Surrounded

"Run faster."

One of the group of ten guys muttered under his breath as I ran by. They were probably in college or just recently finished. I decided the comment wasn't insulting enough for me to make a scene. But I secretly vowed that if they said anything offensive to me on my way back, I wouldn't hesitate to do something about it.

I ran back and the group had thinned to five. I kept my pace and minded my own business. They seemed to ignore me until I started hearing cat calls. "Hey girl." I took one more stride and stopped.

I turned around and began walking back to the group. "What's up?" I yelled. "What's up?" The biggest guy, who was probably twice my size, took the lead. "We're just fucking around." I didn't here him at first. I took a couple of steps closer to him and asked once against, "What's up?" He repeated. Another guy, to my left, explained that a girl had run by earlier and they were just making jokes about it as I ran by.

I accepted the explanation and felt I had made my point. I had stood up to them and they had backed down. Gandhiji would have been proud of this nonviolent confrontation. But I still seethed as I got home. I paced the house searching for a baseball bat. I had visions of driving back there, bat in hand and screaming, "I'm just fucking around! This is how I fuck around!" as I swung the bat wildly at each of the five guys.

I managed to calm myself down and accept that I had done the right thing.

Another Heartbreaking Loss

The Bills hung in there with the Steelers. In fact, they came back from 13 points down and hit a game tying field goal to send the game into overtime.

In OT, the Bills were so close to winning. After running the kickoff back to the 50-yard line, the Bills couldn't get a first down. Brian Moorman kicked the ball to the Steelers 4 yardline. After a solid defensive stand, the Bills were poised to get great field position. But the punt return was muffed and the Bills had to start on their own 34.

Ryan Fitzpatrick threw a perfect pass to Superstar Stevie Johnson that was dropped in the endzone. Later, Fitzpatrick was sacked, losing just enough yards to render a field goal attempt out of the question. The Steelers then drove down and scored the game winning field goal. Three of the last four Bills losses have been in overtime and all 4 have been by 3 points each.

The Taliban Imposter

In case you missed it, the Nato-led Coalition of the Reluctant, who engaging in Operation Why Are We Still Here in Afghanistan, thought they were negotiating with a representative of the Taliban. As it turned out, the representative was an imposter. Some critics have said the negotiators should've realized it was an imposter when he asked for "a schmeer of lox" on his bagel. The Taliban imposter also complained that it was "too hot" and that his beard was "itchy."

Witnesses have described the Taliban imposter as "looking like Woody Allen with a beard." His real name is Brian Schneiderberg from Long Island. He works in his dad's belt business and loves baseball, particularly the Mets. Schneiderberg said he traveled to Afghanistan and disguised himself as a representative of the Taliban so his mother would have "something to brag about when talking to Sarah Moskowitz's mother."

Schneiderberg is charged with impersonating the enemy. If convicted, his punishment will be the removal of his earring.

Black Friday Activities

One of these years I think I'm going to do some Black Friday shopping. I'm not much of a shopper. I hate crowds. But I would love to go around knocking over gentiles without fear of retribution or reprimand.

Oh, you want that PSP for a Christmas present for your little grandson Jimmy? BAM! Take that old lady!

A Classroom Mystery

I was in the classroom with a 6-year old boy. It was just me and him. No one else was there. I was sitting at the computer and he was in a chair to the side of the desk.

The boy lets out an audible fart. He pauses for a second, points, and says, "You did it!"

Lost in My Thoughts

I was in the middle of my run. It was 12:45am. I like to run at night because no one else is out at that hour. The full moon had a curious ring of reflected light around it.

I was lost in my own world as I continued to run. I was reminiscing about the marathons I've run. Particularly the moment when I would hit the wall and subsequently get passed by scores of old fat ladies who would invariably say, "Keep it up, you're doing great!" When those ladies passed, two words would come to mind beginning with "F" and ending with "u".

