I hate small talk. I hate talking to people I don't know. But what I hate most is making small talk with people I don't know. Here are my thoughts during a particular encounter with a large friendly middle-aged barber.
"As nice as it is today, I heard it might snow tomorrow."
(FUCK! I paid for a haircut, not a damn chit chat party.)
"Did you watch the Super Bowl?"
(The Super Bowl? That was like three weeks ago! "Hey'd you see the moon landing?")
"What line of work are you in?"
(I wonder if he think it'd be funny if I asked him the same thing.)
"Did you have off for President's Day?"
(This guy doesn't take a hint, does he? How many one-word answers does he need?)
"Mmm, look at that!"
"She's cute."
"Is that short enough or should I take more off the front?"
(Dammit! Enough with the questions already.)
Friday, February 20, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Men Should Be Equal Too
You always hear about women's rights and the fight for women's equality. Every nation at least pays lip service to the idea of improving the lives of women. Well, what about men's equality? My nation will make sure men are treated equally and have the same rights as women.
Today's decrees
I hereby decree that men will not be forced, under law, to carry the burden and guilt of making more money for doing the same job as women. Women have burdened and guilt us enough.
Women will no longer be allowed to hog the housework and child-rearing, you rearing hogs.
Men have always been forced to stay in a man's sphere. There is a stigma if they leave this sphere and that is unfair. A man should be allowed to enter a women's sphere if he so desires without obtaining a stigma. Men are hereby allowed, no, required to bake cookies. Especially if they have sprinkles.
The health of both men and women is very important. Women are required to check men to make sure they don't have testicular cancer, prostate issues, or what I like to call lonely member disease. Men are required to perform a mammogram on women, with their hands, mouths, etc. A healthy nation is a happy nation.
It has always been that women can take off from work without consequence for "women's issues" if they are not so fresh in a certain area. Men should be able to take off work without consequence for "men's issues" such as getting one's finger stuck in one's penis hole.
In society, men are forced to initiate an interaction with women. That sets a man up for painful rejection. From now on, women are required to look a man up and down and then say, "Hey baby, come over to my house for lunch. And don't forget to bring your meat," while mockingly grabbing their own genitalia, at least once a week. Just to even things out.
Today's decrees
I hereby decree that men will not be forced, under law, to carry the burden and guilt of making more money for doing the same job as women. Women have burdened and guilt us enough.
Women will no longer be allowed to hog the housework and child-rearing, you rearing hogs.
Men have always been forced to stay in a man's sphere. There is a stigma if they leave this sphere and that is unfair. A man should be allowed to enter a women's sphere if he so desires without obtaining a stigma. Men are hereby allowed, no, required to bake cookies. Especially if they have sprinkles.
The health of both men and women is very important. Women are required to check men to make sure they don't have testicular cancer, prostate issues, or what I like to call lonely member disease. Men are required to perform a mammogram on women, with their hands, mouths, etc. A healthy nation is a happy nation.
It has always been that women can take off from work without consequence for "women's issues" if they are not so fresh in a certain area. Men should be able to take off work without consequence for "men's issues" such as getting one's finger stuck in one's penis hole.
In society, men are forced to initiate an interaction with women. That sets a man up for painful rejection. From now on, women are required to look a man up and down and then say, "Hey baby, come over to my house for lunch. And don't forget to bring your meat," while mockingly grabbing their own genitalia, at least once a week. Just to even things out.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
A Helpful List for the Gentiles
I know that many gentiles don't know much about Jews. There are a lot of misunderstandings. So, I've provided a helpful list of things not to do or say to Jews because it would be culturally insensitive.
-Don't spray paint swastikas on their houses.
-Don't spray paint swastikas and the word "kike" on their cars.
-If you see a Jew wearing a yarmulke as he drives his car, don't take a picture of him like he's an animal in a fucking zoo.
-If you're a teacher/professor and a Jewish student says, "I won't be here for the test because it's Yom Kippur. When can I take the makeup?" Don't threaten to fail your student if they don't show up.
-Don't throw pennies at your Jewish friends.
-Don't blow out a Yahrzeit candle symbolizing the spirit of a Jew's dead grandmother.
