Diversity Idiots

I have a friend born and raised in India. When we were in college, white students would always ask her about growing up with so much diversity around her. She'd just look at them dumbfounded, thinking, "What the fuck are you talking about?"

She grew up in the southwestern state of Kerala where she was surrounded almost entirely by (surprise!) Indians. Her city of Cochin does a have a degree of religious diversity, there are of course Hindus, some Christians, some Muslims, and a Jew street, but all of those people are (surprise again!) also Indian.

So, white American students, please use your brain before saying anything.

Ted Haggard vs Mark Foley

"Dude, let's just get high and go nuts."

"I dunno, ur not really my type. Too old."

The Competitors
Ted Haggard is the former anti-gay Pastor and leader of an Evangelical organization of 30 million people. He snorted some meth (evidently one can snort meth, I checked) and had some of that gay sex with a male prostitute. Oops.

Mark Foley is a former Congressperson from Florida, who co-wrote legislation implementing harsh punishment for child molesters. He resigned from Congress for writing sexually charged emails to boys, who were young enough to be 'Nsync fans and not automatically deemed effete. Plus, he probably had sex with a couple of them. Then he entered a rehab program for a fictitious case of alcoholism. Yikes.

The Competition
So, which is worse?

Let me first say that both make me ejaculate a little. Not because elicit explicit detailed stories of drug-induced manlove and cyberpedophilia turn me on, but tales of hypocritical horrible men make me quite stiff and misty. Hey, everyone has fetishes.

Think about this: if Ted Haggard was anything but an anti-gay activist, then there wouldn't be any problems with him having the gay butt sex. He could have all of the gay butt sex he wanted and I'd be cool with it. Jesus would be too (I asked him, he's part of the Secret Jewish Conspiracy email club). In which case, the only things he would've done wrong is snorting meth, paying for sex, and committing adultery. But he was an anti-gay activist, so the hypocrisy part of the gay sex is wrong.

Mark Foley was also a hypocrite. If he had just said that child molestation was ok, he wouldn't be a child predator AND a hypocrite, just one of those. Also, The HarazQuack Times is ready to officially call Mark Foley a child-fucker, due to intensive research of the instant message conversations between Mr. Foley and congressional pages that clearly indicate there was some touchy-feely involved.

The Break-down
Ted Haggard was anti-gay, which is bad. Turns out he's gay, which is good. He committed adultery, which is bad. He said doing meth was bad, which is good. He did meth, which is bad. Mark Foley said fucking children was bad, which is good. He fucked children; that's bad. He said he was alcoholic, which is bad. He's probably not alcoholic, which is good.

The Conclusion
Ted Haggard and Mark Foley had the exact opposite scandal and none of it was good. And the winner is... Everyone except Ted Haggard and Mark Foley.

G-d Shammg-d

Personally, I believe that G-d transcends human comprehension. Confining G-d to a building, (saying- this is G-d's House) contradicts this. For me, the appropriate time to ponder G-d is more important than the proper place. I do respect places that are used to focus one's energy on G-d, I just don't believe they are holier than everywhere else. G-d is everywhere and thus everywhere is holy. The spot with the Dome of the Rock, the Western Wall, and the steps Jesus strolled on, is no more holy than the backseat of anti-gay Pastor Ted Haggard's rented Ford Fiesta as he snorts meth off of a male prostitute's ass. I dunno, does one snort meth? I've got enough trouble trying to break my 5-Slurpees-a-week habit.

A G-d, not THE G-d.

Leave Us Out Of It

Adam Sandler sardonically sung, "O.J. Simpson, not a Jew." Well, neither is Michael Richards.

The worst part of Michael Richards' racist rant was that it shifted the dialogue on racism in America back to a place where we thought we had passed. Most of us know that you don't scream out slurs at someone, not due to political correctness (looking at you Andy Rooney), but because it's wrong and it's hurtful. I'm all for calling people out because of who they are (a jerk, an asshole, a vicious racist), but I'm not for calling people out for what they are.

