All H-duk Football Hall of Fame

Class of 2008
RB Terrell Davis
LB Derrick Thomas
OL Will Shields
WR Tim Brown
OL Randall McDaniel

Class of 2005
Class of 2006
Class of 2007

Evil Leaders League, Week 2

U.S. President Barack Obama is a threat to the Evil Leaders League. After he's done, America might not have any enemies left to ridicule in a silly competition such as this. Can the world survive without any evil leaders or leagues to mock those leaders? And even if it can, who would want to live in such a world? Fortunately, America's foreign policy is highly influenced by unelected bureaucratic officials and big corporations who will always ensure the existence of evil leaders. Thank the lord. Now that we all can rest assured that the ELL will continue, let's get to the results. Check out the official Evil Leaders League site for intensive coverage.

Bongo vs al-Bashir
There hasn't been a contest like this since Gooding/Epps. Not since Mullah/Don. Gabonese, Gabonian, Gabonese, Gaboner (whatever it is) President Omar Bongo looks a whole lot like Rubin "Hurricane" Carter's father. Bongo's latest album entitled Graft is a wonderful ode to corrupt African dictators and even reportedly features a guest spot from former Senegalese Prime Minister Macky Sall. Omar al-Bashir, who looks like Michael Wilbon's father, heads the Sudanese regime. Sudanese government forces launched an attack against Darfuri rebels using fresh air strikes. If only the food in Darfur was that fresh... or existent.

To view the winners of each contest, go to the official ELL site.

Khamenei vs Chavez
The Supreme Leader of Iran and huge Diana Ross fan, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is a lot like a record producer. He's got the power, he's got the money, but Ahmadinejad gets all the pub. That's just fine for Khamenei as he pops out another Britney Spears record from the shadows. But there's a new sound out there now, coming from the mouth of Barack Obama. Khamenei might have to change things up. Change is never good for an evil leader. Hugo Chavez, the top denizen of Venezuela, recently insulted Obama calling him "Bush lite." He then commented about how witty that comment was because Busch is also a beer. It was a double entendre! Isn't that clever? Then Chavez met with Obama and, despite the previous animosity, fell in love like something out of a predictable 1980s movie. But at least the Socialist oil checker has a starring role.

Kim vs Nazarbayev
Kim Jong-Il, the big head of North Korea, is healthy according to the coiffed leader's son. Apparently, Kim is swinging an aluminum bat at the shins of his sons like a man half his age. That's good to hear. A healthy evilness needs both the evil and the healthy parts. The president of Kazakhstan goes by the name of Nursultan Nazarbayev. Nazarbayev wants there to be a global currency. He suggested the currency could be the small intestines of democracy advocates, which, coincidentally, is already Kazakhstan's currency. When he's not coming up with great ideas, Nazarbayev is attending official Indian celebrations. Apparently, the world's largest democracy hasn't heard Nazarbayev's proposal yet.

al-Assad vs Shwe
Bashar al-Assad is the president of Syria. He congratulated Gaza over its recent victory. If that was a victory, I don't want to win anything ever! But it's important for an evil chief to be delusional, just ask the leadership of Citigroup. But then al-Assad went and spoiled it all by saying something crazy like: I'm cautiously optimistic that the new American president will bring peace to the region. You know that means you have to give up Lebanon, don't you? Burmese leader Than Shwe runs the military junta in Myanmar. Shwe is a lot like your uncle on cocaine. He's ruining the family but he doesn't care. He won't listen to reason. He hurts everyone around him. There's no changing him. But unlike your uncle, Than Shwe won't share with the kids.

standings: Check the ELL site

Pope Adolph's At It Again

The Pope has reinstated some bishops who aren't really convinced that the Holocaust happened. Jews are angry at the Pope.

The Pope should know better than this. He's knows the Holocaust happened. He was there!

But are we Jews really surprised that a pope who was a member of the Hitler Youth might not have a problem with anti-Semitism? You can take the man out of the Hitler Youth, but you can't take the Hitler Youth out of the man (and I'm not calling the Pope a pedophile. At least not now).

Top 5 QBs and RBs Now

This is a list of the Top 5 NFL QBs and RBs now. However, the list is not the Top 5 of this year, it takes a broader look. The future is not accounted for; this isn't SportsCenter.

