The Prophet Muhammad, Jew-Okay?

Tonight, I evaluate the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and his relationship to Jews.

Sure, Muhammad (pbuh) had his tiffs with the Jews, who hasn't? I know I have and I'm one of them. But he respected the Jews. Originally he prayed towards Jerusalem and attempted to incorporate other Jewish tenets into Islam. Some may cynically claim that he did this in hopes of attracting Jews to Islam. This is probably partly true (and not all that bad), but his devotion to these Jewish-influenced tenets was also genuine. Essentially, Islam is far closer to Judaism as a religion than is Christianity. We truly only worship one G-d, not your little 3 god bullshit (father, son, and holy ghost) and still try to claim that you're monotheist. Wow, what a nonsensical, inappropriate, and unnecessary criticism of Christianity.

Anyway, Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) is J-okay to me!

T-O Madness

Evidently, Terrell Owens of the Dallas Cowboys attempted suicide Tuesday night, or so the media would have you believe. He claims he simply took a bad combination of pills (he added pain killers because of his injured hand) and passed out.

The media latched on to one comment Owens made while he was still out of it. Apparently a preliminary police report claimed that he answered "Yes" to the question of whether or not he was trying to hurt himself. This was never confirmed by anyone.

The entire media coverage of the situation was shameful. It is so irresponsible to even put out rumors when there is no confirmation. Remember Watergate? Woodward and Bernstein had to get multiple sources to say the same thing even before the Washington Post would run even the most obvious story. The T-O "story" is simply representative of this journalist carelessness.

More than the media turning into a tabloid circuit is the question of if Owens actually did try to commit suicide. There was absolutely no compassion for Owens throughout the entire coverage. If he actually did attempt suicide (and you have sufficient confirmation) report it and move on for the sake of the person that attempted suicide.

Damn, whatever happened to empathy?

More Racist Than I Thought

I promise not to exaggerate or make up anything in this post, because it would only cheapen the truth. I've actually under-reported the racism of incumbent Republican senate candidate from Virginia, George Allen.

In college in the 1970s, at least four college classmates assert that Allen frequently referred to black people using the n-word. While he was a lawyer, he displayed a confederate flag in his office and a noose (I know, that's really fucked up. But I promise it's true).

In comparison, this isn't as bad, but it's still not great: When confronted with the "allegation" that his mother has a Jewish heritage, he fervently spouted her supposed ethnicity (Italian and Spanish) including her percentages of each. The next day he claimed to embrace his mother's Jewish heritage, but said that he still had a ham sandwich for lunch and his mother made delicious porkchops.

Now all we have to do is get him to say something bigoted against rednecks and he may actually lose the senate race!

Nazi Zionist Pigs?

I'm in favor of a Palestinian state and I want to see the lives of the Palestinians improve dramatically. But let me drop a little Jewish paternalism on you.

The Palestinians (this is probably just a loud minority) need to make up their minds if they want to give their struggle any credibility: Either the Holocaust never happened or the Israelis are like Nazis; it can't be both, you gotta pick one fellas.

Given those two choices, I'd pick the Nazi-Israeli comparison. The problem with the comparison is that it's meant to speak to sympathetic Jews, but is really just offensive. I have a friend who claimed during last year's NBA playoffs that Dirk Nowitzki was the best basketball player of all time. Now don't get me wrong, he's a great player, but with a statement like that, I'm put in the position of having to explain why he's not the best player of all time, instead of explaining his great attributes.

As bad as the situation is for the Palestinians, there has not been anything close to an attempt at extinction, so the Israeli-Nazi comparison is a bit of hyperbole and distracts us from real-life concerns.

Moving on, I agree that Jews and Israel are two separate entities. You can be anti-Israel[i policy] and not anti-Jewish at the same time.

However, I've heard many Muslims define the problem as Zionism (and not Jews). Their definition of Zionism is a violent imperial force, not associated with any religion. I understand what they're talking about, but you need to find another word.

Zionism already has a very distinct definition: It stems from 19th century European anti-Semitism and is the belief that Jews need a nation-state of their own to avoid discrimination, preferably but not necessarily in Israel. With that definition, I am a Zionist. So when you rant against the Zionist pigs, you are talking about me and then I don't feel like hearing you. Something like apartheid is a better word. Many Jews fought the South African government to eradicate that oppressive system of government.

