Admitting a Vice

Few people know this, but I have been living the past ten years with a dark secret. This secret has influenced my actions and has been responsible for most of the negativity that I have perpetrated over the last decade.

I have a five Slurpee-a-week habit. Over the years, it has cost me nearly tens of dollars. I just can't stop, except for those periods when I leave the country for an extended period of time and have no choice. When I'm "slurping" (insider lingo), I'm just in ecstasy.

The Slurpee habit has cost me many friends. There can be a tendency to blame my incorrigible personality, my advanced level of conceit, or my propensity to continuously spew obscenities, but the Slurpees are the real culprit for those tattered friendships. Also, sometimes people just grow apart.

The Slurpees have caused me to dress up in women's lingerie. It is why I am a vicious racist. They were the reason why I picked the Steelers to win the Super Bowl last season. They are also responsible for the murders of at least six people (all Portuguese). Also, when I have a Slurpee a little later than usual, it can be tougher to fall asleep right away.

Please, I beg you to learn from my experience. Slurpees are a gateway vice to other, more perilous, vices such as picking the wrong Super Bowl team and murder.

Hurricane Irene?

Apparently, there was a hurricane or something over the weekend. I was visiting family in New York. There was a whole ruckus, but I pretty much slept through it. It turned out to be a slightly-windier-and-rainier-than-usual day.

Last week, in the DC area, there was an earthquake, apparently. I didn't feel that either. I didn't feel a supposed 4.9 after shock either. I still half feel that it was all a big conspiracy meant to cause panic among te populace.

The bottom line is, I figure, I am impervious to natural disasters. From now on, I will live my life accordingly.

Lazy Writing about the Nats

In an article "The Woeful Case of the Washington Nationals: an opposing fan's view," the author believes he has finally "figured out" why the Nats haven't been able to contend in the past three years. He then gives analysis based off of one game, which took place about ten days ago. Unfortunately for the author, the game was an anomaly.

The author paradoxically argues that John Lannan epitomizes the Nats, but if you take away his record against the Phillies, then he actually performs better than his team has. This "analysis" is based totally on winning percentage, a flawed stat for pitchers.

Worse still, the author says that "Washington is a team doomed by their mediocre pitchers and horrible defense." This is completely inaccurate. The game he watched was a terrible defensive game for the Nats, who have improved greatly on that side of the ball. Last year, the Nats were very bad defensively, but not this year. If the author had watched more than one game, he would know that.

He describes a misplay by "Danny Espinoza" (SIC, easy mistake when you've only seen one Nats game and have done no research for the article) and derides the rookie for poor defense. Espinosa has been a really athletic and smart defender at second; he simply had a bad game.

The author's of analysis of Nats pitching isn't as comically off base, but it's still wrong. The Nats pitchers aren't mediocre, they're wildly inconsistent. Jason Marquis is a better representative. When his sinker was on... wow. When it wasn't... yeesh.

The real problem for the 2011 Nats has been (what the author touts as their best quality) their offense. Save for a couple of stretches, it just hasn't been there. The author writes, "[They have] three hitters in their lineup who should hit about .300 or drive in about 100 runs (Ryan Zimmerman, Mike Morse and Jayson Werth)." They should (I guess), but they haven't.

The problem for the Nats the past three years has been a dearth of talent and inconsistency. Last season, the offense was good, the pitching was eh, and the defense was awful. It was a completely different formula in 2009.

I beg writers to know what they're talking about before making assertions.

The DC Earthquake

I didn't feel anything, I'm thinking everyone is playing a prank on me. I was playing basketball and actually missed a shot, that must've been when it happened.

I feel like half the people who say they felt the earthquake are just saying so because they want to feel like a part of something, a shared experience.

Eclectic Array

There is this incredible band called Eclectic Array that I just can't stop listening to. Their music truly speaks to my soul. It's like when you hear the right note at the right moment and a wave of electricy shoots through your torso.

The words are so moving and complement the music beautifully. They speak to every emotion human beings can feel. As the strings dance hauntingly, the words sting, "The trick of love is that it can produce hate."

