I'm thrilled the Knicks traded for Chauncey Billups. This is a guy who understands what it takes to win basketball games. He knows that his ppg average is not the sole arbiter of a winning basketball team. Then there's Carmelo Anthony.
Even just one of three things would make me happier about the Knicks acquisition of Carmelo.
1) If he passed the fucking ball to the open man once in a while,
2) If he played a modicum of defense,
3) If he turned out to be a secret Jew like Amar'e.
In his first two games as a Knicks, Carmelo has shot 19-47 from the field for a 1950s-like 40.4%. In those two games, he has all of four assists. He's shooting 45% from the field this season. Wait, I thought he was a good post player, how is he shooting so poorly? Is it because he'd rather take a tough shot than pass to an open teammate with a better shooting percentage? Yes.
For now I'll take a wait and see approach. But there's been a lot of talk about whether or not pairing two superstars makes for a title-contending team. It depends on the players. LeBron doesn't mind deferring to Wade. Wade will pass to LeBron if he has to. When Carmelo was teamed with Iverson, neither wanted to pass to the other and the Nuggets never made it out of the first round with the duo.
If Carmelo learns to be unselfish, the Knicks will win. If not, my Mays will be a lot less nerve-wracking.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
I Hear Your Cry, My Children
Fellow citizens, I know you're upset. You say you are fed up with my tyrannical rule. You call me a dictator. You say I come up with arbitrary decrees and unilaterally force them upon the populace without regard to consequences. I can hear you, my people.
What you have failed to understand is that words hurt. Didn't your mothers ever tell you, if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all? If you keep saying not-nice things, maybe I will have to start teaching your mothers about manners.
Protests rage in Liberation Quadrilateral (that's what I get for hiring a cheap construction company). You may not see it, but I do; you are simply acting like rebellious teenagers. Though you might say otherwise, you love me as the benevolent decision-maker that I am. While I am a forgiving man, sometimes your children, even though you love them so much, need to be beaten by hired thugs on horses to get the picture. I understand and accept this.
Today's decrees
Those hired thugs on horses are simply shows of spontaneous support for my regime. I thank them in advance. And I ask for peace and unity.
My The Tiny Teal Book will be 20% off from now until Monday.
Everyone must clear Liberation Quadrilateral within 48 hours so that we can try to turn it into a Square; this is just embarrassing. Even Bahrain is making fun of us.
What you have failed to understand is that words hurt. Didn't your mothers ever tell you, if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all? If you keep saying not-nice things, maybe I will have to start teaching your mothers about manners.
Protests rage in Liberation Quadrilateral (that's what I get for hiring a cheap construction company). You may not see it, but I do; you are simply acting like rebellious teenagers. Though you might say otherwise, you love me as the benevolent decision-maker that I am. While I am a forgiving man, sometimes your children, even though you love them so much, need to be beaten by hired thugs on horses to get the picture. I understand and accept this.
Today's decrees
Those hired thugs on horses are simply shows of spontaneous support for my regime. I thank them in advance. And I ask for peace and unity.
My The Tiny Teal Book will be 20% off from now until Monday.
Everyone must clear Liberation Quadrilateral within 48 hours so that we can try to turn it into a Square; this is just embarrassing. Even Bahrain is making fun of us.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Recap of the 2011 Dunk Contest
My rule for the dunk contest is that if I can do it on an 8-foot hoop, it's not that impressive. I can jump halfway over the hood of a car, grab an 8-foot tall rim and swing over the rest of the hood. Thus, Blake Griffin's car dunk wasn't that impressive. I can do JaVale McGee's pitty pat double dunk after 12 tries. That one wasn't so inpressive either. Neither was his triple dunk.
Both men did have very impressive dunks though. The best dunk of the night was McGee's reverse windmill. He had to duck his head so it wouldn't hit the backboard while performing the reverse windmill at the same time. Griffin's spin dunk was incredible. I stood up when he first missed. But the initial miss didn't damper the make as was the case with virtually every other missed dunk performed last Saturday night. Though his elbow dunk was a rip off of Vince Carter's, I couldn't do it on an 8 foot hoop.