Somehow the Jews have been brought into this fiasco. Specifically, many have "accused" Michael Richards of being Jewish. He's not. He's a high-ranking Freemason, a member of the Scottish Rite, and was raised Catholic. His name is Michael Anthony Richards. Ok, Michael is a Jewish name, but it's also a gentile name. No Jews have the name "Anthony" anywhere in their name; sorry, we don't do that. And Richards is not a Jewish name. There are no Richardsbergs or Richardsteins for Jews to shorten to Richards in order to impress the gentiles.

The unbelievable part of this is that a white male goy goes on a crazy rant and suddenly its pinned to a Jew. How did we get blamed for this one? Paul Rodriguez, for some reason, has decided that Michael Richards is Jewish. You know, somewhere Hitler is smiling- a Latino falsely claims that the [white gentile] guy who screamed hate at black people is a Jew. What the fuck?! THEY did it to us again.

Here's another twist. Cosmo Kramer, the character that Michael Richards played on Seinfeld, is not even Jewish. He was based on Jerry Seinfeld's Jewish friend and was originally supposed to be Jewish, as were George and Elaine. But network executives felt the show was too Jewish and changed the identity of everyone but Jerry (source David Zurawick "The Jews of Primetime").
Damn, you didn't think I had sources and shit, did ya!

Shaky Start

The New York Knicks beat the Wizards and the Heat in convincing fashion this year. But besides those two wins against sure-shot playoff teams, the Knicks season has been, as expected, not good. The Knicks are 5-9.

Jamal Crawford continues to be inconsistent. If he could just learn to have his unbelievable games more times than not, the Knicks would have a go-to scorer. Eddy Curry is a larger version of Crawford's inconsistency. Getting rid of both Marbury and Francis would still be addition by subtraction. The bright spots on the team are still the young players who actually give effort night in and night out (imagine that). Nate Robinson, David Lee, and Ronaldo Balkman (still should've picked Marcus Williams) should be the epitome of this team's work ethic on the floor, but instead they're the exceptions. Channing Frye has had a surprisingly bad beginning, which isn't helping anything.

I loved Isiah Thomas as a player. I supported him as Pacers coach. But he fucked up the Knicks royally. Yes, the team sucks. Yes, the players get paid more money than the accumulative total GDP of all the ex-Soviet satellite nations since the fall of communism.* But the worst part is that Isiah Thomas somehow acquired almost an entire team of unlikable players. Most have no heart and it's sucking out the energy of the players that actually do.

Again, I call for Herb Williams to be reinstituted as coach. Herb Williams has been with the Knicks forever. He actually gives a shit about the state of the franchise. He even fasted for the holy month of Ramadan in solidarity with his player Nazr Muhammad. Hey, that's not an easy fast, believe me. Promote Herb Williams to head coach. Give him time, lots of time. Give him young players who work hard. Long live Herb Williams!



Oh, and the Knicks will make the playoffs this year, mark my words (better yet, don't).



key
*- Totally madeup and probably not even a real statistic.

500th Post!!!

500 POSTS - I DID IT!

And just like a Belarusian election, it doesn't matter how you vote, President Lukoshenko is gonna win. This is the my 500th post and I've changed the world. I've taken on all comers, Ann Coulter, Thom Brennaman, the Belarusian electoral process, Hitler, the Pope, Domingo Paes, Karl Rove, Billy Packer, Al Jolson, the rabbi on Dateline that wanted to fuck little kids, short women, and Jews for Jesus (or as I call them, Christians), among many others. I am an amazing human being. To quote Malcolm X, "Hi, um, lemme have a Coke... medium... no fries today, thanks." Ok, it's not his best quote, but it's the one that applies most appropriately to this blog. Uh, I think I'm the fries he didn't want in that metaphor.

After I graduated college, like most people, I was a little down. Part of it was because there was no one to hear all of my pithy comments; pithy comments that NEEDED to be heard, or, at least, said. During the 2004 NFL season, Terrell Owens suddenly became an angel in the eyes of sports writers everywhere and Randy Moss was detested for PRETENDING to moon the Green Bay Packers' fans. I couldn't take how arbitrary and hypocritical it all was. Something needed to be done. So I decided to start a blog and write horrible or ridiculous things unrelated to Moss' fake moon. I must be a hero.