-Don't tell them that the Jews control the media.
-Don't replace the word "you" with the word "Jew" when you are talking to a Jewish person.
-Don't tell them that all the Jews who worked in the World Trade Center received secret calls not to go to work on the morning of 9/11/01.
Now that you're armed with this information, you should be able to interact with a Jewish person without being culturally insensitive.
-Don't spray paint swastikas on their houses.
-Don't spray paint swastikas and the word "kike" on their cars.
-If you see a Jew wearing a yarmulke as he drives his car, don't take a picture of him like he's an animal in a fucking zoo.
-If you're a teacher/professor and a Jewish student says, "I won't be here for the test because it's Yom Kippur. When can I take the makeup?" Don't threaten to fail your student if they don't show up.
-Don't throw pennies at your Jewish friends.
-Don't blow out a Yahrzeit candle symbolizing the spirit of a Jew's dead grandmother.
-Don't tell them that the Jews control the media.
-Don't replace the word "you" with the word "Jew" when you are talking to a Jewish person.
-Don't tell them that all the Jews who worked in the World Trade Center received secret calls not to go to work on the morning of 9/11/01.
Now that you're armed with this information, you should be able to interact with a Jewish person without being culturally insensitive.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Evil Leaders League, Week 4
I went to get my car serviced and they asked me, "Do you know that your engine light is on?" I said that I did. And that was the end of that, which I took to mean that sometimes the light comes on for no particular reason and it wasn't a big deal. When I got back to Baltimore, the car was struggling a tad and smelled a little funny. Now, I'm terrified that my engine will fail at the worst possible moment (which is any moment really). I certainly did not need this now. What I do need is to get the results for this week in the ELL.
Nazarbayev vs Chavez
Nursultan Nazarbayev runs a country called Kazakhstan. Shares of Kazakhstan's state bank have plummeted, which means that Kazakhstan is a country in the world in 2009. There's nothing evil about participating in the global economic meltdown. Nazarbayev proposes to solve the crisis by doing away with money as a form of currency and instead suggests that people with the longest and most unpronounceable names will become the most powerful. Personally, I love the idea. Hugo Chavez is the President of Venezuela. Get used to that sentence as the country has voted to abolish presidential term limits. Venezuelan citizens saw what a beautifully burgeoning society a dictatorship has created in North Korea, Burma, Belarus, and many other places ruled by leaders who have been in this league, and they want in.
To view the winners of each contest, go to the official ELL site.
al-Assad vs Kim
Bashar al-Assad leads Syria. He and Saudi King Abdullah Bin Abdul Aziz Rodriguez Vazquez Papenski held hands in celebration of the new found relationship their two nations share and not because they're gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Saudi Arabia is a U.S. ally so this means that al-Assad is friends with our friends. If the enemy of my enemy is my friend, then what is the friend of my friend? Kim Jong-Il, who is the ruler of North Korea, just turned 67 years old and he doesn't look a day over someone who died five years ago. I'm curious to see if North Korea's test of weapons of mass destruction will work. It's a little like my curiosity about whether or not I'll be successful in life; I know the answer and it's not good for either one of us.
al-Bashir vs Khamenei
Omar al-Bashir has a map in his office of the country he runs, Sudan. The western and southern parts are cut off. The ICC has decided to issue a warrant for his arrest on charges of genocide. It's about time! Michael Vick languishes away in prison while this guy... never mind, this isn't the Soapbox Leaders League. Maybe people are right, a dozen dogs are more important than hundreds of thousands of black Africans. Omar al-Bashir certainly thinks so. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is the Ayatollah of Iran. If you think about it, "Ayatollah" sounds like a racist stereotype of a Native American chant. All Khamenei thinks about is the late Ayatollah Khomeini... nude.