Serge Ibaka's free throw dunk was also nice. He's much taller than MJ and Dr. J, so it's less impressive that their free throw line dunks, but still, I can't do that on any size rim. I thought his teddy bear dunk was great, but he needed to make it on the first try for the skit to work. DeMar DeRozan was also there.
There needs to be a rule that if you make a dunk, that's it. If you're going for three and one goes in, your turn is over.
Both men did have very impressive dunks though. The best dunk of the night was McGee's reverse windmill. He had to duck his head so it wouldn't hit the backboard while performing the reverse windmill at the same time. Griffin's spin dunk was incredible. I stood up when he first missed. But the initial miss didn't damper the make as was the case with virtually every other missed dunk performed last Saturday night. Though his elbow dunk was a rip off of Vince Carter's, I couldn't do it on an 8 foot hoop.
Serge Ibaka's free throw dunk was also nice. He's much taller than MJ and Dr. J, so it's less impressive that their free throw line dunks, but still, I can't do that on any size rim. I thought his teddy bear dunk was great, but he needed to make it on the first try for the skit to work. DeMar DeRozan was also there.
There needs to be a rule that if you make a dunk, that's it. If you're going for three and one goes in, your turn is over.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
NBA Coaches Draft
Scores are based on career points per game in the NBA among current NBA coaches. Starters count x 1.5.
Mike
Doug Collins 17.9 (x 1.5) = 26.9
Scott Skiles 11.1 (x 1.5) = 16.7
Byron Scott 14.1 (x 1.5) = 21.2
Alvin Gentry 0 (x 1.5) = 0
Avery Johnson 8.4 (x 1.5) = 12.6
---
Tom Thibodeau 0
Kurt Rambis 5.2
Nate McMillan 5.9
George Karl 2.6
Flip Saunders 0
Raw score: 65.2
Final score: 91.1
David
Doc Rivers 10.9 (x 1.5) = 16.4
Paul Westphal 15.6 (x 1.5) = 23.4
Vinny Del Negro 9.1 (x 1.5) = 13.7
Paul Silas 9.4 (x 1.5) = 14.1
Rick Adelman 7.7 (x 1.5) = 11.6
---
Monty Williams 6.3
Larry Drew 11.4
Tyrone Corbin 9.2
Lionel Hollins 11.6
Keith Smart 1.0
Raw Score: 92.2
Final Score: 118.7
Mike
Doug Collins 17.9 (x 1.5) = 26.9
Scott Skiles 11.1 (x 1.5) = 16.7
Byron Scott 14.1 (x 1.5) = 21.2
Alvin Gentry 0 (x 1.5) = 0
Avery Johnson 8.4 (x 1.5) = 12.6
---
Tom Thibodeau 0
Kurt Rambis 5.2
Nate McMillan 5.9
George Karl 2.6
Flip Saunders 0
Raw score: 65.2
Final score: 91.1
David
Doc Rivers 10.9 (x 1.5) = 16.4
Paul Westphal 15.6 (x 1.5) = 23.4
Vinny Del Negro 9.1 (x 1.5) = 13.7
Paul Silas 9.4 (x 1.5) = 14.1
Rick Adelman 7.7 (x 1.5) = 11.6
---
Monty Williams 6.3
Larry Drew 11.4
Tyrone Corbin 9.2
Lionel Hollins 11.6
Keith Smart 1.0
Raw Score: 92.2
Final Score: 118.7
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Tshombe Witchcraft
I went searching for a speech by Moise Tshmobe, the former leader of secessionist Katanga region in the Democratic Republic of Congo and later prime minister, on YouTube because I was reading about him recently. Instead, I got one of the worst news reports I've ever seen in my life.
A journalist's job is to report on a subject and hopefully put it into context. This ABC News report on children accused of witchcraft in the Democratic Republic of Congo in May of 2009 fell far short of journalism.
