has been denied." His representative to the UN wrote a similar cable, "Your request to use [UN Secretary General] Ban Ki-moon's balls as soap and rub them all over your body has been politely declined."

Often, the Dear and Fearless Leader's sexual requests were downright offensive. He apparently wanted to perform a sex act known as a "Dirty Sanchez" on Mexican President Felipe Calderon. He evidently asked LeBron James to engage with him in a "Cleveland Steamer" despite the fact that the basketball star had recently spurned Cleveland and joined the Miami Heat in free agency.

In one cable, the Dear and Fearless Leader was told that former Israeli Prime Minister Golda Meir was not available for sexual intercourse because she was dead. Another thwarted his attempt to wear Afghan President Hamid Karzai's trademark karakul hat "on either head," a reference to his cranium and his penis. A third expressed a desire to receive a "Ban Ki-moon" from North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il.

It is not known how much damage the leaked cables will have on the Dear and Fearless Leader's reputation, but most experts believe it will be limited. He wasn't held in high regard in most diplomatic circles before the leaks. His often lewd sexual desires were somewhat known. He had even taken the unusual step of actually admitting to committing rape, calling the act "unwitting sexual relations" in a past decree.

The Saudi Memo

According to a memo exposed by WikiLeaks, Saudi King Abdullah urged the U>S. to attack Iran. This should not come as a surprise. Saudi Arabia and Iran have been the two biggest rivals to represent Muslims in the Middle East in general and the Palestinian cause specifically.

Saudis tend to be Sunni. But the leadership is viewed suspiciously within the wider Arab world because of links with the U.S. The U.S. was allowed to station troops in Saudi Arabia in the run up to the first Persian Gulf War. That act was considered an affront to many Muslims because Saudi Arabia is home too the holy cities of Mecca and Medina.

Iran has been a staunch enemy of the U.S. since the revolution in 1979. But in an era with increasing tensions between Sunnis and Shiites, Iranians are predominantly Shi’a whereas much of the rest of the Middle East is Sunni. Iranians are also predominantly Persian whereas most of the rest of the Middle East in ethnically Arab.

Iran rush to obtain a nuclear weapon will give it credibility within the Middle East and a louder voice on the global stage. This will diminish Saudi Arabia's regional status. It’s a typical case of leaders concerning themselves with their own egos at the expense of human life.

(More at The HQT-IE)