Shwe vs Bongo
It's like Than Shwe has two wives, one is Burma, a country that he leads, and the other is Myanmar, a country that he leads. Than Shwe called Kim Jong-Il on his birthday and they talked about old times, like the slumber parties they used to have. The parties usually involved putting dissidents into an eternal slumber. They talked about what they're up to now. One is a dictator of an impoverished Asian nation and, well, so is the other. Dude, what a coincidence! And of course, they talked about their favorite subject, boys. Omar Bongo grooved his way to the top of the charts in Gabon in 1968, which is another way to say that he has ruled the country since before Madonna was fucking things. When Bongo rose to power, he believed in equality, justice and progress, but now he just hires people to tickle with a feather because it passes the time until he dies.
standings: Check the ELL site
Nazarbayev vs Chavez
Nursultan Nazarbayev runs a country called Kazakhstan. Shares of Kazakhstan's state bank have plummeted, which means that Kazakhstan is a country in the world in 2009. There's nothing evil about participating in the global economic meltdown. Nazarbayev proposes to solve the crisis by doing away with money as a form of currency and instead suggests that people with the longest and most unpronounceable names will become the most powerful. Personally, I love the idea. Hugo Chavez is the President of Venezuela. Get used to that sentence as the country has voted to abolish presidential term limits. Venezuelan citizens saw what a beautifully burgeoning society a dictatorship has created in North Korea, Burma, Belarus, and many other places ruled by leaders who have been in this league, and they want in.
To view the winners of each contest, go to the official ELL site.
al-Assad vs Kim
Bashar al-Assad leads Syria. He and Saudi King Abdullah Bin Abdul Aziz Rodriguez Vazquez Papenski held hands in celebration of the new found relationship their two nations share and not because they're gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Saudi Arabia is a U.S. ally so this means that al-Assad is friends with our friends. If the enemy of my enemy is my friend, then what is the friend of my friend? Kim Jong-Il, who is the ruler of North Korea, just turned 67 years old and he doesn't look a day over someone who died five years ago. I'm curious to see if North Korea's test of weapons of mass destruction will work. It's a little like my curiosity about whether or not I'll be successful in life; I know the answer and it's not good for either one of us.
al-Bashir vs Khamenei
Omar al-Bashir has a map in his office of the country he runs, Sudan. The western and southern parts are cut off. The ICC has decided to issue a warrant for his arrest on charges of genocide. It's about time! Michael Vick languishes away in prison while this guy... never mind, this isn't the Soapbox Leaders League. Maybe people are right, a dozen dogs are more important than hundreds of thousands of black Africans. Omar al-Bashir certainly thinks so. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is the Ayatollah of Iran. If you think about it, "Ayatollah" sounds like a racist stereotype of a Native American chant. All Khamenei thinks about is the late Ayatollah Khomeini... nude.
Shwe vs Bongo
It's like Than Shwe has two wives, one is Burma, a country that he leads, and the other is Myanmar, a country that he leads. Than Shwe called Kim Jong-Il on his birthday and they talked about old times, like the slumber parties they used to have. The parties usually involved putting dissidents into an eternal slumber. They talked about what they're up to now. One is a dictator of an impoverished Asian nation and, well, so is the other. Dude, what a coincidence! And of course, they talked about their favorite subject, boys. Omar Bongo grooved his way to the top of the charts in Gabon in 1968, which is another way to say that he has ruled the country since before Madonna was fucking things. When Bongo rose to power, he believed in equality, justice and progress, but now he just hires people to tickle with a feather because it passes the time until he dies.
standings: Check the ELL site
Monday, February 16, 2009
In the Desert for Forty Years
I was driving to work and I noticed that my hands were very dry and ashy. I wondered how we made it in the desert for forty years without any lotion. Then I wondered if, throughout history, we've always compared things to wandering the desert for forty years. Did someone mention that in Birkenau?
The inmate says, "Hey, let's look on the bright side. At least we're not stranded in the desert for forty years."
"Shut the hell up Moshe; this is pretty bad."
The inmate says, "Hey, let's look on the bright side. At least we're not stranded in the desert for forty years."
"Shut the hell up Moshe; this is pretty bad."
Sunday, February 15, 2009
2009 All Star Game Recap
This one wasn't much of a game. The East sprinted out to a quick start. Then the West game back in the first quarter and the game was over. I was surprised by the lack of effort out there. I truly enjoy watching all the magnificent plays in an All Star Game, but it's much more satisfying if it's done in a competitive atmosphere and within the rules. This game lacked the usually competitive edge that at least is displayed in the fourth quarter of most All Star Games.
