Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Hank Gathers

Today is the nineteenth anniversary of the death of Hank Gathers.
I ask myself what lesson does his life and death have for me now. Live life to the fullest is a cliche. The lesson is to live life to have an impact on others and be sure to have fun while you do it.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Socialist Mismanagement

Whenever a self-described socialist nation goes through an economic downturn based on its government's policies the term "socialist mismanagement" is used by those Western elites that we allow to define things for us. However, when the same situation occurs in a self-described capitalist country, you never hear about "capitalist mismanagement."

Cuba is a self-described socialist state. There is a pervasive belief of the West that "socialist mismanagement" has been the cause of the depredation of the island. While external and internal forces have contributed to Cuba's current condition, to dismiss these complex factors as mere "socialist mismanagement" is not only lazy, but clearly pushing a particular imperialist agenda.

After the fall of the Soviet Union and its satellites, Cuba fell on hard times. This period is called the Special Period, as Fidel Castro and the Cuban leadership attempted to explain the coming hardship. Prior to the collapse of the USSR, Cuba's economy was dependent on foreign aid from socialist countries, which had improved certain aspects of the lives of Cubans from before the Revolution, while making other features more difficult. Food and other goods disappeared for a period after the loss of aid.

Castro legalized the use of dollars, which has had significant results. People working in the tourist sector and those selling goods on the black market became privileged over doctors and teachers who remained in the unconvertible peso economy. As a result, people trained as doctors and the like entered arenas where they would be paid in dollars. We must be careful not condemn a system that pays doctors less than merchants because we don't want to place our own morals on another society, but clearly the movement of people who are trained in one field and working in another will have negative effects on a country's economy.

The above negatives have virtually nothing to do with the system of socialism as an ideology. Cuba's allies collapsed, which created a dire situation on the island. The government's reaction was to privilege certain sectors above others without providing incentives for people to stay in the occupation of their training. I don't know if socialism, capitalism, or some combination of the two is the best economic system. But we must be wary of misinformed, simplistic, and nonsensical catchphrases such as "socialist mismanagement." (International Affairs)

Monday, March 02, 2009

Evil Leaders League, Week 6

We got quite a bit of snow here in Baltimore today. At least I'm not a gusano trapped inside with Fidel. Then I'd be subject to a 6 hour lecture about what a terrible person I am. It'd be a lot like attending Catholic mass or dinner with my family. Let's get the results for the all important Week 6. The official Evil Leaders League site is here.

Nazarbayev vs Shwe
Nursultan Nazarbayev is the president of Kazakhstan, a former Soviet satellite. As with most Soviet entities, it doesn't work so well. Kazakhstan's media is own by the state, but even they are realistic. There are no high pronouncements of the glorious reign of their dear president. Instead the media tends to report on trade deals Nazarbayev makes while playing his video game political simulators. He hopes that if he practices enough, someday he'll get to run a real country! Than Shwe is the leader of Burma and Myanmar. Even UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon doesn't want to visit either one of them and that guy's a glutton for destitution. Ban says he's more comfortable in war torn regions than in well-decorated boardrooms. Shwe is more comfortable surrounded by half-dead children because he loves to see the dreams and hopes of the young extinguished. He's Bizarro Obama.

To view the winners of each contest, go to the official ELL site.

Chavez vs Bongo
Hugo Chavez of Venezuela has been silenced. He has a sore throat and a doctor has ordered him to shut the fuck up for a few days, but probably not in those words. Chavez, who usually indulges himself in Fidel-like speeches, has been reduced to tears at the loss of his voice. Here's a riddle: What sound does a crying evil leader make if he's lost his voice? Answer: The same sound as one of his opponents, none. Gabon's President Omar Bongo has had his French accounts frozen. No more fries, no more kisses, and no more ticklers for the percussionist-turned-evil leader. Since Bongo will no longer be able to pay off dissidents, he'll have to resort to Plan B. Beating people with AIDS-covered sticks. Come on Bongo, wash the sticks, then beat the protestors. It's more humane.

al-Assad vs al-Bashir
You can call this matchup the Battle of al. Bashar al-Assad of Syria has a choice to make. Does he go with the tall dark and handsome Barack Obama or the rugged outdoorsmen found in anti-Israeli extremist circles. It's a tough choice. If only he could create a situation where he sees them both without the other one knowing. It's a recipe for all sorts of hi-jinks and hilarity. For now, al-Assad will continue be the anti-Israeli fighters' bodyguard. Sudan's Omar al-Bashir is in a bit of hot water. The genocide in Darfur has taken its toll on al-Bashir's popularity rating in that region. Only 29% of black Africans in Darfur approve of the genocide. Hey, that's still better than Bush. Darfur rebel leader Khalil Ibrahim has threatened al-Bashir's ouster. Ibrahim said, "You can call him al-Bashir, but I will call him betty-Bashir!" In Arabic, betty means "an evil leader who will soon be dethroned in the wake of an ICC indictment on charges of genocide." Paul Simon is a prophet.

