Klitschko-Haye Preview

We finally have a legitimate heavyweight boxing match for the first time in nearly ten years. The champion, Wladimir Klitschko, has been dominant for about five years. David Haye seems to have an actual chance to unseat the Ukrainian champion.

Against my better instincts, I actually root for Haye. He exudes an arrogance and a flash that I don't appreciate. But I feel it's all contrived. Deep down, I believe he's a humble and driven man. But I don't know him at all. On the other hand, I admire Klitschko's ability and dominance. He has a quiet confidence and an unquestioned intelligence that I admire. Yet, I want him to lose and root against in virtually every fight.

There in lies the contradiction within this fight. I suspect most people are feeling the same confused feeling heading into the contest on Saturday. Lennox Lewis has said that his heart says Haye will win, but his head picks Klitschko. I concur.

The thought is that Haye is athletic enough to avoid remaining gun-shy at the end of Klitschko's powerful jab and has the power to do damage once he gets inside. Perhaps his lateral movement will keep the champ off balance.

Unfortunately, I just don't see it happening. Haye will likely enjoy little more than a few moments of joy, which is more than most opponents can say. Klitschko's jab is one of the most dominant weapons in the sport. And just in case you somehow avoid that focused and thudding punch, Klitschko's has his right hand constantly cocked and ready for you to walk into it. Haye is a good outside fighter, but Klitschko is a great one. He's considerably taller than the skilled Brit. He's technically better and is stronger than the challenger.

Haye might even steal a round on route to a lopsided unanimous decision. That is, if he isn't stopped in the late rounds. I hope I'm wrong.

War

My fellow citizens, when our nation was savagely attacked back on May 6, we all knew this day would come. As a matter of national security, our nation has declared war on the infamous terrorist, Taylor Jonathan Thomas, and his murderous network, al-Boreland. Since al-Boreland is not a state, but an organization largely located on one of those internet web forums, we will attack Tajikistan, which is where TJT is harbored.

No one says this war will be easy. As a nation, we must sacrifice. War demands it. For starters, all of our nation's Tajik restaurants must change the name of their osh to "freedom osh." There will be other, more difficult, sacrifices to come once I think of them.

This will not be a conventional war. Mostly because we don't have any war-ready weapons. Not a one. It also doesn't help that the entire world is on Tajikistan's side. So we're a little short on ideas about how exactly to run the war. We thought about hacking into Tajikistan's government website and drawing stupid-looking mustaches on their leaders. But all of Tajikistan's leaders already have stupid-looking mustaches and none of my minions knew how to hack into a website anyway.

So, I'm opening up to any suggestions that you, my fellow citizens, may have. I'll be on The Randy and Sammy Radio Hour tomorrow at 10am, only on WDFL 103.7, taking your calls on how to run this war. Any and all thoughts are welcomed.

Today's decrees
That's 103.7 at 10am. This is your chance to be the next Donald Rumsfeld.

This war is dedicated to all those who lost their loves as a result of the attacks of May 6, 2011. And Colombo. Oh, Colombo, we really could have used your disheveled ingenuity in planning this war against mastermind terrorist TJT and the nation of Tajikistan. Why did you have to leave us during our hour of discontent?

Our top scientists are undergoing research which seems to suggest that Mountain Dew shrinks your balls. This could very well be the miracle treatment to cure our nationwide genital warts epidemic. Smaller balls = Smaller genital warts. I would encourage all male citizens to drink copious amounts of Mountain Dew.

The Great Gagsby

I was walking out of Union Station today when I just started gagging violently for no particular reason. I look over and there's a guy pointing a camera in my direction shooting b-roll. So look for me gagging on a random metro-related news story!

Shocking Ending to Hitler's Reign

Adolf Hitler, who assumed his position as chancellor on January 30 of this year, has been forced to resign amid allegations that he tweeted and texted several pictures of his penis to female acquaintances during his brief stint as chancellor.

The mess began last week when a picture of what appeared to be a bulge in Hitler's pants surfaced on the web. The chancellor initially denied sending the tweet to a 21 year old woman from Dusseldorf, claiming that his computer had been "hacked by filthy Jews."

As Hitler continued his denials, more pictures of him in sexual positions were exposed. The coup de grace was a text received by a female soccer reporter that featured Hitler's uncircumcised genitalia. The reporter, who asked to remain nameless, released several texts evidentially sent by Hitler.

One read: Damn you sexy. I hope youre not a Jew :)

Hitler has not been a stranger to controversy in the two months he has been in charge. Late last month, a fire burned down the Reichstag. Hitler attempted to blame his political opponents for the carnage. But in light of the recent sex scandal, it is now clear that Hitler's accusations are part of a wider string of lies and other falsehoods.

With pressure mounting from within his own Nazi party, Hitler was forced to leave his post today. In a press conference, a sullen Hitler apologized, "It is with great sadness that I feel I must leave my post today. I had a great vision for Germany. But I have let down the people closest to me. I am truly sorry for any pain I have caused."

As of today, Franz von Papen will reassume the chancellorship.