The reporter doesn't put the belief in child witchcraft into perspective at all. Instead, he belittles the participants in the story. He moralizes. He chastizes the pastor for commiting "child abuse" whin the name of Jesus. The reporter asks, "You're wearing a picture of Jesus Christ on your robe here, do you think he'd approve of what you're doing?"
That question angered me like none other. A little "child abuse" is nothing compared to the what has been done in Jesus's name throughout history. Yet, the reporter believes he has the right to decide what is and is not appropriate to carry out in Jesus's name. That is not a reporter's job. it also shows a cultural arrogance and general ignorance on the reporter's part.
A journalist's job is to report on a subject and hopefully put it into context. This ABC News report on children accused of witchcraft in the Democratic Republic of Congo in May of 2009 fell far short of journalism.
The reporter doesn't put the belief in child witchcraft into perspective at all. Instead, he belittles the participants in the story. He moralizes. He chastizes the pastor for commiting "child abuse" whin the name of Jesus. The reporter asks, "You're wearing a picture of Jesus Christ on your robe here, do you think he'd approve of what you're doing?"
That question angered me like none other. A little "child abuse" is nothing compared to the what has been done in Jesus's name throughout history. Yet, the reporter believes he has the right to decide what is and is not appropriate to carry out in Jesus's name. That is not a reporter's job. it also shows a cultural arrogance and general ignorance on the reporter's part.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Single Mothers
I'm glad that Americans are coming to accept same sex parents, but what is this bullshit about single motherhood still being rejected by most Americans? America is filled with a bunch of sexist assholes.
It's true that single mothers tend to head lower income households. That might be because women are paid less than men for doing the same job. It doesn't help that women's ability to rise up the ranks is also often stunted by the ever-present glass ceiling.
There is nothing wrong with being raised by a single mother as my brother and I anecdotally show. The issue is class. my brother and I were raised in a middle class single mother household. We are both college educated and have never been in trouble. Our jobs involve helping people. Whether in a single mother household or one that has two parents, kids that grow up in lower income environments are more at risk to be in trouble and have less chance of graduating from college.
There is nothing fundamentally better about having a father than not having a father. What if the father is a bad guy? His presence will likely have a destructive effect on the children. In that case, a single mother is a better option than two parents. That wasn't the case for me, my dad was a good guy, but I'm still not convinced that being raised by two parents would have impacted my life in a more positive way than being raised by a single mother.
So America needs to shove their sexist preconceptions of single motherhood right up their assholes.
It's true that single mothers tend to head lower income households. That might be because women are paid less than men for doing the same job. It doesn't help that women's ability to rise up the ranks is also often stunted by the ever-present glass ceiling.
There is nothing wrong with being raised by a single mother as my brother and I anecdotally show. The issue is class. my brother and I were raised in a middle class single mother household. We are both college educated and have never been in trouble. Our jobs involve helping people. Whether in a single mother household or one that has two parents, kids that grow up in lower income environments are more at risk to be in trouble and have less chance of graduating from college.
There is nothing fundamentally better about having a father than not having a father. What if the father is a bad guy? His presence will likely have a destructive effect on the children. In that case, a single mother is a better option than two parents. That wasn't the case for me, my dad was a good guy, but I'm still not convinced that being raised by two parents would have impacted my life in a more positive way than being raised by a single mother.
So America needs to shove their sexist preconceptions of single motherhood right up their assholes.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
My Vision
I can see it. Throngs of peaceful protestors flood Tahrir Square in the heart of Baghdad. Saddam Hussein is trying everything to desperately cling on to power: American teargas, hired thugs, speeches filled with promises. But the spirit and the determination of the Iraqi protestors will not be broken.
Think of all the lives that would not have been lost.
Think of all the lives that would not have been lost.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
My Zayde
I've gotten a chance to spend more time with my zayde since my father died. My momala reluctantly allows me to go with him while he's on business. I'm not sure what he does, but I know he's important. My friends at school sometimes say he's scary and there are kids at school who stay away from me because of him. But, if people are respectful to my zayde, he's respectful to them. He tells me, "Avrum, you should always be respectful."
