Damage of Leaked Cables?

By: The Assorted Press

A recent stash of cables has been released by the website WikiLeaks. The cables help provide a fuller picture of the Dear and Fearless Leader.

The cables show reservations from diplomats about engaging in the Tajikistan Crisis and the devastating effect it had on the world's perception of the Dear and Fearless Leader. Moreover, diplomats notified the Dear and Fearless Leader that the recent scandal dubbed Gategate has also lowered his esteem among global leaders.

But more than anything the leaked cables paint a picture of a leader with an insatiable sexual appetite and very little concern for diplomatic decorum.

His ambassador to Germany wrote, "Your request to "titty fuck" [German Chancellor Angela] Merkel has been denied." His representative to the UN wrote a similar cable, "Your request to use [UN Secretary General] Ban Ki-moon's balls as soap and rub them all over your body has been politely declined."

Often, the Dear and Fearless Leader's sexual requests were downright offensive. He apparently wanted to perform a sex act known as a "Dirty Sanchez" on Mexican President Felipe Calderon. He evidently asked LeBron James to engage with him in a "Cleveland Steamer" despite the fact that the basketball star had recently spurned Cleveland and joined the Miami Heat in free agency.

In one cable, the Dear and Fearless Leader was told that former Israeli Prime Minister Golda Meir was not available for sexual intercourse because she was dead. Another thwarted his attempt to wear Afghan President Hamid Karzai's trademark karakul hat "on either head," a reference to his cranium and his penis. A third expressed a desire to receive a "Ban Ki-moon" from North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il.

It is not known how much damage the leaked cables will have on the Dear and Fearless Leader's reputation, but most experts believe it will be limited. He wasn't held in high regard in most diplomatic circles before the leaks. His often lewd sexual desires were somewhat known. He had even taken the unusual step of actually admitting to committing rape, calling the act "unwitting sexual relations" in a past decree.