Voters Appreciation Day Allegations

Dear citizens. I have been accused of saying some rather outlandish things at the party to celebrate Voters Appreciation Day a couple of days ago. My accuser(s) have tape recorded my voice at the party and experts have determined that it is not a fake and cannot have been anyone other than me.

My fellow co-nationalists, I admit that I made those regrettable comments. However, they were taken grossly out of context. Yes, beautiful women were present at the party, but keep in mind, my life is not that far away from your own. Remember, the celebration was in your honor (your invitation was probably lost in the mail). Furthermore, this enormous breech of national security affects you. Do we want to give our enemies information that could potentially harm or embarrass us?

In response to this egregious and wanton disregard for national security, I must take action. Up until this point, I have been a staunch supporter of gay rights. Newsweek even did an article about it, written by Fareed Zakaria, called A Pro-Gay Rights Dictator: The Dear and Fearless Leader's rare show of humanity. That's what makes this change of heart so difficult. But if you're "outing" me for loving the ladies, then you're probably gay. Plus, I could really use a new scapegoat.

Today's decrees
No more gay marriage. No more hair stylists or theatre actors. No more well dressed men. All banned.

Excerpts from the Voters Appreciation Day Party

Our Dear and Fearless Leader declared yesterday to be Voters Appreciation Day. He then threw a party to honor the country's move to democracy. Here are some excerpts from that party that were tape recorded by an anonymous attendee.

Dear and Fearless Leader: "TITTIES! Big or small, round or pointy, I love 'em! Come girls, rub them in my face."
...

Dear and Fearless Leader: "Bring that sweet ass over here baby, so I can smack it in the name of democracy!"
...

Dear and Fearless Leader: "How 'bout this. I'll shake up this bottle of Diet Caffeine Free Coke and spray it on you like those guys in the music videos."
...

Dear and Fearless Leader: "You know, it's great to be the unquestioned leader of a nation, if for no other reason than women will do anything for you for fear of death if they don't comply. It sure makes up for my love life before I became a dictator."
...

Dear and Fearless Leader: "Thong, thong, thong, thong, thong."

Wildlife Conservation in Tanzania

In the West, it is in vogue to advocate for wild animals in Africa. But there is more than meets the eye to this issue.

In Tanzania, national parks and game reserves have been used as a weapon of colonialism. The Meru in northern Tanzania rely on the land to subsist. In fact, their ethnicity is not based on heredity, but is based on a connection with Mount Meru. But much of Mount Meru was taken over, first by the colonial government, and then kept by the independent Tanzanian government.

The lack of land has rendered the Meru into a state of poverty. Ironically, the Meru have traditional shied away from hunting bigger game that conservation organizations hope to protect.

In addition, whites have a long history of hunting wild game in Africa. At the same time, African hunting has been targeted. When whites hunted, it was considered a sport. When Africans hunted for food, it was considered barbaric.

The point is not to condemn wildlife conservation in anyway. Instead, the point is to bring the difficult consequences of wildlife conservation into the discourse.
(The HQT-IE)

Our Nation is Democratic

This is a great day for our nation, fellow citizens. No one can doubt that we are a country committed to democracy. I would like to thank every citizen who voted. Your vote is a show of defiance against our critics who brand us with names such as "autocratic," "totalitarian," and "backshit crazy." You have endorsed my rule with a resounding 145.7% of the vote. I've heard of giving 110%, but your validation of my time in office is ridiculously generous.

Today's decrees
It is decreed that tomorrow will be known as Voters Appreciation Day.

Voters Appreciation Day will celebrate the sacrifice and courage that all voters exhibited in coming out to vote for me. The festivities will take the form of a small party in my gorgeous backyard featuring beautiful scantily clad women. The party is by invitation only, so check your mailboxes!

The Bills are 0-8

The last two Bills losses have been heartbreaking. The Bills were driving in the 4th against the Kansas Chiefs when Fitzpatrick threw an interception when the team was on the Chiefs 40. Rian Lindell misses a 50+ yard field goal and the Chiefs knocked one through the uprights with time running out in overtime.

Today, the Bills scored to close the lead to within 14-13. Lindell's extra point attempt was blocked, the first PAT miss of his career. The Bills scored, but missed the two-point conversion to take 19-14 lead. But the Chicago Bears scored late, made the two-point conversion and won 22-19. The Bills scored as many times as the Bears, both had 3 TDs, but the extra point fiasco was the difference.

The 0-8 Bills have lost three straight games by three points, two of them in overtime. We're getting close. But half the season is gone without a win. Anxiety is creeping in.

Super Six Thankfully Continues

Many fans and writers have called for an end to the Super Six super middleweight round robin and tournament. I don't understand this sentiment in the least. Imagine you have a harem of six beautiful women. Three of the six leave and are replaced by two (less) attractive women. Scrapping the tournament would be like abandoning your harem to go home and masturbate.

