Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Admitting a Vice

Few people know this, but I have been living the past ten years with a dark secret. This secret has influenced my actions and has been responsible for most of the negativity that I have perpetrated over the last decade.

I have a five Slurpee-a-week habit. Over the years, it has cost me nearly tens of dollars. I just can't stop, except for those periods when I leave the country for an extended period of time and have no choice. When I'm "slurping" (insider lingo), I'm just in ecstasy.

The Slurpee habit has cost me many friends. There can be a tendency to blame my incorrigible personality, my advanced level of conceit, or my propensity to continuously spew obscenities, but the Slurpees are the real culprit for those tattered friendships. Also, sometimes people just grow apart.

The Slurpees have caused me to dress up in women's lingerie. It is why I am a vicious racist. They were the reason why I picked the Steelers to win the Super Bowl last season. They are also responsible for the murders of at least six people (all Portuguese). Also, when I have a Slurpee a little later than usual, it can be tougher to fall asleep right away.

Please, I beg you to learn from my experience. Slurpees are a gateway vice to other, more perilous, vices such as picking the wrong Super Bowl team and murder.

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