My fellow citizens, I acknowledge that many of you disagree with my style of leadership. We are not always going to agree and I can accept that. However, as you undoubtedly are aware, the shadowy Defenders of Freedom have decided to hack to bits anyone who disagrees with my regime.
Some have called for me to step down because my reign has not served to protect all of my people, a fundamental responsibility of any leader. Let me explain my motivations as to why I'm won't be resigning. A leader must be strong enough to make unpopular decisions. I don't ask questions; I make decisions. I'm the Decider. I'm not the Questioner. That would be ridiculous.
The most important reason is, as someone said somewhere, it's good to be the Dear and Fearless Leader. All I have to do is clap my hands and I've got two beautiful body guards fighting to go down on me because they know if they don't, they'll join their families languishing away in prison. It's pretty fucking sweet. Some might consider it rape, but I've discussed this with my Yessmen and we've come up with a solution.
Today's decrees
Rape is hereby deemed to be ethically ok.
Everyone donning a Jheri curl, the new national symbol of support for your Dear and Fearless Leader, will be viewed as a follower of the regime.
Everybody who supports me gets a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts!
The Jheri curl juice industry has been nationalized.
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