Khamenei vs Kim
Iran's Ayatollah, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei wants U.S. troops out of Iraq. He also enjoys apple pie, hot dogs, and watching mindless reality shows. Khamenei actually has a flag on his front porch, beats his wife, and sexually abuses his children. Iran and America have so much in common! It's the North Korean nihilistic version of Christmas for leader Kim Jong-Il. No, he's not trampling people to death at WalMart; remember, he's evil, not American. Kim can't wait to fire off his rockets and show the boy next door who is cooler. Kim loves his people because they were willing to give up food, electricity, freedom, and even a single traffic light in the capital, all so Kim could have some new toys. Kim will show his appreciation by playing with his toys of mass destruction day and night until there is no longer days or nights.

standings: Check the ELL site

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Two Parties

Personally, I hate parties. Parties have small talk. I hate small talk. But I see the value of two parties.

The United States has had two main political parties for well over a century. That there are only two help to ensure that these parties must build a diverse coalition of followers. In the U.S. a one-issue party would not have much success. Zimbabwe has also recently seen the rise of a strong opposition party. The MDC reaches out to a broad range of the population. It started as a trade union organization, has fought against Robert Mugabe's policy of grabbing farm land and (theoretically) redistributing it, and has a multi-racial following.

That takes us to Tanzania. Tanzania, which is a union of two states, mainland Tanganyika and Zanzibar, has had one party running the country throughout its independent history. Interesting enough, before 1977, Tanzania was a one-party state, but had two parties. This is because it has two governments, one for the union and the other for Zanzibar. TANU ruled the union government and ASP ran Zanzibar until they merged to form CCM in 1977.

Beginning in 1992, Tanzania instituted a multi-party democracy. But almost every opposition party has been weak. CCM has never faced a stiff challenge for control of the union government. Jakaya Kikwete received 80% of the vote for the union presidency in 2005. His closest competitor was Ibrahim Lipumba of the CUF. The CUF is largely a Zanzibar-based party. In Zanzibar presidential elections, CUF has been much closer. But the tightness of the contests for control has led to tragic violence. CUF boycotted parliament after declaring fraud in the 1995 elections. That hostility carried over until a bloodbath ensued following the 2000 elections.

It is important to understand that two strong parties will not ensure a functioning democracy. Both, in Zanzibar and in Zimbabwe, the existence of two strong parties has resulted in bloodshed. However, two strong parties is the best chance for the most people to be represented. In Tanzania's union government, one strong government consistently defeats a divided opposition, ultimately negating any real choice for Tanzanian citizens and creating an absence of accountability for the country's leaders. (International Edition: revised, only on Tanzania)

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Arch-Enemies

While I was teaching, a 6-year old Indian boy declared, "I have an arch-enemy. Do you know who it is?" I could guess.
"Who?" I asked.
"It's you!" What a surprise.
"Do you know who my arch-enemy is?" I rebutted.
"Me?"
"No. Former Jewish parody rapper 50 Shekel."
All the little kids in the room break out in laughter.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Obama's First State of the Union Address

At various times, I was curious to see if the Democrats or Republicans were standing and clapping after a particular comment, but the camera had zoomed too far for me to recognize anyone in the audience. So I developed a way to distinguish between the two. If everyone on camera is white, then it's the Republicans. If almost everyone on camera is white, then it's the Democrats.

Barack Obama's speech was impressive. Honestly, I think he could sell gay to Pat Robertson. But, I'm afraid, compared to the last eight years, almost any speech would sound refreshingly grounded yet ambitiously hopeful. It's like the person who eats Banquet frozen dinners every night and then there's a sale on Stouffer's frozen dinners. That person wouldn't be able to tell the difference between the Stouffer's frozen steak tips and filet mignon. That's just a hypothetical; my life hasn't become that sad. Um, let's just move on.

It looked like Ruth Bader Ginsburg was asleep. I believe this is because she was very upset that she was missing her Murder She Wrote reruns, so she decided to fall asleep and pretend she was watching it in her dreams.

State of the Union addresses can create some weird reactions. The Democrats cheered the line, "We inherited a huge deficit." That is pretty great, isn't it? Everyone cheered the fact that America does not torture. Next time I see my mother, I'm going to give her hug for not beating me with a stick while I slept as a child.

Joe Biden wasn't exactly sure when to clap. Thank goodness for Nancy Pelosi.

Occasionally, the right person comes along at the right time. If Obama is that person, it is too early to tell. But he sure seems like it.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Let the Banning Begin

Here are the latest decrees for my nation.

Today's decrees
Only 10 movies will be allowed a year. So they all better be really good.

A successful society respects nature. Thus, umbrellas are now banned.

A beautiful society is a happy one. Thus, everyone 165lbs overweight or more can only go out at night. Or when it's very cloudy.