A Woman at the Mall

I'm walking toward the green expanse that is the Mall in the heart of Washington DC. The Looptroop's Last Song occupies my ear phones. I hear two women talking behind me and I continue, hoping not to trip and look stupid. I can hear their voices, but not their words. They sound like they're in their twenties.

I reach an intersection and am forced to stop. The two women stop behind me. I move my head right until I can catch them with the corner of my eye. I'm only able to see one. She's even shorter than me. Her cheeks are round with a hint of blush. She has big brown eyes. I turn my head away.
'Oh, she's cute,' I say to myself. The light changes.

The two women pass. I notice the one I first saw. She's where I white open shawl and tight black slacks. Her long dark hair rests in the small of her back.
'She's just my type,' I think.

The two women have picked up the pace. I'm maintaining my usual measured saunter. They go straight. I turn left to find suitable bench to sit and read. I turn to the right to get one last look at the woman in the white shawl.
'Well, there goes my chance. I'll never see her again.'

I pass one bench and settle in the second. I throw my eyes in the direction of the two women. I capture the white shawl. I relish the one last look. I open my book and search for place where I left off. By my gaze wanders towards the woman in the white shawl. She's approaching the intersection. That will be my last chance to see her.

But the two women turn left. 'Yes!' I exclaim. They walk at their same motivated pace. 'If I walk across the field, I can probably reach the sidewalk on the other side just as they're passing. It could be the start of something wonderful,' I tell myself. I study the green expanse geometrically. 'But, if I caught them, what would I say? It's not worth it,' I reason.

I try to tear my eyes away from her to read, but they won't budge. 'What if there's a reason they turned left? What if she'd the one person on earth meant for me. This was supposed to be our one chance meeting,' I wonder. 'Oh, to hold her in my arms and smell her hair. To talk with her late into the night. To learn everything about her. To grow together and become the center of each other's lives. What I wouldn't give,' I wax.

The woman becomes more miniscule. My heart leaks. I become paralyzed but for my eyes. 'There goes my one chance at happiness,' I pout. The woman disappears from sight. My head fills with emptiness.

Then a woman runs by.

The Status of the Nats

After the Nats won 11 of 12 games, Jim Riggleman just up and quit. He said he wanted to have a conversation about the club picking up his option for next year. General Manager Mike Rizzo said that Riggleman demanded his option be picked up within 24 hours.

The two needed to communicate better. Riggleman is not the manager of the future. They should've been up front with him about how long they were planning on keeping him. Riggleman could argue that the team improved by 10 wins last year and were over .500 after winning 11 of 12 this season. But Rizzo could argue that the team still only won 69 wins last year and Riggleman has never had a winning track record as a manager.

My take is that the organization should've told Riggleman that they wanted him for the rest of the season and made the decision to pick up his option at the end fo the season. Riggleman should not have given an ultimatum. Winning 11 out of 12 games is nice, but it doesn't override 10 years of losing.

The entire episode is embarrassing for Nats fans. The team is winning, and has good pieces in place. Riggleman could have help the players continue to develop. Davey Johnson is not the answer for the future either, but hopefully he can keep the team going in the right direction until... Ivan Rodriguez takes over!

2011 NBA Draft Recap

The Knicks picked Iman Shumpert with the 17th pick. Knicks fans booed, but if he's the defensive player they say he is, then he is a much-welcome asset. With Billups injured and Amar'e banged up in the playoffs, it was obvious the Knicks needed scoring to supplement Carmelo. But with Billups and Amar'e in the lineup, that's not a concern. Defense and rebounding are issues with or without any of those three.

Kyrie Irving looked like a pro whenever he entered the court in college. But he has a tough task with a Cleveland team that features limited talent. Derrick Williams could be a good player, but Minnesota has a lot of forwards (and point guards).

Look back at the 2009 Draft and how incredibly deep it was. This draft might be the exact opposite. I'd be surprised if any franchise players came out of this draft. I think there will be a few very good players, but many busts and very few serviceable players out of the second round.

Charlotte got rid of Stephen Jackson and acquired Corey Maggette and Bismack Biyombo. That effectively takes another team out of the Eastern Conference playoff race. I think Kemba Walker will be a good scorer for them though. Portland made a questionable trade in getting Raymond Felton and losing Andre Miller and Rudy Fernandez.

Denver got Miller and will pair with Ty Lawson at the point guard position, which I really like. Denver picked up Kenneth Faried, a perfect fit. Dallas got Fernandez, also a good pickup. Milwaukee got Jackson and Shaun Livingston from Charlotte, and Beno Udrih from Sacramento which will help them. I look for them to make the playoffs.

I also liked what Washington did. I don't know about Jan Vesely, but I like the girl he kissed. And Chris Singleton and Shelvin Mack should help change the culture in DC. I like them to back up Wall and Crawford. I like the direction Detroit is going with Brandon Knight. Their second round picks, Singler and Macklin, could be bonuses. San Antonio acquired Kawhi Leonard, who gives them much-needed depth at forward, and gave up George Hill, who should help Indiana. Maybe the Morris brothers will be something.

But the story is the utter lack of talent and the bevy of reaches on international players.