Think of what's to come in the Super Six. I've been excited for Froch-Abraham for a while. Ward will likely fight Froch, Abraham, or both when the tournament reaches the single elimination portion. We might get to watch Froch-Abraham II. And I'm intrigued to see tomorrow's fight between Johnson and Green, so we can finally uncover if Green is a viable contender or not.

Of course, with the luck of the Super Six, Johnson-Green will end in a draw and no one will know what to do to about the fourth spot of the semifinals. But without the tournament, there's no guarantee that we would witness these contests or anything remotely as interesting in the super middleweight division.

Wojnarowski is the Real Bully

I'm not a fan of Kevin Garnett. But even more, I dislike bad sports writing. And there's plenty out there. Adrian Wojnarowski's article on Kevin Garnett fits that description.

Charlie Villanueva accused Kevin Garnett of calling him "a cancer patient." Garnett later explained that Villanueva had misheard him and that he had said Villanueva was "cancerous to your team and our league." Wojnarowski, for his part, takes Villanueva's side. In his article he creates a false logic that for Garnett's statement to have been accurate, Villanueva must "completely [back] down." I could easily say that for Villanueva's statement to have been the truth, Garnett would have to back away from his.

The bigger issue is that Wojnarowski doesn't believe Garnett would make such a "stiff" statement within the heat of competition. That is essentially the basis for his siding with Villanueva. But it speaks to Wojnarowski's subconscious prejudices about black athletes. Perhaps he feels if black athletes don't throw in a "yo mama" it can't possibly be authentic. In fact, he argues (without any evidence) that it wasn't until Garnett got home and had a chance to think about it does KG come up with his above statement.

But Adrian Wojnarowski is smart. "Too smart, too calculating" to leave himself open to charges of prejudice without covering his bases. He mentions that Kevin Garnett is "smart" (specifically that word) three different times in the article. His overemphasis of Garnett's intelligence, particularly in the wake of him questioning Garnett's ability to spout a simple and coherent bit of trash talk in the heat of the game, comes across as disingenuous.

I cannot speak to Garnett's intelligence. He struggled in high school and couldn't pass the minimum requirements to enter college. That certainly doesn't mean he's not smart. Intelligence can be measured in many ways. But it's not an indication that he is either. Regardless of his intelligence, I believe he is capable of articulating a simple sentiment within the heat of battle, whether "stiff" or not. But Wojnarowski disagrees and his article, which is totally based on speculation, amounts to little more than bullying.

Republican Compromise?

Now that the Republicans have won the House of Representatives, and they have a political stake in the success of the government, perhaps they will finally be willing to compromise with the Democrats. They have spent two years attempting to block the Democratic program without offering solutions of their own. But now, they might be willing to give a little to get a little. Here's hoping.

But the big story of the 2010 elections is the ridiculously wide shift of power in the House of Representatives. It implies that people who voted Democratic in 2008 voted Republican in 2010, despite the often irreconcilably divergent ideologies of the two sides. It's mind boggling how politically malleable the American electorate can be. Of course, low turnout hurt the Democrats, so this shift in allegiance doesn't account for the entire shift. But district that had a liberal Congressperson, now may have a Tea Party representative.

It's also telling that Obama was blamed for the economic difficulties which began under Bush. How the electorate believes a split Congress will solve the problems is beyond me. Perhaps the compromise that I pondered above is the only chance.

Feingold Loses, Jews Sad

Russ Feingold, a pillar of progressivism in Senate, has lost his reelection bid in Wisconsin tonight. Feingold was the lone Senator to vote against the Patriot Act, a truly courageous and level-headed decision. Feingold also spearheaded campaign finance reform, a noble endeavor.

Feingold has been a hero of liberal Jews. Well, at least for me anyway, maybe no one else has heard of him. I drafted him in the 9th round with 34th overall pick in the 2006 Jew Draft. It was a pick, along with Bella Abzug, that assured my team the ability to out-legislate the other Jew teams.

This has been a sad day. That a liberal like Feingold was in the Senate always gave me pride and that he was a Jew added to that sentiment. I wish him well.

Endorsements

As always, the HarazQuack Times gives you endorsements. You know about Allwine and Henry already. Here's your voter's guide form the Gazette.

For comptroller, go with Peter Franchot. Campbell is unexperienced and wants to cut corporate taxes. Chris Van Hollen is the lesser of four evils. Rob Garagiola for State Senate in District 15 actually has a platform, unlike his challenger. For the House of Delegates in District 15, Kathleen Dumais, Brian Feldman, and Aruna Miller all have a good grasp of what the county needs. Scott Graham is a reasonable choice too. The others want to cut taxes as if that will somehow help a deficit.

For Montgomery County Council, George Gluck, Marc Elrich, Nancy Floreen, and Hans Riemer are the Times choices, but the inexperienced Nixon Uncapher is a resonable candidate as well. Progressive solution is our motto. Brandman, Docca, O'Neill, and definitely Durso are the endorsements for the board. On the state questions: #1 against, #2 for, #3 for, county question A for.

Happy voting!