More Bigotry Problems

The bigotry of Virginia's candidates for senate, Jim Webb and George Allen, has been well documented. Now, we have even more developments. The Green party candidate Allen Ackerman has called the Statue of Liberty "a whore."

Now this sounds bad (it is misogynist), but keep in mind that a lot of people have "come ashore" on the Statue of Liberty's "island" in "search of the American Dream."





author's note: Just about none of this post is true.

The Prayoffs, Game 2

L'Shana Tova Pat Robertson! It's been a week and as far as I know, Fidel Castro is still alive which means I win this one. In addition, Hugo Chavez said some crazy shit, making it a blowout for me. The Jew G-d is winning 1-0 over Pat Robertson's Jesus.

Game 2
In this contest, Pat Robertson and I will pray our hardest to our respective Lords over the issue of me having a girlfriend. I will pray that I will find a nice lady friend before I leave for Florida for my cousin's Jew wedding on October 6th. Not just any woman (that wouldn't be fair) but someone I truly care about. Pat Robertson, you will pray that I will not find a girlfriend that I care about (that cares about me too) before October 6, 2006.

I know I'm an underdog here. I'm short and shy and have less than two weeks to find someone, and I'm busy. And I have a face for radio and a voice for the internet (which is not a clever pun). It doesn't look good, but I won't give up hope.

Pat, why do you pray for my unhappiness? But you better hope I don't find someone, or you'll be down 0-2 in this best of seven prayoffs!

Backshit Crazy

The Virginian senatorial race. Wait, wait, wait, don't go anywhere yet, this gets good.

In this corner, the Republican candidate George Allen:

• called an Indian-American guy "Macaca" twice, implying that was the man's name. Macaca is like the n-word in French. Allen also welcomed the man to America (the man was born and raised in Virginia).
• met with the Council of Conservative Citizens as governor. The CCC is a white supremacist group.

And in this corner, the Democratic candidate Jim Webb:

• wrote an essay 27 years ago saying that women are too horny and weak to fight in combat.
• portrayed his Jewish Democratic primary opponent with money coming out of his pockets in a campaign pamphlet. No word if they depicted the Jewish candidate with a hooked nose or devil horns as well.

Well, it comes down to the voters of Virginia. Which kind of hatred do they favor: the focused, in-your-face, call-you-a-macaca brand of racism exhibited by George Allen or the varied, intellectual, sexist-essay-writing, anti-Semitic-satirical bigotry of Jim Webb?

Now it has been uncovered that George Allen is "Jewish" because his grandfather is Jewish. Listen, George Allen is as Jewish as I am Christian, and believe me, none of you would consider my kikey-ass Christian. Whenever confronted with the allegation that his grandfather is a Jew, Allen always ignores it and insists that his mother was raised Christian. Is George Allen Jewish? Thanks, but no thanks.

However, if his Jewish heritage costs him the election, fuck it, he's Jewish!

Yo Voté

About a week ago, I voted in the Maryland primaries. After voting, I received a sticker with the words "Yo Voté" on it. Was this some kind of alien language? The sticker could have said "My mother's a whore" for all I know. I felt threatened.

Pepe, a small Mexican boy that I keep locked up in my basement until he realizes that "v" and "b" are two different letters and make two different sounds, told me that the strange letters formed a language known as Spanish.

Spanish is taking over our lives. It's on our voting stickers, it's on our Taco Bell menus (well, sort of), it's on our two Spanish-language tv stations, and I even heard a public announcement in Spanish while waiting for the metro once. It's everywhere in America, and I, for one, don't like it.

Now some may say that if I had looked 1/16 of an inch (I measured) above the words "Yo Voté" on my sticker, I would have noticed the words "I voted" just below an ostentation picture of the American flag. But I'm a busy man, I don't have time to adjust my eyesight ever-so-slightly, I got things to do (lay on the couch) and people to see (on tv).

As for that Spanish message at the metro station, some may claim that it was simply repeating the message already announced in English and to help people who are more comfortable with Spanish than English. But, what if it was a secret code telling the Spanish-speakers to kill all us true Americans? Yeah, not so harmless now, is it?

So, please, let's take "Yo Voté" off our voting stickers. I would like to understand the writing on my shirt (accept for the shirt that I bought in China, containing Chinese writing that almost certainly calls me a douche). And let's get Spanish out of our country. I'm with Lou Dobbs here, America is not a place for immigrants!

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The Danger of Vegetables

In the United States, spinach has been infected with the e coli virus.

Now you know why I don't eat vegetables... for my health!