My fellow citizens, we have found out new information about yesterday's attacks that killed thousands and left countless others afflicted with genital warts. The lead suspect is a man named Taylor Jonathan Thomas (also known as TJT), the head of a shadowy organization called al Bore-Land.
TJT and al Bore-Land purportedly hate us because of our dearth of nightclubs and scantily clad women gallivanting about in our locally-produced sitcoms. They hate us because there's simply not that much to do in our land on a Friday night. Until our society is transformed to their liking, al Bore-Land has vowed to continue the, some would say senseless, killing of our citizens.
Beyond that, we know very little. It is assumed that TJT and his network of global terrorists work in the mountains of, you guessed it, Tajikistan.
Today's decrees
We will hunt down Thomas and his organization and bring them to justice.
We will not distinguish between the perpetrators, those who harbor them, and innocent civilians who happen to live in the area.
Tajikistan is going back on the Douchebag Countries who Sponsor Terrorism list along with Moldova, where a hat was stolen from me last week while I was at the S8 conference. Every year I seem to get things stolen at these Shitty 8 conferences. Maybe that's part of the reason why these countries are so shitty.
It might sound a little insensitive, but thank the lord for this attack. It really takes the heat off me for Gategate and my generally unpopular rule that has spawned continuous protests for several months. Whew, I dodged a bullet.
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