Quarterbacks
1. Peyton Manning
2. Donovan McNabb
3. Kurt Warner
4. Eli Manning
5. Drew Brees

Running Backs
1. LaDanian Tomlinson
2. Brian Westbrook
3. Adrian Peterson
4. Thomas Jones
5. Clinton Portis


*Tom Brady is not on the list because, quite frankly, he's not as good injured. If he plays to his previous level next season, he'll be back on this list.

The Drop and Fall

While taking a shower today, I dropped the soap. I went to pick it up and fell down. While the result is a lot of pain, I also now have a plan in case that situation ever presents itself in jail. After Apollo Creed dropped Rocky in the 14th round of their first fight, Mickey motioned to Rocky, "Down, stay down."

But that's one of the few problems with having such an attractive backside. In jail, I'm in trouble. It's like leaving a pack of Snickers bars out in the open at a fat camp. When it's all said and done, you know those Snicker's bars are getting fucked in the ass.

Top 10 NBA Players Now

While this list consists of the top 10 players now, the past is taken to account, but it is not a list of the best players who happen to be active. In parentheses is the player's previous rank posted on June 23.

# David (PR) - Mike (Previous Rank)
1. Kobe (1) - Kobe (1)
2. LeBron (2) - LeBron (2)
3. Duncan (3) - D. Howard (NR)
4. Billups (6) - Wade (9)
5. T. Parker (7) - Paul (5)
6. Paul (9) - Garnett (3)
7. Garnett (5) - Duncan (4)
8. Wade (NR) - Dirk (7)
9. Pierce (NR) - Nash (6)
10. D. Howard (NR) - Billups (NR)

The previous list was done at the end of last post season. We were not allowed to look at our previous rankings. I have Nash falling from 4th to out of the Top 10 based on his regular season performance this year, which in retrospect, is a bit extreme. Mike has Dwight Howard jumping up to the 3rd best player in the league after not rating him in the Top 10 following last season's playoffs. I think Mike would agree: the regular season puts you in the conversation, the playoffs determine your rank. Thus, Mike might be watching too much SportsCenter as they like to annoint players before they've actually achieved the level of royalty. It's also clear from the last three lists that Mike doesn't know what to do with Duncan.

Evil Leaders League, Season 5

This is the fifth season of the Evil Leaders League. The league will continue to consist of 8 evil leaders. Five participants are returning from last season and three are new. This is a round-robin league, much like the English Premier League soccer, not a tournament. There will be a playoffs at the end of the regular season. This season's Evil Leaders League (ELL) is dedicated to Saparmurat Niyazov. The official ELL site is here.

Let's meet the competitors:
Omar al-Bashir - in charge of Sudan since 1989. Champion last season.
Than Shwe - leader of Myanmar since 1992. Finished 2nd.
Hugo Chavez - president of Venezuela since 1999. Finished 3rd.
Kim Jong-Il - leader in North Korea since 1994. Finished 4th.
Nursultan Nazarbayev - president of Kazakhstan since 1991. Finished 5th.
Bashar al-Assad - president of Syria since 2000. New.
Omar Bongo - president of Gabon since 1967. New.
Ali Khamenei - Ayatollah of Iran since 1989. New.

al-Bashir vs Shwe
Omar al-Bashir, the ruler of Sudan, is coming off his third ELL championship. This is a rematch of last season's final matchup. Omar al-Bashir is still the evilest man in town. The mass murder continues in Sudan's Darfur region and al-Bashir should hear back on his charge of genocide from the ICC pretty soon. His ally, Hassan al-Turabi was sent to jail, which is bad for al-Bashir's political future, but good for his evil reputation and with the ladies, who love the 'bad boy.' Than Shwe, who is a little bit like a woman because he can multi-task as he's ruling both Myanmar and Burma, has a bratty grandson. This grandson, Shwe's favorite, kidnapped a famous Burmese model. Chip off the old block. Shwe hopes that the election of U.S. president Barack Obama will clear up the "misunderstandings" the two countries have had. Shwe has outlined a roadmap for democracy. This roadmap is reminiscent of the Beltway during Friday rush hour.

To view the winners of each contest, go to the official ELL site. Don't accept substitutes. Seriously, don't. While you're there, vote in the poll; each vote gives me a slight confidence boost.