Generally, you get to read the second tier of horrible things that come to mind. I save the truly disturbing stuff for myself and internalize it. My family and friends are very proud. Here's to 500 more posts- and based on the first 500- at least 487 of which will suck (I still like that "Jews for Jesus are called Christians" line).

Incidentally, over the span of 500 posts, you offend a few people. I'd like to apologize to the following: short women, immigrants, Thom Brennaman, Malcolm X, fat people, Muslims, Ed Bradley, gay people, Jews, the fucking idiot who thought Super Bowl XL was Roman numerically represented as "Super Bowl XXXX," American Indians, Domingo Paes, Polish people, anyone who reads this blog, and of course to Jesus for saying that he didn't wipe his ass (think about it, they didn't have toilet paper back then!).


Thanks for reading and much love to everyone.

Things Hitler Ruined

I want to wish us Americans Happy Thanksgiving and everyone else, well, a nice Thursday. And what better way to show my appreciation for living than an evaluation of the things that Hitler ruined for the rest of the world.

Because Hitler was such a bad guy, he took these things out of vogue, thus ruining them for the rest of us:

• The name Adolph.
• The surname Hitler.
• His mustache style.
• Being Austrian.
• Living in Germany.
• Vegetarianism.
• Sex with a hot shiksa.
• Being a failed art student.
• Yelling in the German language.
• Slightly raised straight-arm salutes.
• The swastika.
• Being a totalitarian dictator.
• Killing Jews.
• Nazis.
• Armbands.

And last but not least, I tried to start a camp to help kids with ADD focus better. But no one wanted to send their kids to my concentration camp. Wow! I apologize for that one. I'm gonna eat some turkey and come back refreshed.

On Second Thought

I was going to write about the delectable irony of an Iraqi comedian, who attempted to make light of the horrors inflicted on his people by the American decision to attack Iraq, killed in the very same war he was mocking. How comical! It would be even better if the Iraqi comedian, who makes fun of the war, died in a hilarious way in that war. Upon further review, it's not funny. In fact, it's sad. And anyone who has supported this war is heartless and gutless.

Instead I'm going to write about the fact that I was named one of the five sexiest short guys in the world. And I just want to say what an honor it is for those other guys to be on the same list as me.

The Prayoffs, Game 6

My neck felt a little better after 10 days of rest, but it's still sore and stiff. Laying on the couch watching football and basketball will help a neck get better. However, if Pat Robertson, by way of Jesus, truly does have the power to heal, as he claims he does, my neck would be feeling much better right now. One night last week, my neck hurt so bad, it kept me up at night. So Pat Robertson loses pivotal Game 5.

Game 6
I've got no problem with Christmas. I don't celebrate it, but I think it's great (in theory). Peace, love, charity- that all sounds great. I mean, I don't need it all up in my face, but it's a nice holiday. Some people, including Pat Robertson, would claim that there's a war on Christmas. I just don't think that's true. I'm not sure that Wal-Mart posting signs that say "Happy Holidays" for one year constitutes a war. If there was a true war on Christmas, there would be the potential of Christmas not happening. So, if Christmas doesn't come around this year, I win the prayoff series against Pat Robertson, and my lord is the one true lord. If there is Christmas this year, Pat Robertson ties the series at 3-3 and we go to a Game 7.

Recap
Game 1: Fidel Castro didn't die, Pat Robertson lost. Me 1-0.
Game 2: I am repulsive to women. I lost. Tie 1-1.
Game 3: I ran a marathon in 4 hours and 25 minutes. Pat Robertson won. Pat Robertson 2-1.
Game 4: The Democrats won both Houses of Congress. I won. Tie 2-2.
Game 5: My neck still hurts. I won. Me 3-2. 1 win away!

How Should I Celebrate?

My 500th post is coming up soon, but I don't know how to celebrate. Since you have to read this shit, I'm opening up possibilities to you, the reader. Just like the Belarusian elections, you can vote everyday.

How should I celebrate my 500th post?
	Grandiose self-congratulatory bullshit
	Bitter self-deprecation
	Ignore it
	Explain the origins of this blog
	Inappropriate Jesus jokes
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