Craigslist Missed Connection

A Passing Glance - w4m - 25 (Bethesda)

I've never done this before. I saw you on the metro, the red line, indicative of the heat between us. Or was I just imagining? You were wearing a faded white t-shirt and jeans with a hole in the knee, sitting in all your hirsute glory. I was wearing a pink tanktop. You smiled at me, looked away, and then returned to your scowl. Oh, to get inside you mind and listen to your thoughts. They must be so tortured. I'm sure just need someone there to listen. I want to be that person. I know I can bring you sunshine. Please, I know there's not much chance that you'll see this, but, if you do, know that I will be there for you.

Women are funny. After downing four dollar dogs, I was just feeling gassy.

The Superfluous Pound-for-Pound Best

Here is an updated version of my obnoxiously unnecessary and utterly superfluous list of the top 10 pound-for-pound boxers. The previous list was posted on March 21, 2011.

1) Manny Pacquiao (53-3-2, 38 KOs), [Previous Rank: 1]
2) Floyd Mayweather (41-0, 25 KOs), [PR: 2]
3) Sergio Martinez (47-2-2, 26 KOs), [PR: 3]
4) Wladimir Klitschko (55-3, 49 KOs), [PR: 4]
5) Juan Manuel Marquez (52-5-1, 38 KOs), [PR: 5]
6) Vitali Klitschko (42-2, 39 KOs), [PR: 6]
7) Timothy Bradley (27-0, 11 KOs) [PR: 7]
8) Nonito Donaire (26-1, 18 KOs) [PR: 8]
9) Bernard Hopkins (52-5-2, 32 KOs) [PR: NR]
10) Pongsaklek Wonjongkam (80-3-1, 44 KOs), [PR: 9]

Exiting the list:
Paul Williams (39-2, 27 KOs), [PR: 10]

The Nation-State

The purpose of the nation-state should be an organizational tool to prevent chaos, not a competitive entity. Yet patriotism, which fuels this competitiveness, is viewed as a positive quality. The national anthem and the flag are seen as sacred. But what do they really represent? Most would answer that they symbolize a series of ideas and a unique history. But are these things that should be honored blindly? The history of any nation is cloaked in blood, a direct result of its ideology.

Paradoxically, the nation-state has been responsible for countless killings and yet, without it, the world would descend into violent anarchy. Nation-states should be a way in which people all over the world are able to help one another. If one essential mineral is produced in one part of the world, and another in another part, we must find away to enrich both nations fairly. Instead, we have certain nations which wish to control the activities of others. This inequality fosters violence as economic and militaristic considerations are viewed as a competitive struggle for domination or, in some cases, survival.

The nation-state is a sound form of organization, but the way in which nation-states relate must be reconsidered for the sake of humanity.

The 5 Worst Books I've Read

When I read a good book, I get so hype. It just puts me in a great mood. I feel like I'm learning and getting closer to what this life is really all about. So, you can understand how upset I get when I read a bad book. Here's a list of the five worst books I've read. I've posted about some of them on the blog before, so I'll post a link for a more in depth trashing. They are in order of when I read them.

1. Michael Parenti. To Kill a Nation: The Attack of Yugoslavia.
I bought this book (the only one on the list not fromt he library) because Parenti started by saying something to the effect of: I do not subscribe to the official version of history as presented by the United States government. I liked that. But the book is just a propaganda piece for the Serbian point of view. He denies the genocide against Bosnians. By the end of the book, Parenti is making a case that a genocide took place against Serbs. I've never seen a worse use of sources. He either uses sources from other secondary sources by authors who agree with him or New York Times articles that contradict his argument; but, he argues, it's the New York Times, so the opposite of what is written in it must be true. More at My Ass Burns.

2. Roy Morris Jr. Fraud of the Century: Rutherford B. Hayes, Samuel Tilden, and the Stolen Election of 1876.
Morris portrays an America where roving gangs of black Republicans bully, intimidate, and beat up those poor southern Democrats, white and black alike. He meets every alleged black victim of white Democratic violence with skepticism and every accusation of fraud towards a Republican with certainty. According to Morris, every slanderous thing the Democratic newspapers say about Republicans is truth and every malicious thing the Republican newspapers say about Democrats is not only a lie, but also proof of Republican wrongdoing. More at A New Fraud.

3. David Hoile. Mozambique, resistance and freedom: A case for reassessment.
Hoile is pro-Renamo to the extreme. Even so, his book could still have merit, but he provides zero analysis about the civil war in Mozambique and fails to provide a coherent argument for Renamo's cause. Instead, his book is a random collection of nitpicky "corrections" of other scholarly works about Mozambique. At the time it was written, there was a debate about the origins of Renamo- whether it was a legitimate local manifestation of opposition to Frelimo or a creation of neighboring Apartheid states meant to destabilize the Frelimo government- but Hoile's argument on the topic is nothing short of silly and irrelevant.

4. Burton Kirkwood. The History of Mexico (2nd Edition).
As someone who didn't know too much about Mexico, I knew enough to point out several glaring errors in this book. The book possesses fuzzy math, confused verb tenses, and a repeating paragraph. More at Burton Kirkwood's Mistakes.