Kim vs Chavez
Kim Jong-Il still leads North Korea. He has named his favorite son, Kim Jong Un, his successor should the elder Kim die. Kim made the announcement by saying, "My successor will be... Kim Jong Un-Na-Na-Nana!" while Master P's Make Em Say Uhh blasted in the background. I don't know what's more evil, ensuring the continuation of an autocratic dynasty or picking a favorite son. Hugo Chavez, the guy who makes the rules in Venezuela, is trying to pass an amendment that will abolish term limits for the president, which coincidently, happens to be him. The proposed amendment has created student protests both for and against. Apparently, dictatorships and the status quo are a hit with the young co-eds in Caracas.

Nazarbayev vs Bongo
Kazakh President Nursultan Nazarbayev, who has chosen the nickname Naz, is negotiating with U.S. General David Patreaus. Kazakhstan will allow the U.S. to use its land to transport non-military aid to Afghanistan for 7 Michael Jackson CDs. 1980s Michael Jackson CDs, none of that new bullshit; what do you think, the Kazakh leadership is filled with a bunch of oblivious half-wits? Naz is going to use his alliance with the U.S. to its fullest potential. Omar Bongo leads Gabon, which is in Africa, and I didn't just racistly make up that name or country. Bongo got off to the good start by jailing activists and journalists who inquired about possible government corruption. Bongo jazzed up his performance by not allowing the detainees to have a lawyer. According to Gabonese ministers Saiontz, Kirk & Miles, the prisoners did not have a phone (an obscure local reference, I know).

al-Assad vs Khamenei
Bashar al-Assad ushered in a new wave of change in Syria back in 2000. The Syrian president is a big fan of Hamas. He thinks less of Israel, calling for every Arab country to boycott Israel and high school productions of Fiddler on the Roof. Bashar al-Assad likens Hamas to a big bunch of teddy bears. He praises their use of "freedom rockets" into Israeli cities. The only thing nicer than Hamas is a basket full of blueberry muffins on a sunny summer's day. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is the Ayatollah of Iran, hence the title Ayatollah in front of his name. Khamenei continues this contest's anti-Israel sentiment. He has called for Iranian citizens to combat Israel's war in Gaza without advocating killing Israeli citizens. He has also called for Iranian citizens to watch episodes of Seinfeld without advocating laughter. Even though Khamenei is the Supreme Ruler of Iran, no one in the West cares until he says something Ahmadinejadian.

standings: Check the ELL site

The Cheers and the Boos

It is my understanding that television portrayed the Inaugural crowd as a boisterous mob screaming indiscriminately. That's not true in the least.

George W. Bush was soundly booed every time his face appeared on the screen sans Obama. A couple of women around me asked people not to boo him because it was mean. Listen, I didn't invade his house and kill his family; booing seems pretty restrained considering the context. George H.W. Bush was booed. Jimmy Carter was cheered. Bill Clinton received louder cheers.

Dan Quayle was booed. Al Gore was cheered. Walter Mondale entered in silence. Dick Cheney was booed despite sitting in a wheel chair. I hope the man he shot in the face got back him in the leg.

John McCain got nothing. Colin Powell was cheered loudly. Clarence Thomas heard quiet. Roland Burris was cheered. Beyonce was cheered. I told my brother, "He's a Jew," when Dustin Hoffman was shown. Oprah was cheered. An old black woman was wheeled in and someone said, "There's Rosa Parks!" Someone else retorted, "Rosa Parks died a few years ago."

The winner in terms of cheering was... you guessed it, Aretha Franklin.

The Inauguration

My brother and I were on the metro at 12:30am ready to stay up the night to get into the mall for Barack Obama's Inauguration. We figured that everyone would have our plan. But virtually no one was on the metro. I kept repeating, "This is working too perfectly. There must be a catch."

We got off the metro and went on a search for a place to sit for a couple of hours, warmth, and something to eat. We guessed that the bars and restaurants would be packed. They were not. "This is working too perfectly. There must be a catch."

One restaurant closed and we went to a bar and ordered a couple of sodas. We sat for a while and when it came time to pay, the waiter just waived us off. "This is working too perfectly. There must be a catch."

We got to the corner of 6th and E where a small crowd was waiting. We thought we'd wait here until the gate opened. It was a little before 3am. Everything was working beautifully. But there was a nagging feeling in the back of my mind, "Good things like this don't happen to you David. This time won't be any different.'

