Canned Meats and Candy Healthy, Vegetables Not

A new study concludes that gorging oneself on canned meats and candy is the healthiest thing you can do. The same study says that eating vegetables results in severe rectal tears. The theory is that vegetables will run right through the digestive system and the roughage causes dangerous friction against the rectum as it exits the body.

Meanwhile, a young man from Maryland only eats canned meat and candy and he looks like a Greek god. A hairy Greek god. A tiny hairy Greek god. So he must be doing something right.