5. Robert Krueger and Kathleen Tobin Krueger. From Bloodshed to Hope in Burundi.
Robert Krueger is the former US ambassador to Burundi. He argues from a Hutu extremist point of view. The former president, Melchoir Ndadaye, a Hutu, is viewed as Martin Luther King and Gandhi, while another former president, Pierre Buyoya, a Tutsi, is another Hitler. The history between Tutsi and Hutu in Burundi is very complicated, with a lot of blame to go around. The Kruegers only focus on the atrocities committed by the Tutsi against the Hutu. In 1972, the Tutsi-led army attempted to kill every educated Hutu of a certain age. I had to read another book to learn that Hutu-led invasion of Tutsi preceded the horrific genocide because it's not even mentioned once by the Kruegers. Robert Krueger states that the French trained the (Hutu) perpetrators Rwandan genocide in one sentence (without condemnation) and then goes on lauding France for protecting the perpetrators after the genocide was over. I've read a few pro-Hutu sources, but the Kruegers are irresponsibly biased while presenting themselves as objective.

Oh lord was that cathartic.

Random Thoughts on Life

I realized that I must find a way to have my sense of inner peace co-exist with my ambition. But they seem mutually exclusive. How can one be content and appreciative with what one has and yet still want more?

This conundrum is added to another that has plagued me for many years. I want to love and value everyone but I also want to stand up for myself. It is difficult to feel love for others when you are constantly guarded against them taking advantage of you.

Another dilemma is whether to hold onto my romantic vision love or to view love in more practical terms. What is love? Is it magic? Perhaps not. And to believe so is to hold onto a childish fantasy that will, in the end, prevent me from finding love. Perhaps love isn't even a good quality. It often leads to sadness and pain. The easiest way to get punched in the face is let one's guard down. And yet, we all seem to want to take the risk. Is that rational? Is that sane?

The War in Libya is Illegal

The Obama administration has tried to justify continuing the war in Libya without congressional approval by arguing that its military actions do not constitute full-blown hostilities. I've tried this line of reasoning with my mother when I was growing up. I used to say, "I only beat up my brother a little bit. It didn't constitute full-blown hostilities, so I shouldn't get in trouble." It never worked. Ma knew not to buy that line of bullshit.

The fact remains, war is war. Seems simple enough. All the legalese in the world can't change it. Either President Obama needs to seek congressional approval to maintain the war in Libya or the war needs to stop.

The New National Anthem: A Change is Gonna Come

I contend that the new national anthem for the United States should be "A Change is Gonna Come" written by Sam Cooke. It is a song that epitomizes America better than any other.

The song symbolizes American positivity, "It's been a long time coming, but I know a change gon' come. Oh, yes it will." It shows our pride in humble beginnings with the line "I was born by the river in a little tent." Our fear of death is mentioned in the song, "It's been too hard living, but I'm afraid to die because I don't know what's up there beyond the sky."

The song also describes America's history of oppression and persecution, "I go to the movie and I go downtown. Somebody keep telling me, 'Don't hang around.'" Our rugged individualism is represented, "I go to my brother and I say, 'Brother, help me please.' But he winds up knocking me back down on my knees."

The song does not represent only the good of America, but expresses a true depiction of the country. As the "greatest country on Earth" we should be secure enough to have a song that truly represents us as a nation.

Besides, the "Star-Spangled Banner" is merely the best verse of a rather bad poem. Its lyrics are quite inane. It was written during a war in which we lost. The Sousa tune is nice, but Key's words are unbecoming of a national anthem.

Top 10 NBA Players

Top 10 NBA Players Now
While this list consists of the top 10 players now, the past is taken to account, but it is not a list of the best players who happen to be active. In parentheses is the player's previous rank posted on January 19.

# David (PR) - Mike (Previous Rank)
1. LeBron (2) - LeBron (2)
2. Kobe (1) - Kobe (1)
3. Howard (3) - Wade (3)
4. Wade (4) - Howard (5)
5. Dirk (6) - Dirk (9)
6. Paul (7) - Durant (6)
7. D. Williams (5) - Rose (NR)
8. Rose (10) - D. Williams (4)
9. Durant (NR) - Paul (NR)
10. Carmelo (NR) - Pau (NR)

Top 10 NBA Careers Among Active Players
You're making a list of the ten best players in NBA history, but there's one caveat; you can only include players who played during the 2010-2011 season. These are our choices, taking the players' entire careers into account. In parentheses is the player's previous rank posted on June 19, 2010.

# David (PR) - Mike (Previous Rank)
1. Shaq (1) - Shaq (1)
2. Duncan (2) - Kobe (2)
3. Kobe (3) - Duncan (3)
4. Kidd (4) - Kidd (5)
5. LeBron (7) - Garnett (4)
6. Garnett (5) - Dirk (9)
7. Dirk (9) - LeBron (8)
8. Nash (6) - Nash (7)
9. Wade (NR) - R. Allen (10)
10. Billups (10) - Wade (NR)

Top 10 NBA Franchise Players
This list is about which players you would pick to start a franchise right now. They must have played in an NBA game. In parentheses is the player's previous rank posted on June 19, 2010.