Then we heard rumors that we were in the wrong place. We had to walk to 3rd Street. When we arrived, there was a large crowd standing around, confused. We noticed that people were walking into the tunnel and we decided to follow the masses. It was a little after 3am. "We're actually getting in! This is really happening! There was no catch!"

Then the wave of people stopped. It didn't move. We were surrounded by people on all sides, stuck in the 3rd Street tunnel. We heard rumors that no one would be let out of the tunnel until 7am. It was cold, under 20 degrees, with an urgent breeze. I had to pee. This was the catch.

7am rolled around and nobody moved. I still had to pee. The cold crept up on me every so often. I couldn't avoid the inane conversations of people pasted into my back and sides. I tried to escape into the pleasant thoughts that I've stored away for such an eventuality. I tried to move my feet so I wouldn't lose feeling, but with every movement I bumped into someone next to me. After a slow moving push towards the front, we finally exited the tunnel after 8am.

Once we crawled past security, we encountered a slew of barriers. There was nowhere to go and no one to help. My instinct told me that we'd be able to cross into the mall if we just kept walking down. At one point, we had to go right even though the mall was on the left. A surge of people tried to fit through a tight enclosure, the only way to get to the mall. I still had to pee. We kept walking though sometimes we were halted to a standstill. I tried to pee in the IRS building. No luck. Finally, we were able to cross into the mall and I found an open portapotty. We stood, slightly closer to the monument than to the Capitol staring at the jumbotron. There was a complex feeling of glee for the occasion, but frustration with the obstacles that we were forced to overcome. Some of the hope of the day had been drained out of us.

As Obama took the oath of office, I must admit that tears ran down my face. At the moment, I forgot that my toes were frozen, that I hadn't slept all night, that I hadn't eaten since the previous night, that the intense sun reddened my already chapped face, and that I was merely watching the event on a jumbotron. Barack Obama was the president of the United States of America.

After he spoke, a speech that acknowledged the difficulties we face but failed to ask for sacrifice or show political courage, we tried to leave. We attempted to regroup on 12th Street, but it was blocked. We got lost following a crowd and had to force our way back. We slowly went down to 14th Street, but the exit had been closed. We inched our way towards 18th Street. By the time we left the mall an hour and half had passed since Obama's speech concluded. But we still had more problems. Buses lined the street to the point where we couldn't get out. We felt trapped. We managed to get around the buses at 20th Street. We then walked to the Woodley Park metro station, an extra 2.5 miles. Apparently, I hadn't wiped as well as I thought and during the walk, that came back to haunt me.

I hope DC changes the way they do business before 2012.

Inaugural Odyssey

Soon I will be making my way down to the national mall to spend the night waiting for the Inauguration of Barack Obama to begin. It will be quite a moment. The kind of moment you wanna see for yourself.

It will be a long wait, but one that pales in comparison to the wait of history. Having said that, I HOPE I don't pee my pants because I won't have a CHANGE of underwear with me.

A Historic Event

The Inauguration of Barack Obama has been repeatedly referred to as a "historic event." It most certainly is. He will be the first black president in the history of the United States. But that would mean nothing without context. Too often the true significance of this achievement is left implicit.

It is important not merely because black people were enslaved. It is because the descendents of slave masters, who on the whole have never realized the legacy of that egregiously dehumanizing system, helped to elect a black man the leader of the country. Forty years ago, white mobs lynched black men, and, in the eyes of the country, there was no crime committed. Today, innocent black men are jailed and those who perpetrate crimes against black victims walk free. This is the context in which a black man was elected to the nation's highest office.

Black and white children are fed a few symbolic doses of the achievements of their black co-nationalists. We don't know black history and thus, don't know American history. We are not able to learn the lessons that history provides. So, white people fear black people and black people distrust white people. This social and spiritual segregation is found on an every day level. This is the context in which a black man was elected to the nation's highest office.

In a country so antagonistic towards asking the profound questions that racism requires, a black man was elected to the nation's highest office. It is historic, not only because it is a symbol of black progress and the ability of a people to overcome, but because of the obstacles placed in the way by white people throughout the history of the United States. It is remarkable that a black man, in a nation that has used every form of violence against black people, has ascended to the presidency.

