I got a date for last Friday using an online dating site. Within ten minutes of the conversation, she asks me, "Do you know anyone around here who can get us a dime bag?"
On another date, this Saturday, I managed to be invited up to her place. We where kissing and dry humping and I became too excited. For a man used to beautiful naked women catering to my ever desire, it has been a rough couple of months. And it's hot here in the Washington DC area. I see so many attractive women showing off a lot of skin. Finally, I managed to convince a woman to have sex with me and I came before even a shred of clothing was removed. I left her apartment shortly after. I tried to call the next day a few times, but she won't answer. I'm not optimistic.
When I was the Dear and Fearless Leader, I first describe rape as "unwitting sexual relations" and later decreed that it was ethically ok. But I was going about things all wrong. I learned that in America, according to senatorial candidate Congressman Todd Akin, there is "legitimate rape." That's when you don't get the woman pregnant. So, if you do get the woman pregnant, it's not "legitimate rape." Why didn't I think of that! Some tyrant I was! Todd Akin puts me to shame.
I'm going to ask some of my colleagues about the legal merit of Representative Akin's assertions before I start impregnating a bunch of women against their will. I am nothing if not a responsible rapist. But this could really help ease my melancholy.
In other news, I went to a Sweet Frog for the first time today. I asked the girl working there for a small chocolate frozen yogurt with gummy bears. She told me the cups were over there and that I had to get it myself. I told her that I don't work at Sweet Frog. I am the former Dear and Fearless Leader, I work at a think tank and teach a course in leadership at American University. She didn't seem to understand. She said that I needed to pick a cup, get the chocolate frozen yogurt, and sprinkle on the gummy bears myself. Then, she said she would weigh it to see how much it cost. At this point I began screaming at her.
I actually can't wait to go to work tomorrow and find out about this rape thing. Things might be looking up! Bye for now!!