I was so involved in my thoughts that those two words escaped my lips in the form of a shout whisper. Of course, a man was running across the street in the opposite direction at that very moment. His muddled retort snatched me back into reality.

7-11 Stories

I was standing in line at the 7-11, sipping my Slurpee. Two white kids were holding up the line as their various IDs were rejected. One of them sported a bit of buzzed blonde hair. He inexplicably had an earring in his left ear. He noticed a buddy behind me in line.

"Haven't seen you in a minute," called the buddy behind me. I hadn't heard that expression in a minute.

I stopped listening for a few moments. Then I heard the kid with the earring say, "I'm mad tight with my parents, so I'm living with them now. We weren't so tight before, so I was like, yo, fuck that shit."

I don't remember 1996 being that great a year. But maybe if you were too young to notice, 1996 seems mad tight yo. Mad tight enough to be stuck in it.

The Bills are 2-8!

The Bills won their second straight game yesterday. After trailing the Begals 28-7, the Bills won 49-31. My fantasy football opponent had Superstar Stevie Johnson. Fortunately for me, he sat Johnson, who had an incredible game.

The march to 8-8 is on!

Pacquiao, Martinez-Williams

After Pacquiao knocked out Ricky Hatton, I was impressed, but I doubted he'd be able to beat the bigger welterweights out there. He had proven he was the top junior welterweight, and I figured he'd do well against smaller welters, but not against Cotto, Clottey, and especially not Margarito. Those were the names I had in mind then. Pacquiao must've read my mind. For me, the win over the granite-chinned defensive wizard, Joshua Clottey, made me a believer. It's now assumed that Clottey didn't come to fight, but Pacquiao took the will from a determined fighter on that night.

I've switched back and forth between Pacquiao and Mayweather as my pound-for-pound number one after each of their fights for the past year. Pacquiao's destruction of the enormous and capable Antonio Margarito edges Mayweather for the top spot in my mind for now. But I'm a little tired of the Pacquiao-jocking. He is great, but some of the compliments are absurd. Pacquiao was actually complimented for laying off of Margarito in the 12th round. I don't mind him doing it, but the same folks complimenting Pacquiao for that crush Mayweather when he coasts to victory. It's hypocritical.

Sergio Martinez's 2nd round knockout win over Paul Williams thoroughly impressed (and surprised) me. He threw a left hand similar to the one that felt like a full on headbutt to Kermit Cintron. He's moved up to the number three pound-for-pound spot for me. The Ring still has Martinez ranked as the best junior middleweight, but his announcement that he wouldn't fight Pacquiao or Mayweather at anything less than 156, and the fact that he hasn't fought at junior middleweight for well over a year, should mean that he is removed from the rankings in that division.


The odd thing about boxing is that Paul Williams might be the one to get a shot at either Pacquiao or Mayweather after this loss. The 6'2" southpaw pressure-fighter was knocked out by a shorter guy with a ton of speed. He's still a credible opponent for either man and now he finally looks vulnerable. I'm still holding out hope that Pacquiao and Mayweather fight each other though. Call me naive.


In any event, what a great time for boxing.

A Threat from a Jew

I had just made potentially the wittiest insult the world had ever experienced. It was one of those comebacks that show the divine power of words. A gun shot wouldn't have done as much damage.

"I'm going to kick your ass," whined my victim, "And that's not a threat!"
"But it is a threat," I retorted with a look of feigned confusion.
"It's not a threat; I'm really going to kick your ass."
"Regardless, you're still threatening me."
"No. I'm saying I'm not threatening you. I'm going to kick your ass."
"You might want to look up the word "threaten" in a dictionary."
"What do you mean?"
"Whether you intend to kick my ass or not, you're still threatening me. The act of threatening someone does not depend on whether or not you carry out that threat."
"Well then, I'm threatening you and I'm going kick your ass."
"There you go. That makes more sense."

And then it occurred to me. Before engaging in a physical confrontation, of course two Jews would first argue over semantics about what constitutes a threat.