Birthday Boobies

I have a friend who is a baby. I am jealous of this friend. My friend gets boobies in his mouth any day he wants. I don't get boobies in my mouth even on my birthday. That doesn't seem fair. I should get boobies in my mouth too! I don't need the milk though.

Getting Older

I'm getting older. I have to start wearing underwear because my goodies are getting droopy. You don't know what it's like to live in constant fear. Constant fear that you're going to sit on them.

It's a frightening world with new terrors persistently sprouting. But I've made it this far and I'm not about to stop now. Even if the fear that my seed bags will slide underneath me just as my momentum is pulling me past the point of no return towards my intended seat permeates my every waking moment.

Technology is Wonderful

Isn't technology a wonderful thing? I recently got a video game, NBA 2K9. I was excited to play it. I installed it. But for the life of me I couldn't find the CD key, so I still can't activate it. Maybe I left a piece of paper with that information back at my mother's house. Otherwise, I'm shit out of luck. I remember when we didn't need CD keys to play video games. You'd just blow on Mike Tyson's Punchout, stick it in, and knock that Glassjaw guy the fuck out.

My phone doesn't have a camera in it. It can't play music. It does have the internet, but it's pretty much just me calling my brother and asking him to look something up for me. The cell phone is a great invention because anyone can reach you at any moment. Of course, there is a downside. Anyone can reach you at any moment. If you're anything like me, the opportunity for a socially awkward moment has magnified exponentially.

Tonight, the washing machine went crazy. Maybe I put too many clothes in it at once. My clothes were soaked. When I put them in the dryer, the dryer had other ideas. So that didn't work. I tried to lighten the load and it turned on. But we'll see what happens. Hopefully, I won't burn down the neighborhood.

But the internet is a great apparatus. Without it, you wouldn't have been able to read this post or witness the murder of Daniel Pearl.

Obama, you better fix all this shit!

Twenty Six

"Despite all the wickedness in the wilderness, and the fact that my life kind of been a mess, if I die tomorrow I feel no bitterness. No sorrow and not one bit of stress. I'm feeling blessed that I made it this far, my 26th year, my 14th bar. I see the sunshine, feel the bass line. Listen to it telling us not to waste time."

Lately, I've withdrawn into my mind. Everyone and everything are mere images in the world that my mind has created. I act one way, receive a response, and then retreat back into my mind where it's safe. No one is hurt in my mind. No one is suffering. The outside world is simply a dangerous array of colors that will never make any sense. There are intangible concepts of love, respect, empathy that fly through the air, but they are always fleeting. They enter my soul and just as quickly escape and I am left alone. I will never truly know anyone else. That reality is difficult to accept.

Drunk and Horny

I like Charles Barkley. But he made a terrible mistake. He was recently pulled over on suspicion of DUI.

I believe people convicted of DUIs or DWIs should be punished. NASCAR should have a special race for them. Let's get them liquored up, stick them in a race car, and watch the deadly hilarity that will inevitably follow. Dale Earnhart and Davey Allison, eat your hearts out.

This brings me to my next point. Charles Barkley was reportedly in a hurry because he was visiting a friend for oral sex. That got me thinking: Oral sex is really the best oral anything. It's better than an oral examination or an oral thermometer. It beats an Oral-B toothbrush or oral cancer. And it's much better than oral herpes or Oral Roberts.

Two Boys

We have two seventeen year old boys. Khaled is from Gaza. Ehud is from Jerusalem.

Khaled believes Israel is an evil nation. It is a country mostly filled with murderers, who derive pleasure from persecuting Khaled's people. Their souls are blank and their hearts dark. They hold guns and point them at Khaled. Khaled knows if he looks wrong, an Israeli will shoot him dead without giving it a second thought. Khaled's family has no money and Khaled has no opportunity to pursue his educational goals any further. He knows Israelis view him as an animal and he isn't far from away from embracing that view.

Ehud watches an Arab teen walk by on the streets of Jerusalem and knows that this kid has hate in his heart for Ehud and his people. This kid, or somebody like him, will blow himself up just to kill some of Ehud's people. The hatred runs that deep. Ehud's family has been targets sixty years before. That persecution is the reason why Ehud lives in Jerusalem, attempting to make a life for himself free of violent oppression. He vehemently resents these Arabs who act to deny his dream.