The piano skies as the drum beats home the point, "The poor float away as a cloud, fester, and come back in a storm just as loud."

I'm looking forward to hearing more of their stuff.

Too Much Eating

I should not eat a delirious burger for breakfast anymore, as I did yesterday. It was too much food. I started having delusions afterward. I thought I was 8 days old again and Jayson Werth was my moyle, but he wouldn't take the foreskin snipper off his shoulder. All of my relatives were screaming at him, "We're paying you to use thing, let's go already!"

What's Up with Rick Perry's Vasectomy?

Allegedly, Rick Perry's father-in-law performed his vasectomy. If you think about it, it's pretty weird. There are two people in Rick Perry's wife's family who have seen his penis. Generally, you want to keep that number down to one.

It must make for an awkward Thanksgiving.
"How was the drive Dr. Thigpen?"
"Listen son, I've seen your balls. You can call me Joe."

Ron Paul Won't Get My Vote

I will never vote for Ron Paul. I agree with his foreign policy in terms of bringing home the troops from our numerous costly and destructive wars. I agree with his assessment that Iran is not a genuine threat; instead it is a boogieman used to justify an agressive foreign policy in the region.

I happen to disagree with his opinion that government is inheritently evil and an entity to be limited at all cost. Surely inefficient bureacracy can be wasteful and a hyper-partisan climate in government can halt progress, but government by itself is neither negative nor positive. But that is not why I would never vote for Ron Paul.

I will never vote for Ron Paul because I hear he has a screen on his front door of his house. I disdain anyone who has a screen on their front door. Back door is alright.

But what is the purpose of a front screen door? If you keep the door open and just have the screen closed, then anyone on the street can look in your house! So you wouldn't do that. In which case, the screen door is nothing more than an annoying obstruction that serves no function. Anyone who would have such a devise is clearly an idiot and cannot be trusted to run the country.

Positive Outlook

I have faith that things will eventually work out. We are all traveling on our own path and there will always be bumps in the road, but those bumps are there for a reason. Mistakes and obstacles are merely chances to learn.

Whether in terms of my career or in love, I know things will work out for me. Often times, luck is about attitude and outlook. It's important to see the positive side of everything and not wallow in self-pity. Things that you want more than anything could end up being destructive. Being rejected in an endeavor is likely a blessing, an avoidance of much potential pain.

So I am thankful for everything that has happened to me and for me in my life. I feel blessed to be where I am right now and have faith that life will continue to bless me.

Why Tim Pawlenty Lost

I tend to be a good prognosticator when it comes to predicting presidential races. In 2004, I said John Kerry would be the perfect candidate for the Democratic nomination when he was wallowing away in single digits. While he turned out to be far from the perfect candidate in the general election, many other Democrats felt during the primary, as I had, that he would be perfect. Kerry won the nomination on that peculiar quality called "electability."

More impressively, I was sure early on that Barack Obama and John McCain would win their respective nominations in 2008. Though Obama was trailing Hillary Clinton by 20 points nationally, I knew he'd win. McCain was trailing more candidates, but, especially when Huckabee won Iowa, it was clear that McCain would get the nod.

I thought Tim Pawlenty would win the nomination in 2012. I was dead wrong. While the other candidates all have a glaring weakness heading into the general election, should they make it that far, I figured Republicans would go with the most "electable." I figured that was Pawlenty, who has had a track record of being reasonable. He also "looks the part."

When Pawlenty failed to capitalize on his attack of Mitt Romney, Republicans had a vision of Pawlenty rolling over in front of Obama during the general election and refused to get behind him. Pawlenty's shift to the right hurt him as well. Michelle Bachmann's conservative cred is higher. Pawlenty could have beaten her by staying moderate. Republicans will eventually wise up and realize that Bachmann would have no shot at winning the presidency because of the numerous crazy statements she has made.