I've never liked odd numbers, so they are now banned.

The economy of my great nation has slowed a bit. So, to stimulate the economy, free happy endings for every citizen with any purchase over $49.99.

I've always hated Jeff Goldblum; he's banned.

When I was young, I used to have a recurring dream that after I heard the doorbell ring, I would peek out of the window only to find an evil penguin moving in horror-film-like slow motion all set to the tune of Michael McDonald's I Keep Forgetting. So all of that is banned.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Evil Leaders League, Week 5

Sometimes, when I'm sad, I wish I was an evil leader so I could have my minions rub meat on the balls of my opponents and then unleash Michael Vick's former dogs on them, just to wash away my pain. The official Evil Leaders League site is here, where you can vote in the latest poll.

Khamenei vs Bongo
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is, believe or not, the Ayatollah of Iran. He will essentially decide the next president of Iran, incumbent Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or former incumbent Mohammad Khatami. That means that Khamenei has the power of 7 American men and 2 American women (in black robes). Ahmadinejad declared that Iran is now officially a super power. Yeah, and I have a 14-inch penis. Omar Bongo, the president of Gabon since 1968, has kept relative stability in his land by either paying off or jailing political opponents. Hey Bongo, for the right price, we can make sweet music together and I'll take you out of this league. What's the price? A bj from your dying wife.

To view the winners of each contest, go to the official ELL site.

al-Bashir vs Kim
Omar al-Bashir is still the president of Sudan. He's garnered the support of Hosni Mubarak of Egypt. It's all part of al-Bashir's attempt to create an exclusive club of evil, aptly called: the Exclusive Club of Evil. To join, you have to be the evil leader of a country and have rancid foot odor. Kim Jong-Il runs North Korea. Even in death, he will terrify the U.S. as concerns about his successor rage on. Haunting people from beyond the grave is very evil, as Gene Siskel has taught me. In the meantime, Kim is still preparing to launch a missile in an attempt to scare the world into providing him with aid and legitimacy a little longer. Wouldn't it be great if real life was like that? You threaten to kill people and you get stuff, like Slurpees and Snickers bars.

Shwe vs Chavez
Than Shwe, who runs military juntas in Myanmar and Burma, is like a women taking you for a ride. Right when you think he's finally going to be awesomely evil, he does something that leaves you scratching your head, like releasing political prisoners. One of the released prisoners was a monk named U Thumana, who was asked by a reporter, "What was it like in a Burmese prison?" U answered, "You can't imagine." The reporter rebutted, "Wait, me or you?" U answered, "You." Which went on until I realized that joke doesn't work in print. Venezuela's President, Hugo Chavez, made a surprise visit to Cuba to visit the Castro brothers. He wanted to see what he'd look like in 40 years. Chavez has also begun to dabble in killing critics and growing a beard, but apparently only has enough manhood for one of them.

Nazarbayev vs al-Assad
Nursultan Nazarbayev, who is perpetually constipated, is the president of Kazakhstan. There was a recent political protest in his country, which is as rare as a Nazarbayev shit. Nazarbayev should eat a jumbo chicken dog with free 7-11 chili poured over it. But he doesn't allow free speech, so he'll never receive that advice. Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is expected to meet with U.S. lawmakers and has been urged to enter negotiations with Israel. That all sounds like Syria is coming in from the cold, but just remember al-Assad's personal motto, "Keep your friends close and the Zionist American pigs closer. And continue to fund anti-American and anti-Israeli organizations." That's better than his other personal motto, "Who wants syphilis!"

standings: Check the ELL site

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Murderers

We honor the police and the military in our society, even though they are responsible for countless murders. I have never understood how the murder of a person in one context is wrong while it is deemed acceptable in another context. My understanding of murder is that it is bad. I assumed that was everyone's interpretation of murder. I could be wrong.

The sad fact is that the police and the military have such a potential for good. The police should be dedicated to helping the citizens it serves. The military is a well-trained, extremely discipline group of men and women that could be used to deliver food to the hungry. It could build damns for those in need of water. It could transform the world for the better. But instead, both organs are used to murder. Whether it is an African immigrant pulling out his wallet or an Iraqi man unwilling to follow an imposed curfew, the police and the military have squandered their potential and human life.

So, to answer a question I asked yesterday: No.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

The Screw

I was staring at a screw on the metro north in New York a few weeks ago and I had a revelation. Someone screwed in every screw of this train. Someone put together every part of it (lets just assume it wasn't a machine).

The safety of countless people depended on this person doing their job well. And they had because we made it safely, just as so many others had before. That is a noble job. Then I started thinking, someone is responsible for all of the little things that we overlook, but allow our lives to continue seamlessly. There are numerous unacknowledged people who devote their lives to playing some small part in making this world a better place to live. It began to restore my faith in humanity.

I wish I had a punchline to go with this. Is that it? Am I suddenly someone who is too busy appreciating the little things to comment on the problems with our world?