Doesn't Matter if Werth is Worth It

Many Nats fans (and everyone around the league) are criticizing the franchise for the tremendous amount of money given to free agent Jason Werth. But the money doesn't matter, unless you're a member of the Lerner family.

Unlike in football, there's no salary cap in football. Unlike basketball, there's no luxury tax for spending too much. In baseball, there's no limit to the money paid to a club. The question is not whether Werth is worth all th emoney he's been given. It's whether he'll help the ballclub and attract more free agents.

So, as long as Werth produces and is just part of the strategy for building the team, I'm thrilled with the pick up.

Socialist Principles

Call me a vicious socialist, but I'm in favor of giving healthcare to 9/11 responders and to raise taxes on the very rich. I know, I know, that makes me a disgusting Lenin lover, a Stalin shtuper, a Marx muff-diver, and a communist cocksucker.

The Secret to Love

So I created an audio file with the secret to finding and keeping the love of your life. But I'm not good with computers; I haven't an idea how to post it. I've tried and tried, but I just have no clue.

I've tried googling it to find out how to post it, but it's very frustrating. I don't know what words to put in. I keep playing with different phrases, but nothing seems to get me the information that I need to put up this wonderful secret.

The stuff on this audio file is really great too. If you want to find that special someone, after listening to this file, you will, no doubt about it. The sad thing is I keep thinking about all of the people this secret could help. Imagine spending the rest of your days with the love of your life. I just can't figure out how to post this damn file.

Moving On

There have been many ugly incidents recently, my fellow citizens, and I believe it is in our nation's best interest to put them behind us. It appears the honeymoon is over.

When I first took over this great land, there was much excitement. You all had an elegance about you. You were vibrant. You were beautiful. I saw myself being the head of our metaphorical household for the rest of our lives.

Nearly two years into our marriage, things have changed. You are not the people I thought you were. You look haggard. Your clothes are in tatters. The sparkle in your eyes is gone.

Many mistakes have been made during my tenure at the helm of this great country. And I forgive you for them. You are an imperfect people. As Jessie Jackson once preached, "Leaders must be strong enough to overlook the faults of their followers and keep on moving."

And so I will. For now that I have learned your true nature, I will be better able to lead you.

Today's decrees
We must return to the intellectual heights that we once knew. One way is to punish ignorance. Anyone who spells Gandhi like Ghandi or pronounces it to rhyme with candy will be beaten with an Algebra textbook.

To create a healthier society and avoid transmitting germs, the only kind of low-fiving allowed is San Antonio Spurs guard Gary Neal's imaginary version.

To get the economy rolling again, every tenth $5 bill is now worth $50.

Sitting Down for the National Anthem

Operation Remain Seated During the National Anthem at the George Mason Game last Saturday was a resounding success. You, being the patriotic type who cannot even fathom why an individual would refuse to stand up for the national anthem, are wondering why.

Don't I support the troops? Don't I value our freedoms? Don't I appreciate living in the greatest country to ever exist?

Eh.

I could tell you that I am patriotic and part of expressing one's love of country is the ability to criticize. But I'm over that. Honestly, I'm not patriotic, except, perhaps, when it comes to sports. I love when Team USA dunks over some poor schlub from Angola. I could say that true love of country is not blind affection but living its values. For example, by asserting my freedom of expression. But who are we kidding.

I sat down during the national anthem because I realized that I didn't want to stand up for it. That they play the national anthem before sporting events is absurd to begin with. I realized that I only stood for the anthem because of societal expectations and pressures. I didn't want to cause a scene or be subjected to undue harassment.

But I do not support the U.S.'s use of military might in the world. Thousands of people in Iraq and Afghanistan, among other places, have been killed because of my nation-state. I do not support those killings. Often, it will be argued that those killings were in America's interest. That is patriotism justifying murder. I do not support it. Those killings were not in my best interest.

So, I will continue to stay seated during the national anthem, unless, of course, you know, I've snuck into a better seat than the one printed on my ticket.

Reaction to WikiLeaks Revelations

The WikiLeaks situation is merely part of my plan for governmental transparency. However, a recent Assorted Press article goes beyond open government, intentionally attempting to humiliate me by exposing embarrassing revelations. That really sticks in my craw.

Many are asking, did I really ask to titty fuck German Chancellor Angela Merkel? Let me make this clear, it depends on the definition of "did". If "did" means "didn't" then I didn't. And the same goes for the other alleged actions.

Now that that's been clarified, it's on to some distracting decrees.