Pawlenty would have been the candidate tfor Republicans who wanted a Romney-type to represent them, but balked at Romney's Mormonism. But he didn't portray himself as the anti-Bachmann or the non-Mormon Romney. Instead, he became a weak flip flopper. No Republican is going to get behind bizarro John Kerry.

Rick Santorum Supports the Gays

Former Senator Rick Santorum exclaimed his support for the gay people of Iran last night at the debate held in Ames, Iowa. Santorum used the Iranian regime's poor record on gay rights and women's rights in an attempt to show the seriousness of the Iranian threat.

It's interesting that a Republican Presidential candidate has so much concern for Iran's gays and women, but no compassion for those groups in America. Santorum is one of the most outspoken anti-gay activists in the country. He has worked tirelessly to deprive gays of their due equal rights.

Similarly, Santorum is strongly in favor of denying a woman's right to choose. He is even against abortion in cases of rape or incest, a position that shows disdain for the victimized woman.

When you look up the word hypocrite in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of Rick Santorum. And when you look up Santorum in the dictionary, you'll see, "The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex."

Things that Need to Change in Baseball

Here is an abbreviated list of things that need to change in baseball. Though Bud Selig may not be directly responsible for everything on this list, rest assured, he is some how to blame.

• Pitchers need to go deeper into games. All of these pitching changes, it takes forever. And it works probably about 50% of the time, which means leaving the starter in would work just as often. Plus, we now have an army of weak-willed, weak-minded, and weak-armed, starting pitchers roaming our nation's mounds.


• I hate the unwritten rules that involve not trying as hard to win (eg. stealing when you're way ahead or behind or bunting to break up a no hitter). You play to win the game! And the thing about baseball, unlike basketball or football, there is no clock. Even if you're down 20 in the bottom of the ninth, you still have a chance to win. Teams should always play all out.


• The three division per league, wild card set up hurts the game. I loved when baseball had only four playoff teams. Making the playoffs meant more. Pennant races were more exciting. Now we only get a pennant race for the NL Central or the Wild Card. Mediocre teams make the playoffs. Think, the 1993 NL West race, where the Giants finished in second with 103 wins, will never happen again. The Giants would just get the Wild Card and there would have been no drama. So much for high-level intense September baseball.


• The winner of the All Star Game should not get home field advantage. Perhaps the stupidest rule ever imagined in sport. Dumber than the shoot 3 to make 2 free throw rule. If the All Star Game determines home field, which it shouldn't, it shouldn't be played like an exhibition game with each team having 40 players on the roster. Each team should have a 25 player roster and the World Series team with the best record should get home field advantage.


• The DH should be abolished. Baseball has 9 players. If you pinch hit for a player, that player is done for the game. Unless, you're in the American League. The DH should only be used in the All Star Game. Maybe the Western Conference of the NBA should allow 6 players on the court at one time.

The Best Baseball Players I've Ever Seen

Here's my list of the greatest players I've ever seen. I started following baseball in 1990 at the ripe old age of 8. Included are players' average, homeruns, RBIs , stolen bases, Gold Gloves since I've been following the game.

C Ivan Rodriguez .297, 311, 1332, 127, 13
1B Albert Pujols .328, 435, 1299, 81, 2
2B Roberto Alomar .303, 194, 1037, 408, 10
SS Derek Jeter .312, 238, 1176, 335, 5
3B Alex Rodriguez .302, 626, 1883, 305, 2 (at short)
LF Barry Bonds .309, 678, 1773, 397, 8
CF Ken Griffey Jr. .285, 614, 1775, 168, 10
RF Tony Gwynn .343, 90, 722, 98, 5 (2 since 1990)

Here's the best starting pitchers I've seen. Included are their win-loss record, ERA, Cy Youngs

SP Greg Maddux 310-189, 3.06, 4 (18 Gold Gloves)
SP Randy Johnson 293-153, 3.24, 5 (2nd most Ks all time)
SP Pedro Martinez 219-100, 2.93, 3 (7th best win% all time)
SP Roger Clemens 259-139, 3.15, 7 (5 Cy Youngs since 1990)
SP Tom Glavine 282-174, 3.45, 2 (4 Silver Sluggers)

The Closer:
RP Mariano Rivera 75-57, 2.23 (588 saves)

A Bronx Tale

It is 1949. Little Louie Walcott is prancing up the streets of the Bronx, covered in nervousness. Sixteen year old Louie is about to ask out the prettiest girl he's ever seen. He's hopeful she'll answer in the affirmative. But what if she doesn't?