As you might have guessed, there were a few things that irked me. It's terrible that that plane crashed and those people died. Why was there a moment of silence for them at the All Star Game? There was no relevance. But it sure did put a damper on the sport's night of celebration. I can't stand all of the pre-game pageantry. Just introduce the teams, let the players run out and get it over with. Shaq is a good dancer; maybe he should be on Dancing with the Stars. I don't really know, I don't watch dancing shows, I watch basketball.
They should not sign the national anthem(s) before sporting events. It makes no sense. It's a sport, what does it have to do with country? Co-MVPs is stupid and unbecoming of the game of basketball. Kobe was the MVP, end of story. The one thing I did like was Shaq's pass through the legs of Dwight Howard to Chris Paul and then Shaq cut to complete the give-and-go. So, it wasn't all terrible.
As you might have guessed, there were a few things that irked me. It's terrible that that plane crashed and those people died. Why was there a moment of silence for them at the All Star Game? There was no relevance. But it sure did put a damper on the sport's night of celebration. I can't stand all of the pre-game pageantry. Just introduce the teams, let the players run out and get it over with. Shaq is a good dancer; maybe he should be on Dancing with the Stars. I don't really know, I don't watch dancing shows, I watch basketball.
They should not sign the national anthem(s) before sporting events. It makes no sense. It's a sport, what does it have to do with country? Co-MVPs is stupid and unbecoming of the game of basketball. Kobe was the MVP, end of story. The one thing I did like was Shaq's pass through the legs of Dwight Howard to Chris Paul and then Shaq cut to complete the give-and-go. So, it wasn't all terrible.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
2009 All Star Saturday Recap
Derrick Rose won the Skills Challenge. Daeqaun Cook won the Three Point Contest.
Nate Robinson pulled out the Slam Dunk Contest. Draped in green, Robinson showed that Superman is not the only person who can run faster than a speeding bullet and then leap over tall buildings. Nate took off flying through the air, spread his leads to avoid the head of the nearly 7-foot tall Dwight Howard, who was adorning a Superman cape, and continued to fly until he jammed home the green ball. It was a performance that will enter the Dunk Contest's annual highlight reel.
Dwight Howard had a particularly impressive dunk in the finals. The giant threw the ball off of the side of the backboard, caught it with one hand outside of the paint, and threw it through the hole with the force of a Category 2 hurricane.
Howard's other three dunks were overrated. His first dunk, throwing it from behind the basket and completing a nice twisting two-handed windmill slam, was at the same level as the other three competitors' first dunks. Yet, Howard inexplicably received a 50. Rudy Fernandez's second dunk, though it took far too long to complete, was quite remarkable. Pau Gasol threw the ball off of the back of the backboard and Fernandez caught it behind the basket and stuffed it one-handed on the other side of the rim. J.R. Smith's most exciting dunk was a variation of the "Spud Webb" except he dunked it off of two bounces.
Howard dunked on a 12-foot hoop, which was a nice accomplishment. But think, if he and Nate Robinson stick their hands up, there is roughly a 2-foot difference between the two. Howard's 12-foot dunk begins to look a tad pedestrian, but only in comparison to Nate the Great's exploits. From a similar distance away from the rim, Nate showed his array of two-handed reverse windmill dunks. Howard finished the competition with another good dunk, taking off from just inside the free throw line, but one that summed up his outing. It was an above average dunk, but not legendary. And not at the caliber of Robinson's showing. For the second year, all is right with the world. Nate Robinson has won the Slam Dunk Contest.
Nate Robinson pulled out the Slam Dunk Contest. Draped in green, Robinson showed that Superman is not the only person who can run faster than a speeding bullet and then leap over tall buildings. Nate took off flying through the air, spread his leads to avoid the head of the nearly 7-foot tall Dwight Howard, who was adorning a Superman cape, and continued to fly until he jammed home the green ball. It was a performance that will enter the Dunk Contest's annual highlight reel.
Dwight Howard had a particularly impressive dunk in the finals. The giant threw the ball off of the side of the backboard, caught it with one hand outside of the paint, and threw it through the hole with the force of a Category 2 hurricane.
