Evil Leaders League, Season 5

This is the fifth season of the Evil Leaders League. The league will continue to consist of 8 evil leaders. Five participants are returning from last season and three are new. This is a round-robin league, much like the English Premier League soccer, not a tournament. There will be a playoffs at the end of the regular season. This season's Evil Leaders League (ELL) is dedicated to Saparmurat Niyazov. The official ELL site is here.

Let's meet the competitors:
Omar al-Bashir - in charge of Sudan since 1989. Champion last season.
Than Shwe - leader of Myanmar since 1992. Finished 2nd.
Hugo Chavez - president of Venezuela since 1999. Finished 3rd.
Kim Jong-Il - leader in North Korea since 1994. Finished 4th.
Nursultan Nazarbayev - president of Kazakhstan since 1991. Finished 5th.
Bashar al-Assad - president of Syria since 2000. New.
Omar Bongo - president of Gabon since 1967. New.
Ali Khamenei - Ayatollah of Iran since 1989. New.

al-Bashir vs Shwe
Omar al-Bashir, the ruler of Sudan, is coming off his third ELL championship. This is a rematch of last season's final matchup. Omar al-Bashir is still the evilest man in town. The mass murder continues in Sudan's Darfur region and al-Bashir should hear back on his charge of genocide from the ICC pretty soon. His ally, Hassan al-Turabi was sent to jail, which is bad for al-Bashir's political future, but good for his evil reputation and with the ladies, who love the 'bad boy.' Than Shwe, who is a little bit like a woman because he can multi-task as he's ruling both Myanmar and Burma, has a bratty grandson. This grandson, Shwe's favorite, kidnapped a famous Burmese model. Chip off the old block. Shwe hopes that the election of U.S. president Barack Obama will clear up the "misunderstandings" the two countries have had. Shwe has outlined a roadmap for democracy. This roadmap is reminiscent of the Beltway during Friday rush hour.

To view the winners of each contest, go to the official ELL site. Don't accept substitutes. Seriously, don't. While you're there, vote in the poll; each vote gives me a slight confidence boost.

Kim vs Chavez
Kim Jong-Il still leads North Korea. He has named his favorite son, Kim Jong Un, his successor should the elder Kim die. Kim made the announcement by saying, "My successor will be... Kim Jong Un-Na-Na-Nana!" while Master P's Make Em Say Uhh blasted in the background. I don't know what's more evil, ensuring the continuation of an autocratic dynasty or picking a favorite son. Hugo Chavez, the guy who makes the rules in Venezuela, is trying to pass an amendment that will abolish term limits for the president, which coincidently, happens to be him. The proposed amendment has created student protests both for and against. Apparently, dictatorships and the status quo are a hit with the young co-eds in Caracas.

Nazarbayev vs Bongo
Kazakh President Nursultan Nazarbayev, who has chosen the nickname Naz, is negotiating with U.S. General David Patreaus. Kazakhstan will allow the U.S. to use its land to transport non-military aid to Afghanistan for 7 Michael Jackson CDs. 1980s Michael Jackson CDs, none of that new bullshit; what do you think, the Kazakh leadership is filled with a bunch of oblivious half-wits? Naz is going to use his alliance with the U.S. to its fullest potential. Omar Bongo leads Gabon, which is in Africa, and I didn't just racistly make up that name or country. Bongo got off to the good start by jailing activists and journalists who inquired about possible government corruption. Bongo jazzed up his performance by not allowing the detainees to have a lawyer. According to Gabonese ministers Saiontz, Kirk & Miles, the prisoners did not have a phone (an obscure local reference, I know).

al-Assad vs Khamenei
Bashar al-Assad ushered in a new wave of change in Syria back in 2000. The Syrian president is a big fan of Hamas. He thinks less of Israel, calling for every Arab country to boycott Israel and high school productions of Fiddler on the Roof. Bashar al-Assad likens Hamas to a big bunch of teddy bears. He praises their use of "freedom rockets" into Israeli cities. The only thing nicer than Hamas is a basket full of blueberry muffins on a sunny summer's day. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is the Ayatollah of Iran, hence the title Ayatollah in front of his name. Khamenei continues this contest's anti-Israel sentiment. He has called for Iranian citizens to combat Israel's war in Gaza without advocating killing Israeli citizens. He has also called for Iranian citizens to watch episodes of Seinfeld without advocating laughter. Even though Khamenei is the Supreme Ruler of Iran, no one in the West cares until he says something Ahmadinejadian.

standings: Check the ELL site