Last week, I went on a trip with my zayde while he was on business. He met a tall skinny man with glasses. The man's face was very wrinkly and he kept rubbing his hands. Sweat dripped down his face. He spoke, "Mr. Goldstein, it is a pleasure to finally meet with you." My zayde laughed, "You don't know that yet, Mr. Braumowitz. Now what has brought you here to see me today?" My zayde's face made it seem like he already knew the answer. But he sat back in his chair and waited for Mr. Braumowitz to speak.
"Well Mr. Goldstein, sir, my wife is very sick. It's her liver." Mr. Braumowitz tried not to cry. My zayde lit a cigarette and stared towards the ceiling. "It's failing. Something must be done soon or I will lose her. I cannot go on without her, you see. Do you think you can help, Mr. Goldstein?"
My zayde took another puff from his cigarette. The smoke drifted into my face, even though I was sitting behind my zayde and to his right. I coughed. He turned and rubbed behind my head. "My business is to help, Mr. Braumowitz. An arrangement I believe we can strike." Mr. Braumowitz's face showed a huge smile. "Oh thank you so much. You truly are a mensch, Mr. Goldstein." He kissed my zayde's hand. "You don't know that yet, Mr. Braumowitz. But I think we can make a deal. We'll come to you. Good day."
That was a very different scene than the trip I went on a month ago. That man was not so nice to my zayde. He called my zayde a crook. That man said my zayde played with human lives like a Nazi. My zayde didn't like that much,"I try to help you and you talk back to me! You think you're a bad man? You're not a bad man. I'm a bad man!" Then, my zayde smacked the man, who didn't seem so old. Two of my zayde's friends dragged the man out of the room while he was screaming and kicking.
I asked my zayde if he was a bad man. My zayde said that he wasn't. I told him, "But you told that mean man that you were a bad man." My zayde picked me up. "Avrum, my puchkala, I'm not a bad man. I like to help people. But if I'm trying to help someone and they show disrespect, then I am a bad man." That made sense to me. I asked him why people would not be nice if he was trying to help them. "Because Avrum, people don't appreciate. Always be appreciative."
My zayde had to be a bad man on another occasion. It was in October, I think. Another man who didn't look old was not being nice to my zayde. He didn't give my zayde what he owed him. My zayde didn't like that. He whispered to the man, "Fuck you. Fuck your family. Fuck everyone you've ever talked to." My zayde thought for a second and said, "Besides me," as he smacked the mean man in the face. The man fell. Then, my zayde's two friends stomped on the mean man until he didn't move anymore. They picked him up and carried him away.
I love my zayde. I hope I can go on more trips with him. But I hope he doesn't have to be a bad man anymore. I hope people are more respectful and appreciative that my zayde is trying to help them.
Last week, I went on a trip with my zayde while he was on business. He met a tall skinny man with glasses. The man's face was very wrinkly and he kept rubbing his hands. Sweat dripped down his face. He spoke, "Mr. Goldstein, it is a pleasure to finally meet with you." My zayde laughed, "You don't know that yet, Mr. Braumowitz. Now what has brought you here to see me today?" My zayde's face made it seem like he already knew the answer. But he sat back in his chair and waited for Mr. Braumowitz to speak.
"Well Mr. Goldstein, sir, my wife is very sick. It's her liver." Mr. Braumowitz tried not to cry. My zayde lit a cigarette and stared towards the ceiling. "It's failing. Something must be done soon or I will lose her. I cannot go on without her, you see. Do you think you can help, Mr. Goldstein?"
My zayde took another puff from his cigarette. The smoke drifted into my face, even though I was sitting behind my zayde and to his right. I coughed. He turned and rubbed behind my head. "My business is to help, Mr. Braumowitz. An arrangement I believe we can strike." Mr. Braumowitz's face showed a huge smile. "Oh thank you so much. You truly are a mensch, Mr. Goldstein." He kissed my zayde's hand. "You don't know that yet, Mr. Braumowitz. But I think we can make a deal. We'll come to you. Good day."
