The Threat

I have decided to release an important intelligence report to my faithful citizens. This comes in the spirit of openness that my administration has always strived to undertake. Of course, some parts of the report must be omitted for security's sake. My citizens, we must be vigilant. The world is dangerous. Put your trust in me.

The Report
On Friday September 10, a meeting was held at the [.......................................................... ]. The major figures who attended were [.......................................] and [..........................]. Their main purpose was to [.......................................................................................] for the destruction the government and thereby, the nation. This is [...] a very real threat that citizens should take seriously. [............................................................................................... ................................................................................................................................. ........................................................................................................................]. We urge the president to take action [.................................................................. ...............................].

Today's decrees
Those who threaten the national security of our nation will be severely punished.

Any and all people who attempt to subvert the benevolent government will face consequences and repercussions.

The persons named in the report will be dealt with in an appropriate manner.

Being a Nats Fan

As a Nats fan, I'm not upset at the franchise's failure to produce a winning season in its six year history. I'm not yet disgusted with all of the last place finishes (five) or the two straight years with baseball's worst record.

My optimism that has driven me in past seasons has waned. Hot prospects will inevitably fade, unless their name is Ryan Zimmerman. The team's best players will get injured. It's going to be a slow process to the top. I'm ok with that for now.

I view the team like as if it's a little kid. There will be a lot of glue-eating and nose-picking in the short term. I can accept that. It doesn't necessarily mean that the franchise won't eventually become the next Einstein. It obviously doesn't guarantee it will either.

The Bills are 0-3

It's probably not a good sign when your team scores 30 points (nearly twice as much as they've scored for the entire season up until this point), loses by 8, and falls to 0-3, yet you feel pretty good about their last performance. I mean 30 points in New England, that's almost like a win. It's just too bad the Bills gave up 38. Ryan Fitzpatrick was the short term solution, but maybe his "spark" was wasted on a game that the Bills defense lost. Whatever the case, I reiterate my earlier statement.

Jesus Fries

In America, Jesus is not like french fries. If you order a meal, you're then asked if you want fries with that, but if someone asks if you want a blessing, it will always come with a side of Jesus.

The Recession is Over!

According to non-partisan (I refuse to use the term "objective") economists, the recession has been over since June 2009. In one sense, it's great news. In another sense, it begs the question, if the recession is over, why have I been eating Ramen noodles for the past year and a quarter?

Where is Doug Fischer?

Respected writer for the Ring Magazine, Doug Fischer, scored last Saturday's Mosley-Mora contest 9 rounds to 3 in favor of Sergio Mora. As Fischer wrote, "[M]ost observers believed Mosley won the fight by varying scores." Personally, I agreed with Fischer's broadcast partner Dave von Tempo's scorecard of 7-5 in favor of Mora. I was fine with the ultimate result, a split draw.

People make mistakes and perhaps Fischer was too enthralled with Mora's defensive ability, which made Mosley look ordinary offensively. But just because Mosley looked ordinary, of course, doesn't mean he didn't still win rounds. Fischer may have subconsciously been upset that Mosley recently lost badly to his least favorite boxer, Floyd Mayweather.

But Fischer hasn't answered to his askew scorecard, which, honestly, has been a little disappointing. He has only put his name on one article for the Ring this week, a marked decrease from the norm. That article was a Ring ratings update posted today, hardly the arena to reference his out-of-whack scorecard. His weekly Monday Mailbag would have been that right place, but that was conspicuously absent this week.

Whether Fischer went back to the tape and saw that he was wrong or still holds that Mora won handily, I'm interested in what happened. I'm sure he received many a crude email from an uneducated hyper-emotional boxing fan, which may have soured his willingness to answer to the critics. But I'm genuinely curious about his thoughts on his scorecard when everyone else saw the fight differently.

The Unnecessary Pound-for-Pound Best

Here is an updated version of my obnoxiously unnecessary list of the top 10 pound-for-pound boxers. The previous list was posted on July 3.

1) Floyd Mayweather (41-0, 25 KOs), [Previous Rank: 1]
2) Manny Pacquiao (51-3-2, 38 KOs), [PR: 2]
3) Wladimir Klitschko (55-3, 49 KOs), [PR: 3]
4) Paul Williams (39-1, 27 KOs), [PR: 4]
5) Vitali Klitschko (40-2, 38 KOs), [PR: 6]
6) Sergio Martinez (45-2-2, 24 KOs), [PR: 7]
7) Juan Manuel Marquez (51-5-1, 37 KOs), [PR: 9]
8) Pongsaklek Wonjongkam (76-3-1, 40 KOs), [PR: 10]
9) Fernando Montiel (43-2-2, 33 KOs) [PR: NR]
10) Timothy Bradley (26-0, 11 KOs) [PR: NR]

Exiting the list:
Chad Dawson (29-1, 17 KOs), [Previous Rank: 5]
Shane Mosley (46-6-1, 39 KOs), [Previous Rank: 8]

Leave Omri Alone

Omri Casspi, a forward for the Sacramento Kings, as seen his likeness defaced twice within the last week. Anti-Semites painted swastikas over Casspi on a Kings poster for the second time in the past week. Casspi, who is Jewish, is the first ever Israeli to play in the NBA.

There are still a large number of bigots in the U.S. who hate Jews. It's an issue that can't be ignored and must be dealt with. I mean, who hates Omri Casspi? He's a good outside shooter, not good enough for opposing fans to take notice of him, but too good for Kings fans to resent his presence.

This isn't an issue about Israel. It's about Jews being afforded the opportunity to live in the U.S. in peace, without being victimized by hate. We need to take a stand against all kinds of bigotry, whether against, Jews Muslims, blacks, Latinos, gays or any other group facing hatred.

A Long Season

This is going to be a long season for the Buffalo Bills. It already has been. At least they don't play 18 games.

More on the Dude You Have No Qur'an Guy

If you don't know about the Dude you have no Qur'an guy, check out my post from yesterday in order to proceed. Today, I want to focus on the laugh the Dude you have no Qur'an guy makes immediately after saying, "Dude, you have no Qur'an."

It is a laugh the drips of bittersweetness. There is a melancholic quality to his chuckle. It is also a tad sheepish. Yet, it smacked of self-actualization.

He was clearly very proud of himself and knew he was a hero. But you can see his mind working in his eyes. The day's events had created a moment of self-reflection for him, expressed in his laughter. He saw himself and realized that, though a hero, he was also a ridiculous caricature of his ideals. He understood he needed to make some changes in his life. How much longer can he show up to protests and yank Qur'ans out of people's hands?

In the midst of that laughter, the Dude you have no Qur'an guy immediately decided to go look for his shirt and apply to law school. It was his swansong in the field of heroic tomfoolery.