Today's decrees
This is an ancient land, so only traditional lifestyles will be accepted.

I know the previous decree is kind of ambiguous, so I just want to make it clear that we're talking about gay people there.

I decree that my fantasy football team wins regardless of the actual results.

Chanukah Wonderland

Various captions below...

The brainchild of the pedophilic rabbi from Dateline a few years ago.

Whatever happened to our humble festival of lights to counterbalance the ostentatious capitalist greed of Christmas?

(Imagine a Yiddish accent) We didn't have Chanukah Wonderland when we were growing up. We only had stale chocolate. It was impossible to open and we always got chocolate under our fingernails. We called it gelt. And we loved it.

For the first time in my life, I kind of wish we were wiped out in the Holocaust.

(Imagine a mean old Jewish lady with a 50-year smoking habit) Chanukah Wonderland. We got gelt. We got latkes. We got dreidels. Chanukah Wonderland. We got dreidels on gelt. We got latkes made of gelt. We got dreidels made of latkes. Chunakah Wonderland. It's a wonderland of excitement.

Biden's Delusion on Afghanistan

In this WikiLeaks cable (12, last line), Vice President Joe Biden said of the U.S. in Afghanistan, "Besides the demography, geography, and history of the region, we have a lot going for us." Besides personality, appearance, and a lack of intelligence, I've got a lot going for me too.

Imagine bunking with Biden in a concentration camp during the Holocaust. "I love this place. Lots of exercise and fresh air. Plus look at how much weight I've lost!"

Damage of Leaked Cables?

By: The Assorted Press

A recent stash of cables has been released by the website WikiLeaks. The cables help provide a fuller picture of the Dear and Fearless Leader.

The cables show reservations from diplomats about engaging in the Tajikistan Crisis and the devastating effect it had on the world's perception of the Dear and Fearless Leader. Moreover, diplomats notified the Dear and Fearless Leader that the recent scandal dubbed Gategate has also lowered his esteem among global leaders.

But more than anything the leaked cables paint a picture of a leader with an insatiable sexual appetite and very little concern for diplomatic decorum.

His ambassador to Germany wrote, "Your request to "titty fuck" [German Chancellor Angela] Merkel has been denied." His representative to the UN wrote a similar cable, "Your request to use [UN Secretary General] Ban Ki-moon's balls as soap and rub them all over your body has been politely declined."

Often, the Dear and Fearless Leader's sexual requests were downright offensive. He apparently wanted to perform a sex act known as a "Dirty Sanchez" on Mexican President Felipe Calderon. He evidently asked LeBron James to engage with him in a "Cleveland Steamer" despite the fact that the basketball star had recently spurned Cleveland and joined the Miami Heat in free agency.

In one cable, the Dear and Fearless Leader was told that former Israeli Prime Minister Golda Meir was not available for sexual intercourse because she was dead. Another thwarted his attempt to wear Afghan President Hamid Karzai's trademark karakul hat "on either head," a reference to his cranium and his penis. A third expressed a desire to receive a "Ban Ki-moon" from North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il.

It is not known how much damage the leaked cables will have on the Dear and Fearless Leader's reputation, but most experts believe it will be limited. He wasn't held in high regard in most diplomatic circles before the leaks. His often lewd sexual desires were somewhat known. He had even taken the unusual step of actually admitting to committing rape, calling the act "unwitting sexual relations" in a past decree.

The Saudi Memo

According to a memo exposed by WikiLeaks, Saudi King Abdullah urged the U>S. to attack Iran. This should not come as a surprise. Saudi Arabia and Iran have been the two biggest rivals to represent Muslims in the Middle East in general and the Palestinian cause specifically.

Saudis tend to be Sunni. But the leadership is viewed suspiciously within the wider Arab world because of links with the U.S. The U.S. was allowed to station troops in Saudi Arabia in the run up to the first Persian Gulf War. That act was considered an affront to many Muslims because Saudi Arabia is home too the holy cities of Mecca and Medina.

Iran has been a staunch enemy of the U.S. since the revolution in 1979. But in an era with increasing tensions between Sunnis and Shiites, Iranians are predominantly Shi’a whereas much of the rest of the Middle East is Sunni. Iranians are also predominantly Persian whereas most of the rest of the Middle East in ethnically Arab.

Iran rush to obtain a nuclear weapon will give it credibility within the Middle East and a louder voice on the global stage. This will diminish Saudi Arabia's regional status. It’s a typical case of leaders concerning themselves with their own egos at the expense of human life.

(More at The HQT-IE)