# David (PR) - Mike (Previous Rank)
1. LeBron (1) - LeBron (1)
2. Howard (3) - Durant (2)
3. Durant (2) - Rose (7)
4. Rose (6) - Howard (3)
5. Paul (7) - Paul (5)
6. D. Williams (5) - D. Williams (8)
7. Wade (8) - Wade (6)
8. Kobe (4) - Westbrook (NR)
9. Rondo (10) - Kobe (4)
10. Westbrook (NR) - Rondo (10)

I Hate the Nightlife

My fellow citizens, I'm sure you are well aware that we are fighting a vicious terrorist named Taylor Jonathan Thomas and his dangerous network al Bore-Land, who are out to destroy our land until our we offer better nightlife options. Well, we will never succumb to the pressures of deranged maniacs. Instead, we will do what any great nation would do and go way overboard in the other direction.

Today's decrees
We will attack Tajikistan, a nation harboring TJT. Just not now. At this moment, Tajikistan is like the most popular girl in high school and we're like the dorky dimwitted short kid who always wears sweatpants and knows every sports statistic ever conceived. But as soon as the rest of the world is not on Tajikistan's side, we're attacking!

The "I Love My Mother" Act is now law. It includes the following:

All alcohol is banned. If a devious organization such as al Bore-Land wants a more active nightlife, then doing the exact opposite must be the right thing to do.

Dancing is banned. Unless, you're really really good.

An 11pm curfew will be in effect unless you are going out to get a Slurpee or going to the Taco Bell.

Game 6 - Redemption

Wade, James, and Bosh were all good, but they weren't great in Game 6 and, as a result, they will be subjected to a ton of criticism, fairly or unfairly, for the next year. But this moment really belongs to the Dallas Mavericks. The team won Game 6 and the NBA championship despite Finals MVP Dirk Nowitzki's 1-12 first half shooting display.

When Dallas went into the half with a two point lead, even with Dirk shooting so poorly, it seemed clear that the Mavericks would win their fourth game of the series tonight. While Dirk ended with 21 points, going ballistic in the fourth yet again, Jason Terry was the star. He finished with 27 points on 11-16 shooting. Barea had 15 points, including clutch threes and whirling shots at the rim. Marion added 12 pts and 8 rebs. Chandler had 8 points. Kidd had 9 points and 8 assists. Stevenson hit three threes. Even Mahimi and Cardinal got into the act, combining for 7 points.

Dallas's depth and Dirk's fourth quarter greatness won the series. The big three played well, but with Miami lacking depth, it wasn't enough. Chalmers had 18 points to continue his breakout series and Haslem added 11, but with the big three combining for only 57 points, the Heat were cooled for the summer. Wade and James totaled 13 assist, but also 11 turnovers. LeBron's team was an astonishing -24 with him on the floor.

Defeating the Heat on their home floor was extra sweet for the Mavericks, who lost to the Heat after nearly going up 3-0 in the 2006 NBA Finals. It's a crushing loss that they perhaps now finally have overcome. The Mavs won 105-95 in clinching the series 4-2 and capturing the franchise's first title.

Staving off Depression

Whenever I feel things are getting bleak and I'm teetering on the line of depression, I perform a mad scrabble of depression-deflecting activities. Fortunately, for me, these activities do not including drinking copious (word of the week) amounts of alcohol or beating hookers to death and then having sex with their corpses.

Instead, I watch clips of comedians I enjoy like Jerry Seinfeld. I try to watch funny shows. I drink Slurpees and eat candy. I exercise. I watch sports and try to make plans with friends for the near future. It's best not to look forward to events, but when I'm in this state, I'm not strong enough to live in the moment. I also try to read and write.

I do not think about all I have going for me, because then I feel bad that I feel bad even when I have so much going for me. See the trap there? So, we'll see what happens. But if you see a lot of violent and hateful posts coming up, you'll know what happened. Everything's back to normal.

Football with Bobby Fischer

Last night I had a nightmare that my brother and I were playing football with Bobby Fischer except the ball was flat, so we couldn't play. Bobby Fischer blamed the Jews. Which in this case, he was right, we forgot to pump up the ball.

Game 5 - A Team Effort

Dallas turned in a total team effort in Game 5. It was the first game in which their depth was truly on display. Sure, Dirk had 29, again displaying his fourth quarter magic, and this time he shot well. Jason Terry came alive with 21 points on 8-12 shooting, 6 assists and 4 rebounds. Let's not forget his key pass to Kidd for three to give the Mavs a 5 point lead late or his clutch three-point shooting.

Barea has his first good game of the series with 17 points. Chandler added 13. Jason Kidd came off of a scoreless showing with 13 points, 6 assists, and 3 steals- two of which came within the first two minutes of the game to set the tone. Hey, even Brian "Horseshoe" Cardinal, Ian Mahimi, and DeShawn Stevenson added to the cause.

