My fellow citizens, it is in this darkest hour that I most appreciate being your Dear and Fearless Leader. As you are no doubt well aware, a series of dirty bombs exploded in several of our major cities earlier this evening. Hundreds, perhaps thousands, of our co-nationalists have lost their lives due to this horrific tragedy. The dirty bomb has also set off a biological disaster as it is being reported that virtually the entire country- men, women, and children alike- has been afflicted with genital warts, including your leader.
It is in these moments that we must put aside our petty political divisions and unify as one people. There are moments when peace allows for protest, but we are no longer fortunate enough to focus on what divides us.
It is natural to feel sad. But we must not be consumed with sadness. We must go on. Our lost loved ones would want us to move forward. We must honor them by making this the greatest country possible. I accept the challenge of leading us through this difficult time and towards greatness. Won't you please join me?
Today's decrees
We, as a nation, vow to retaliate. We will search high and low for the culprits and bring them to justice.
We are a strong nation and will not back down from the challenges put forth by our enemies.
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