Sheila Finkelstein is working in her father's kosher butcher shop on Fordham Road. Her hair is tied up and her sixteen year old cheeks are pinkish like raw meat. Even the most respected men who frequent the shop eye Sheila longingly as if she was a thinly-sliced pastrami.

Louie's hair is straight and thrown back with the help of lotion. Sweat drips off of his black skin on this hot June day. He straightens his tie and cocks his hat in the reflection of a grocery store's window on Fordham Road. He's three stores away from the kosher butcher shop and his stomach is spawning moths at an astronomical rate.

Sheila is slicing a piece of roast beef while in a daze. Thoughts of Abie Moskowitz won't leave her. Abie stands only a few inches above five feet. His face is as a round and cute as a baby’s, but several whiskers above his upper lip give him an air of prized maturity. Abie is known for his intelligence, sense of humor, and his athletic prowess. He has the sweetest smile, displaying slightly crooked teeth that always produces a rapid beat inside Sheila's chest.

Louie enters the kosher butcher shop. He goes over what he will say to Sheila for the 43rd time since he left his house. All eyes in the shop shift from Sheila's pubescent breasts to Louie's anxious face. "Um. Sheila? Will you go to the summer dance with me?" Louie manages to spout.

Sheila's eyes ignore the new entry. "Get lost, Louie. I'm hoping Abie asks me." Louie is crushed. His head falls harder than London Bridge. He turns and leaves the shop without looking back.

Within ten years, Louie has joined the Nation of Islam, changed his last name to Farrakhan, and blamed the Jews for everything wrong in the world.

The New Layout

After installing the new layout, I instantly felt melancholy. After six and half years, I didn't realize the impact that change would have on me. Most people coming tot he site are wondering about Bill Riccio or are curious if anyone else has recognized Shelden Williams's ugliness. But, in the nearly 2,000 posts, there are a few "good" ones. I was hoping to share those few "good" ones.

I'll probably switch back to the old layout and just post a link to a few "good" posts. Why didn't think about that before?

Canned Meats and Candy Healthy, Vegetables Not

A new study concludes that gorging oneself on canned meats and candy is the healthiest thing you can do. The same study says that eating vegetables results in severe rectal tears. The theory is that vegetables will run right through the digestive system and the roughage causes dangerous friction against the rectum as it exits the body.

Meanwhile, a young man from Maryland only eats canned meat and candy and he looks like a Greek god. A hairy Greek god. A tiny hairy Greek god. So he must be doing something right.

The Nats' Curious Trades

The Nats dealt veterans Jason Marquis and Jerry Hairston before the deadline and acquired some minor league prospects in return. But the also traded for veteran Jonny Gomes, giving up two minor league prospects.

The combination seems inconsistent. Gomes is basically the same hitter as half of the Nationals and virtually every ex-Red the franchise has every obtained. He hits in the low .200s, but has more homers than the average player possessing such a low battling average.

I'm also upset at the Marquis deal. A quality veteran starter was given away for a Class A shortstop who was drafted in the 9th round in last year's draft. Marquis will be a free agent and the Nats wouldn't have received compensation if he walked, but Marquis wanted to sign a multi-year deal to stay in DC. Maybe the organization's hopes were too high that Wang will make a miraculous comeback. I'm not sold on Detwiler either. It never hurts to have quality starting pitching.

Having said that, if this shortstop turns out to be something, that would be great. Desmond has a long way to go to convince me that he's an every day player on a good team. But it seems the organization anticipates Lombardozzi at second and Espinosa at short.

Trading away Marquis just seemed like a waste. And giving up prospects for Gomes also seems bizarre.