But Miami wasn't blown out or anything. In fact, they had a shot to win with a couple of minutes left in the game. LeBron somewhat recovered from a poor Game 4, posted a triple double with 17 points and 10 boards and dishes. Bosh added 19 and 10 on 6-12 shooting (including a last second heave from beyond the arc that missed badly). But, for the Heat, Wade was the story.

Wade gained a bruised hip on a play in the second. It didn't look like much. But Wade collapsed to the ground upon leaving the game. He missed a good chunk of the quarter and didn't play much of the third. Though the injury appeared benign, Wade winced throughout much of the game. He scored 23 points and 8 assists, but only played 34 minutes, which hurt his team.

Haslem had 10 points and has played stellar defense on Dirk all series. Chalmers hit another prayer at the end of the first. He made 4-6 shots from threeland for 15 points and played solid defense. Miller had 9 on three threes while Wade was out in the third. Juwan Howard has 6 inconsequential points and the rest of the Heat, Eddie House, Bibby, and Anthony, were liabilities.

Dallas's intensity in the fourth has been the story of the series. This time, they didn't dig themselves a hole and won 112-103. They take a 3-2 lead with the series heading to Miami for Game 6 and, if necessary, Game 7.

While it's been a thrilling series, it has been somewhat marred by new Golden State Warriors' coach Mark Jackson's inane comments. He is in favor of not sitting a team's star player at all. He advised Terry to shoot even though LeBron was there to block the shot, but criticized Marion for shooting when LeBron blocked him. When asked why something happened, Jackson is often stumped (thankfully, Jeff Van Gundy is there to bail him out). He doesn't understand basketball strategy and merely calls for "accountability" whenever something goes wrong. He better hire some damn good assistant coaches when he gets out to Oakland.

Odds of Attack

U.S. Presidents continually tell us that the United States is not at war with Islam. Yet, both Bush and Obama have attacked Muslim countries. None of the invasions have been for the sake of national security. But it's like they can't help themselves.

With that in mind, it's difficult to see a scenario where the U.S. doesn't keep up its streak of attacking more Muslim countries. So, here are the odds that these Muslim countries will be the next one attacked. Remember, this is not a list as to whether the U.S. will attack these countries- the U.S. will, because they're Muslim countries- it's merely who will be next.

Syria 8/3
Yemen 2/1
Somalia 4/1
Iran 6/1
Algeria 8/1
Pakistan 9/1
Lebanon 10/1
Egypt 13/1
Bahrain 15/1
Oman 25/1
Qatar 30/1
Morocco 33/1
Djibouti 36/1
Kuwait 38/1
Jordan 42/1
Tunisia 46/1
Uzbekistan 51/1
UAE 54/1
Tajikistan 56/1
Turkmenistan 59/1
Kazakhstan 62/1
Kyrgyzstan 66/1
Azerbaijan 77/1
Malaysia 83/1
Niger 88/1
Mauritania 91/1
Indonesia 95/1
Turkey 110/1
Sudan 250/1
Saudi Arabia 500/1

A Confession

I've spent the last week trying to think about other things. I've tried not to let my conscious get in the way of living my life. But guilt is a powerful emotion. I do not possess the ability to lie without remorse. Thus, I must confess to something. Considering the lie has resulted in the public humiliation of a fellow Jew, I feel that I must come clean in a public forum.

The picture is allegedly Anthony Weiner's giant penis is actually my humongous shlong. I was having some fun with the Congressman's computer while waiting for one of our secret Jewish meetings to begin. I sincerely apologize to the Congressman for the embarrassment this has caused. I would also like to apologize for the enormity of my penis.

The shirtless picture that is supposedly the Congressman, that's all Weiner. That one couldn't be me; I have a copious amount of chest hair because I'm a grown man.

Game 4 - Repeat Performance

Game 4 was similar to its the first three of the series in several ways. Wade had another extraordinary game with 32 points, 6 rebounds, and two impressive fourth quarter blocks. Miami seemed to numerous demoralizing offensive rebounds. Dallas gave up some wide open shots in the paint. Dallas exhibited spurts of sloppy play. And Dallas's zone defense was effective. Dallas also fell far behind.

But Dirk, who was suffering from the flu and a fever, received some help in Game 4. Chandler, who scored 13 points, was a monster on the glass in the fourth. He ended with 16 grabs for the game, 9 on the offensive side. Barea still struggled, this time in a starting role, but Terry had 17. Marion had 16.

Wade didn't have as much help. Bosh shot better and poured in 24. But LeBron, who had 7 assists, only had 8 points. Chalmers played good defense, had 5 points, and 6 assists. But the rest of the Heat did not play well.

Miami held a slim 2 point lead at the half, despite poor shooting. Offensive rebounding and Dallas turnovers were responsible for Miami staying in the game. Late in the third, the Heat surged into the lead. Miami had a 72-65 lead two minutes into the final quarter, looking to go up 3-1 in the series.

Dallas showed their customary resilience. Dirk, who had 21 points and 11 rebounds, Terry, and Chandler were the heroes of the comeback. Yet Miami had a chance to tie on the final possession. Down 86-83, Mike Miller inbounded the ball to Wade. Wade failed to catch it and had to save it from becoming a backcourt violation. The ball unexpectedly wound up in Miller's hands. He fired a prayer that harmlessly hit the ground after flying through the air.