Howard's other three dunks were overrated. His first dunk, throwing it from behind the basket and completing a nice twisting two-handed windmill slam, was at the same level as the other three competitors' first dunks. Yet, Howard inexplicably received a 50. Rudy Fernandez's second dunk, though it took far too long to complete, was quite remarkable. Pau Gasol threw the ball off of the back of the backboard and Fernandez caught it behind the basket and stuffed it one-handed on the other side of the rim. J.R. Smith's most exciting dunk was a variation of the "Spud Webb" except he dunked it off of two bounces.
Howard dunked on a 12-foot hoop, which was a nice accomplishment. But think, if he and Nate Robinson stick their hands up, there is roughly a 2-foot difference between the two. Howard's 12-foot dunk begins to look a tad pedestrian, but only in comparison to Nate the Great's exploits. From a similar distance away from the rim, Nate showed his array of two-handed reverse windmill dunks. Howard finished the competition with another good dunk, taking off from just inside the free throw line, but one that summed up his outing. It was an above average dunk, but not legendary. And not at the caliber of Robinson's showing. For the second year, all is right with the world. Nate Robinson has won the Slam Dunk Contest.
Friday, February 13, 2009
2009 All Star Saturday Predictions
Predicted winners in bold
Skills Challenge
Devin Harris, Tony Parker, Derrick Rose, Mo Williams.
Three Point Contest
Mike Bibby, Daequan Cook, Danny Granger, Jason Kapono, Rashard Lewis, Roger Mason.
Slam Dunk Contest
Dwight Howard, Rudy Fernandez, Nate Robinson, J. R. Smith.
I just think Harris is quicker, but I don't really have a read on that one. Big guys usually win the Three Point Contest and Kapono is the best shooting forward on the list. You know my man Nate is gonna do it again. Forget Howard and his fake ass throw it in the basket junk. The guy is so tall he can place the ball in, he shouldn't even be in the contest.
Skills Challenge
Devin Harris, Tony Parker, Derrick Rose, Mo Williams.
Three Point Contest
Mike Bibby, Daequan Cook, Danny Granger, Jason Kapono, Rashard Lewis, Roger Mason.
Slam Dunk Contest
Dwight Howard, Rudy Fernandez, Nate Robinson, J. R. Smith.
I just think Harris is quicker, but I don't really have a read on that one. Big guys usually win the Three Point Contest and Kapono is the best shooting forward on the list. You know my man Nate is gonna do it again. Forget Howard and his fake ass throw it in the basket junk. The guy is so tall he can place the ball in, he shouldn't even be in the contest.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Two For Tanzania
Tanzania is a federation of mainland Tanzania, known as Tanganyika during colonialism, and the islands of Zanzibar. In order to coax Zanzibar into the federation and to keep the islands as part of Tanzania, the country possesses two governments. One is a Zanzibari government and the other is a Union government. It might seem as if this system favors Zanzibar, but the population on the islands is a scant fraction of that on the mainland, so Zanzibaris have little say in the Union government. Originally, during the last throes of the independence movement, there was hope for a federation that also would have also included Kenya and Uganda- the reasons for its failure will not be discussed here.
The predominant political party on the mainland aimed at liberation was TANU, led by Julius Nyerere. Nyerere eventually became the president of a federated Tanzania and TANU oversaw a one-party state until the 1990s. In 1967, Nyerere issued the Arusha Declaration, which declared that Tanzania was a socialist nation. Nyerere stepped down as president and peacefully transferred power to Ali Hassan Mwinyi in 1985.
Zanzibar's history is interestingly distinct from that of the mainland. Unlike the religious pluralism of the mainland, Zanzibar is almost completely Muslim. The islands had a powerful Arab minority represented by a coalition of the ZNP (Zanzibar Nationalist Party) and the ZPPP (Zanzibar and Pemba People's Party). Before British colonialism, Zanzibar was part of the Omani Sultanate. Black Africans divided themselves into two groups, mainlanders, which represented a minority of the black population in Zanzibar and another groups known as Shirazis. Shirazis adopted a Persian ethno-history to create a distinction between themselves and Africans who arrived on the islands more recently. Together, they formed the Afro-Shirazi Party (ASP), which ruled Zanzibar following the Zanzibari Revolution in 1964. When Zanzibar gained independence, the British turned over the territory to Arabs, to the resentment of the Africans.