That was a very different scene than the trip I went on a month ago. That man was not so nice to my zayde. He called my zayde a crook. That man said my zayde played with human lives like a Nazi. My zayde didn't like that much,"I try to help you and you talk back to me! You think you're a bad man? You're not a bad man. I'm a bad man!" Then, my zayde smacked the man, who didn't seem so old. Two of my zayde's friends dragged the man out of the room while he was screaming and kicking.
I asked my zayde if he was a bad man. My zayde said that he wasn't. I told him, "But you told that mean man that you were a bad man." My zayde picked me up. "Avrum, my puchkala, I'm not a bad man. I like to help people. But if I'm trying to help someone and they show disrespect, then I am a bad man." That made sense to me. I asked him why people would not be nice if he was trying to help them. "Because Avrum, people don't appreciate. Always be appreciative."
My zayde had to be a bad man on another occasion. It was in October, I think. Another man who didn't look old was not being nice to my zayde. He didn't give my zayde what he owed him. My zayde didn't like that. He whispered to the man, "Fuck you. Fuck your family. Fuck everyone you've ever talked to." My zayde thought for a second and said, "Besides me," as he smacked the mean man in the face. The man fell. Then, my zayde's two friends stomped on the mean man until he didn't move anymore. They picked him up and carried him away.
I love my zayde. I hope I can go on more trips with him. But I hope he doesn't have to be a bad man anymore. I hope people are more respectful and appreciative that my zayde is trying to help them.
Friday, February 11, 2011
My CL Scandal with a Congressperson
I had my own scandal when a congressperson answered my Craigslist personal ad.
To: HarazQuack@juno.com
From: LookingToTheRight@gmail.com
Date: Friday, January 14, 2011, 2:41 PM
Subject: Will Someone Prove To Me Not All CL Women Look Like Toads - 29 (DMV)
Hi,
Hope I'm not a toad. :) i'm a very fit fun classy gal. Live in Cap Hill area. 38-24-37. 49 yrs.. Lobbyist. I promise not to disappoint.
To: LookingToTheRight@gmail.com
From: HarazQuack@juno.com
Date: Friday, January 14, 2011 9:57PM
Hot pic. Are you sure that's not a photo from a Jcpenney ad?
To: HarazQuack@juno.com
From: LookingToTheRight@gmail.com
Lol…no…Here.. I just took one..i'm relaxing at home. Hope you like it.
To: LookingToTheRight@gmail.com
From: HarazQuack@juno.com
Holy shit! Thanks! So do you always send shirtless pics to men from cl?
After a few more email exhanges where the woman told me that she was "divorced with five children," I decided to do a Google search for the woman, named "Michele Bachmann."
Turns out she lied about her age, occupation, and marital status. But I'm keeping that glorious topless photo for myself!
To: HarazQuack@juno.com
From: LookingToTheRight@gmail.com
Date: Friday, January 14, 2011, 2:41 PM
Subject: Will Someone Prove To Me Not All CL Women Look Like Toads - 29 (DMV)
Hi,
Hope I'm not a toad. :) i'm a very fit fun classy gal. Live in Cap Hill area. 38-24-37. 49 yrs.. Lobbyist. I promise not to disappoint.
To: LookingToTheRight@gmail.com
From: HarazQuack@juno.com
Date: Friday, January 14, 2011 9:57PM
Hot pic. Are you sure that's not a photo from a Jcpenney ad?
To: HarazQuack@juno.com
From: LookingToTheRight@gmail.com
Lol…no…Here.. I just took one..i'm relaxing at home. Hope you like it.
To: LookingToTheRight@gmail.com
From: HarazQuack@juno.com
Holy shit! Thanks! So do you always send shirtless pics to men from cl?
After a few more email exhanges where the woman told me that she was "divorced with five children," I decided to do a Google search for the woman, named "Michele Bachmann."
Turns out she lied about her age, occupation, and marital status. But I'm keeping that glorious topless photo for myself!
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