Dallas won 86-83, and despite Jason Kidd's sustained poor play throughout the series, have tied things at 2.

Game 3 - Hanging On

After a hard fought first quarter, Miami edged out to a slight lead before Mario Chalmers nailed a prayer at the buzzer to give the Heat a 29-22 lead over the Mavericks after one quarter. Wade put the Heat on his back as Miami took a big lead in the second quarter. Wade ended with 29 points and 11 rebounds.

But Dallas is a determined team. Despite constant spurts of sloppy play and poor defense, the Mavs hung in the game. Bosh easily flew by Peja Stojakovic on one play. On another, LeBron, who had 17 points and 9 assists, drove past Shawn Marion and dunked on top of Ian Mahimi, who was playing for the injured Brendan Haywood. Miami held a 7 point lead at the half.

Dallas got down again in the third, but would not let the game slip away. Chandler had 11 boards and 5 points including an impressive two handed put back. But Miami kept stretching the lead as soon as Dallas was finished making noise. Bosh, who poked in the eye in the first, shot a little better for his 18 points, although he had the worst plus/minus of any Heat player.

Miami went into the fourth up only three. But in the fourth, they managed to stretch the lead again. Jason Terry went cold for the Mavs. He had 15 points, but struggled from the outside in the fourth. Barea continued to play poorly. Only Dirk Nowitzki kept the Mavs in the game. He scored the last 12 Dallas points. He had little help offensively late in the game.

With two and half minutes left in the game, Dirk tied the game off of Jason Kidd's 11th assists. After Wade scored, Dirk answered again with a minute and half to go. With the scored tied at 86 with a minute to go, Miami in bounded. Dallas's zone had been effective, but two men got caught on LeBron and Bosh was left open. Haslem screened Nowitzki to give Bosh an open look from the left corner. He nailed the shot to take a 88-86 lead.

On the next possession, Dirk was triple teamed and threw the ball out of bounds. Dallas was able to hold Miami, giving the Mavs the ball with 4.4 second left. The ball had to go to Dirk; no one else was scoring. Dirk got it above the three point line and drove inside the ark. He fired a fadeaway, but Haslem was in good defensive position. The ball caromed off the back rim and out. Miami takes a 2-1 lead and regains homecourt advantage.

Painful Accusations

My fellow citizens, a disturbing accusation has been made against your country. A so-called Dr. Homo von vander Schnitzel has performed a bit of sacrilege by claiming that the attacks of May 6 were not responsible for the genital warts epidemic that has engulfed our nation.

First, let's look at the so-called Dr. von vander Schnitzel. Did you know he got his medical degree from Harvard University. What happened Doc, couldn't get into Yale? Plus, his name is ridiculous. How can a man named Homo conduct accurate tests about heterosexual sex? It makes sense if you don't think about the logic of that comment too long.

Think about the implications of Homo von vander Schnitzel's accusations. How could I give the entire country genital warts? It's like I devised an intricate plan of systematic mass rape as a means to enter even the most private moments of my citizens in a show of unstoppable state control.

I mean, c'mon! This plays right into the hands of the world's number one terrorist, Taylor Jonathan Thomas.

In unrelated news, Dr. Homo von vander Schnitzel has just been taken into custody for jaywalking.

Today's decrees
All cars with a license plate that has the letters "TJT" please report to the DMV by Tuesday for a new license plate. Otherwise you will be viewed as supporting terrorism.

Jaywalking is now considered a capital offense.

If your restaurant claims it closes at 10pm, it better not close at a quarter of!

New Developments on Genital Warts Attack

By: The Assorted Press

Stunning developments tonight on the Dirty bomb attacks of May 6 that allegedly gave the citizens in the Dear and Fearless Leader's entire nation genital warts.

Renowned scientist Homo von vander Schnitzel has determined that the epidemic could not have been caused by a series of dirty bomb explosions. He also claims that, after testing numerous afflicted individuals, the origin of the outbreak is a single source.

Dr. von vander Schnitzel was not prepared to go on record in naming the person who caused the genital warts wave. He merely was willing to say, "The blame lies with an individual who had access to the genitals of the nation. He has been powerful enough to demand sex from his citizens without facing punishment. He even passed a law making rape ethically acceptable, as if such a think were possible."

When asked whether Dr. von vander Schnitzel was referring to the Dear and Fearless Leader, the scientist remarked, "I have no comment."

Answering a Text

I received a text that read, "Hey Mary Kate this is Nicole one of Monica Lopez's friends, she got her feather extensions done by you and I was wondering if you have room for three people tomorrow? anytime before 1 please!? let me know thank you so much!"

I thought about writing back "Sure, come at noon," just to create a hilarious misunderstanding that would ruin those three people's day.

But in a flash of Gandhian inspiration, I asked myself, 'What would the Mahatma do?' I figured Gandhi would have texted back that she had the wrong number, so that Nicole would know she had to attempt her request again. And that's what I did.