In 1977, TANU and ASP merged to create Chama Cha Mapinduzi (CCM), which has ruled both governments ever since. The brief history of Tanzanian multi-party politics consists of CCM domination. It's most significant competition for its position in the Union government occurred in the election 0f 1995, when NCCR-Mageuzi mustered a respectable showing, despite the proliferation of numerous opposition parties. But the party lost nearly all of its support due to personality clashes. Now, the main opposition party is the CUF (Civic United Front). Since the onset of multi-party democracy, CUF has given CCM a significant challenge in Zanzibari elections.
The president of Tanzania is Jakaya Kikwete of the CCM, who was elected to his first term in 2005. He recently finished a term as the head of the African Union. (International Affairs Edition)
The predominant political party on the mainland aimed at liberation was TANU, led by Julius Nyerere. Nyerere eventually became the president of a federated Tanzania and TANU oversaw a one-party state until the 1990s. In 1967, Nyerere issued the Arusha Declaration, which declared that Tanzania was a socialist nation. Nyerere stepped down as president and peacefully transferred power to Ali Hassan Mwinyi in 1985.
Zanzibar's history is interestingly distinct from that of the mainland. Unlike the religious pluralism of the mainland, Zanzibar is almost completely Muslim. The islands had a powerful Arab minority represented by a coalition of the ZNP (Zanzibar Nationalist Party) and the ZPPP (Zanzibar and Pemba People's Party). Before British colonialism, Zanzibar was part of the Omani Sultanate. Black Africans divided themselves into two groups, mainlanders, which represented a minority of the black population in Zanzibar and another groups known as Shirazis. Shirazis adopted a Persian ethno-history to create a distinction between themselves and Africans who arrived on the islands more recently. Together, they formed the Afro-Shirazi Party (ASP), which ruled Zanzibar following the Zanzibari Revolution in 1964. When Zanzibar gained independence, the British turned over the territory to Arabs, to the resentment of the Africans.
In 1977, TANU and ASP merged to create Chama Cha Mapinduzi (CCM), which has ruled both governments ever since. The brief history of Tanzanian multi-party politics consists of CCM domination. It's most significant competition for its position in the Union government occurred in the election 0f 1995, when NCCR-Mageuzi mustered a respectable showing, despite the proliferation of numerous opposition parties. But the party lost nearly all of its support due to personality clashes. Now, the main opposition party is the CUF (Civic United Front). Since the onset of multi-party democracy, CUF has given CCM a significant challenge in Zanzibari elections.
The president of Tanzania is Jakaya Kikwete of the CCM, who was elected to his first term in 2005. He recently finished a term as the head of the African Union. (International Affairs Edition)
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
My Day
Today I learned that three of my top fantasy basketball players are out for the season. Jameer Nelson, Elton Brand, and Al Jefferson have all played their last game this season most likely. They are my top two picks in the draft and my top guard. I was on the cusp of the playoffs, but now...
I left for work early because I had to go to the bank first. The Baltimore beltway was jam packed, so I was late. I get paid per hour, so that's bad. Particularly because I lost one source of income this week for the time being. Every time I changed to lane that was zooming by, the lane would stop short and the lane I used to be in would take off. It happened to a comical degree.
My time at work was filled with smart ass kids making fun of me. I have feelings too! I am a man. I feel. I bleed. I pass gas at inopportune times. I'm human.
Either I did something really bad and I'm paying for it or I'm in store for something really good. I think we all know which it is.
I left for work early because I had to go to the bank first. The Baltimore beltway was jam packed, so I was late. I get paid per hour, so that's bad. Particularly because I lost one source of income this week for the time being. Every time I changed to lane that was zooming by, the lane would stop short and the lane I used to be in would take off. It happened to a comical degree.
My time at work was filled with smart ass kids making fun of me. I have feelings too! I am a man. I feel. I bleed. I pass gas at inopportune times. I'm human.
Either I did something really bad and I'm paying for it or I'm in store for something really good. I think we all know which it is.
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