These two, Khaled and Ehud, are irreconcilably different. Khaled's favorite non-Rocky I Rocky movie is Rocky III; Ehud's is Rocky IV. Khaled listens to 50 Cent; Ehud prefers Eminem. Khaled likes Angelina Jolie; Ehud thinks Scarlett Johansson is hotter. Khaled roots for the Lakers; Ehud, the Celtics.

Khaled hates America; Ehud loves America.

These two boys will never live together in peace. They possess impenetrable differences.

A Statement of Peace and Love

The reality is that many Jews and Arabs cannot even truthfully utter the words: We desire peace with the other. At that thought, a wave of sadness rushes through my blood. We cannot express the most instinctive and yet most evolved human emotion conceivable, love, for each other. Not every Jew has heard from his or her own lips, the sentiment, "I have love for Arabs." Far from it. Not every Arab can claim to have even once declared, "I have love for Jews." Far from it. We are unable or, more accurately, unwilling to brush away the dirty hatred to uncover the glaring jewel of love that each of us possesses for our fellow human beings, regardless of our superficial distinctions. Every human has a heart and each of our hearts is linked together in an unbreakable bond of love. But most of us choose to ignore our profound sameness with every other person in the world. Instead we are so consumed by self-interest that we fail to feel the slightest bit of empathy for anyone when we should feel empathy for everyone, especially those that wish to do us the most harm. How will we understand our enemies if we do not wish to open our hearts long enough to even listen to him or her? We cannot defeat hate with hate. Only unconditional love can transform the ugly stain of hatred and antipathy into love and respect.

But we must first begin by expressing our desires for peace, love, and understanding before we can ever dream of achieving those lofty precepts.

Horrible Things I've Said to Children

"Stop twisting your tooth or I'm gonna knock it out."

"If there are any errors in your essay, you'll be thrown through a window."

"When you go outside, I'm gonna run you over with my car."

Little boy: I want all of Santa's presents.
"They won't all fit in your house. Santa has presents for every kid in the world, except the Jews."

Little girl: I fixed the internet. I can magically fix things.
"Can you fix my life?"

The Case for Females' Innate Inferiority

?

Ana, the Jew who's Liberal About Everything Except Israel

My name is Ana. I am a Jew. I am liberal. I believe in the fundamental good of the human heart. We are all put on this earth to help one another, and that should hold especially true for our governments. Government, at its best, is a collective of representatives striving to provide its citizenry with an opportunity to meet their needs. Sometimes that simply means government should get out of the way, while other times, such as in the United States today, government has a responsibility to provide every American with health care. Government must take an active role in solving the impending environmental crisis. Government needs to give poor people a chance to succeed.

Government does not exist to instigate military actions against other nations. I have been opposed to George W. Bush's wars because they are aggressive actions against oppressed peoples. The civilians of Iraq and Afghanistan have been the true victims of the military incursions. A few horrible attacks against Americans will not bring down the United States. However, an intensive bombing campaign against poor nations will destroy the fabric of their societies. With regards to foreign policy, the United States should use compassion for the degraded peoples of the world, not treat them like pawns in a geo-political game. Too often the United States supports violent and oppressive regimes at the expense of the masses of the particular region. In general, our government needs to be more empathetic to the voiceless people in the United States and abroad.

When it comes to Israel, it is really a security issue. Israel has a right to not be attacked in any manner. If attacked, Israel has the right to bomb its enemies into smithereens for the sake of security. Hamas hides away in civilian areas, so civilians will die. Too bad. It's Hamas' fault. Israel needs to ghettoize the Palestinians so these terrorists don't strike in Israel. The nation of Israel is at stake. If bombs don't rain down on the Palestinians, they'll never learn. They are evil and should be punished. We must get rid of them and not even say Kaddish for their sorry asses.

Just A Terrorist

One way people dismiss others who they don't agree with is by labeling them. So Palestinian militants, and in some cases even civilians, are labeled as terrorists. That way, their aims can simply be ignored. They're obviously blood-thirsty savages. After all, they're terrorists.

That way, we don't have to put anything in context. Some jack offs fire rockets into Israel, they're called terrorists, and some how it becomes logical to invade Gaza and kill a bunch of civilians. No one asks: Why are these people firing rockets? We know why: They're terrorists.