After I sent the text, I was flooded with doubts. Did I do the right thing? Do Nicole and her friends need to waste money on feather extensions? Maybe it's just what they need, how do I know? Is it my place to decide that for them? Perhaps Monica Lopez could use the money. What if Monica Lopez has a sick relative? What if Nicole has a sick relative that she could spend the money on instead of on feather extensions? What if the sick relative was a little boy who will turn out to be another Hitler? Is it my place to intervene then, for the good of humanity? Is it ever right to aid in the killing of another human being against their will?

Sometimes I wish I was a psychopath, because then I wouldn't be consumed by things like this.

Game 2 - What Just Happened?

Game 2 seemed like it was turning into somewhat of a repeat of Game 1. Early on, Miami was crashing the boards harder than were the Mavericks. In Game 1, Miami had out-rebounded Dallas by 20. Mike Bibby caught fire from three-point land, while Dallas struggled shooting. Dwyane Wade, who had a great second half in the Finals opener, kept on rolling, as did LeBron James.

Towards the end of the first quarter, LeBron caught a missed shot with one hand and threw it down while gliding in the air all the while.

But Dallas was resilient. They mustered a 51-42 lead late in the first half, despite Dirk's shooting troubles. Dirk had injured his left hand towards the end of Game 1. The Mavs wouldn't score again in the half though. Led by Wade, the Heat stormed back to tie the game by the intermission.

Miami's lead fluctuated in third quarter. Dallas continued to go through their spells of confounding confusion. Bad passes, poor shots, missed assignments on defense frequently derailed the Dallas attack. Yet, by the end of the third, Dallas only trailed by 4.

Miami spurt out to a 15 point lead with just over 6 minutes remaining in the game. The game and the series appeared to be over. LeBron, who had 20 points and 4 steals, looked unstoppable. Wade, who would finish with 36 points, was playing at a legendary level. Bosh had his second straight poor shooting night, but was part of the Heat's lock-down defense. Mavs coach Rick Carlisle appeared frustrated. Miami had just scored 13 straight to take an 88-73 lead.

But the Mavs had been there before. They made a stunning comeback against the Lakers in Game 1. They shocked the NBA world with a miraculous comeback against the Thunder in Game 4 of their series. But this time, their opponent was the Heat.

Tyson Chandler and Shawn Marion became more active on the boards; Dallas ultimately finish with more than Miami. Jason Terry began to hit shots. Meanwhile, Miami suddenly struggled. LeBron missed his last 4 shots of the game. Wade couldn't stop the tide. Suddenly, the Heat's lack of depth seemed to hurt them. And Dirk took over.

Up 90-88, the Heat had the ball. As the shot clock ran out, LeBron fired a three that missed the mark. With 1:30 remaining, Miami got the carom and Dallas had to play defense again. LeBron missed another three 24 seconds later, but Miami got the ball once again. A Terry steal of a Udonis Halsem pass ended the marathon possession. With just under a minute to go, Dirk scored a lay-up to tie the game.

Wade missed a three and Dirk nailed one of his own to take a 93-90 lead, capping a 20-2 run by the Mavs. Yet, the game was not over. With 24 seconds, Mario Chalmers was left wide open in the corner by Terry and, just had he did in 2008 NCAA championship for Kansas, hit a huge three. But the Mavs would not be denied. With time running out, Dirk got the ball, he drove to the basket and let the ball fly off of his injured left hand and into the basket.

Miami hadn't used their foul-to-give and were out of timeouts. Wade took a hail mary shot that would have wont he game, but bounced off the back rim. Dallas won 96-93 in what was a memorable finish to a fairly shabby first three quarters. Dirk finished with 24 points and the Mavericks' last 9. The series is tied.

Game 1 - Threes and D

The Miami Heat defeated the Dallas Mavericks at home in Game One of the 2011 Finals, 92-84. Miami surprisingly made more three-pointers than Dallas and shot a better percentage from beyond the arc. Miami made 11-24, while Dallas shot only 9-22. Starting point guard Mike Bibby missed a few early open threes. He ended up 0-4 from the three-point range. But his backup, Mario Chalmers, found the range, going 3-7 and piling up 12 unexpected points.

LeBron James was the star of the contest. He finished with 24 points, 9 rebounds, and 5 assists. He shot 9-16 from the field including his first four threes. His defense was stellar. But he ad two stunning dunks in the fourth. On one, James drove down the middle of the lane and fire down a rim-shaking slam. The second one occurred after the game was decided, but Wade's alley oop to LeBron in the closing seconds was memorable. Chris Bosh shot poorly, but tallied 19 points.

Dirk Nowitzki scored 27 points, but was at least contained, mostly by Udonis Haslem. Reserve scoring sensation Jason terry shot only 3-10 and another player who usually provides punch off the bench, J.J. Barea missed seven of his eight field goal attempts.

Both team struggled to score all game. Miami only shot 38.8% from the field while Dallas shot only 37.3%. The defense was championship-worthy. Dallas was up 44-43 at halftime. The two teams traded the lead until Miami pulled ahead for the final time late in the third. Miami has now beaten Dallas in five consecutive games in the NBA Finals.