It's the argument of the lazy and stupid. This form of labeling is done all the time. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a madman, not a reactionary politician trying to stir up his base so he doesn't lose his next election. George Bush is stupid, not the mastermind behind two wars and an economic crisis creating a deficit so great that the federal government will have to cut spending for the foreseeable future, thus achieving his dream of a conservative utopia where government cannot provide social programs to help the poor and needy.

So, let's cut out the labeling. Unless you're lazy and/or stupid.

Israel Needs Peace

I saw some pro-Palestinian protestors holding up signs proclaiming the recent violence in Gaza as another Holocaust. The death of hundreds of civilians is a tragedy, but in relation to the Holocaust it's like comparing a half-full bathtub to an ocean. To these morons, I suggest reading a book about the Holocaust. And not one by Arthur Butz either. Of course, these people acknowledge the existence of the Holocaust, otherwise they would be demeaning their own cause. Murder is wrong in all of its forms, but scale does matter. This offensive comparison alienates sympathetic Jews. A horrible invasion and the deaths of a few hundred people is abhorrent, but it has little in common with the systematic execution of six million people.

However, far worse than erroneous comparisons to the Holocaust is the Israeli invasion into Gaza itself. Israeli officials have apologized for the deaths of Palestinian civilians. Apologies are not going to bring these people back to life. If you step on someone's foot, you apologize. If you murder someone's family, an apology doesn't exactly cut it. This action is supposedly in retaliation for Hamas rocket fire. A way to stop militants is to alienate the rest of the population by killing their families? This logic is so inexcusably stupid. Stick your hand into a beehive and kill a couple bees; see what happens. Kill one Hamas leader and create dozens more. People fire rockets because they feel hopeless and disaffected. Bring these people into the discussion and give them hope. Don't kill random Palestinian civilians.

NFL Playoff Predictions

Wild Card round
Arizona 31 Atlanta 14; Minnesota 20 Philadelphia 13
Indianapolis 24 San Diego 14; Baltimore 14 Miami 3

Divisional round
NY Giants 31 Arizona 9; Carolina 21 Minnesota 7
Tennessee 15 Baltimore 9; Indianapolis 27 Pittsburgh 21

Conference Championships
Carolina 23, NY Giants 21; Indianapolis 28 Tennessee 16

Super Bowl XLIII
Indianapolis 24 Carolina 17

Are You Retarded?

There's something that no one in America wants to talk about and it's the politically correct fervor of the parents of retarded kids. You'd think these kids were under attack. You'd think there were groups of anti-retard gestapo coming for their kids. I'm not sure where this comes from. Everyone loves retarded kids. They're so cute! There isn't even a name for someone who hates retarded kids. Not racist, misogynist, homophobe, xenophobe, anti-Semite, nothing. You'd just say, "There's the asshole who hates retarded kids. Let's go kick him in the groin!"

Many people get upset if you say retarded child instead of special needs child. I don't see the difference. In either case, you're labeling these kids by their shortcomings. My mother never described me as a short ugly child. That would be mean! Even if she called me a vertically challenged child. Or a child with step-stool needs. What kind of mother would she be if she defined me by my faults? I have a friend who is facially challenged. He is an almost-attractive American. I have another friend who is athletically challenged. I used to have an ugly friend and another who sucked at sports. No more.

There's a retarded guy who goes to all the Nats games. I would often see him on the way home up the red line. That guy is awesome. Not because he's retarded and is able to overcome the odds and attend Nats games; that is totally demeaning bullshit. He's awesome because the Nats have been terrible and he still goes to every game. I'm a big Nats fan and I go to 10 games a season tops. I mean, what is he thinking? His devotion is admirable.

The effort given by parents to help their retarded children is often times heroic. But don't label your child by his or her shortcomings and don't waste your energy encouraging the spread of politically correct bullshit. Neither is good for your child.

New Year's Resolutions

I'm doing things a little differently this year. Here are my New Year's resolutions for 2009:

• Try not to show people I care about that I love them
• Scream and cuss more
• Treat women as brainless, heartless objects
• Kick homeless people in the back of the knee when they're not looking
• Lose all of my friends
• Become fatter
• Live in an endless cycle of loneliness and sadness
• Ostracize people with AIDS
• Stay as healthy as Dick Clark
• Mock the plight of dispossessed Africans

Basically, to make this world a little worse than how I found it.