I asked my colleagues at the think tank about whether or not impregnating a woman through forcible sexual relations is not considered "legitimate rape." Turns out it's still rape. That's what I get for listening to Congressman Todd Akin. But, I do have another possible legal option to relive my days of having sexual relations with uncooperative women as I did when I was the Dear and Fearless Leader. My colleagues told me about something called "diplomatic immunity."
Apparently, because of diplomatic immunity, I may be able to having unlicensed sexual relations with whoever I choose, and it doesn't matter if they become impregnated or not. But my colleagues were not entirely sure if diplomatic immunity extends to rape although it seemed to work for former IMF head Dominique Strauss-Kahn. And, it turns out, Idi Amin used to purposely run into parked cars and smash mailboxes without reprimand.
I taught one of my classes in leadership at American University this week. I noticed a 250 pound bearded student began humping the bottom of the table. I'm not even sure what could possibly be pleasurable about the bottom of a table. Was it that metal thing? Or maybe the grooved wood? Anyway, you know how flimsy those tables are; when you try to erase, it shakes the entire table. Imagine a 250 pound man humping it.
It seemed like he thought he was slick and no one was noticing; meanwhile the entire class gawked at him in horror and disgust. He groaned like a happy seal. I attempted to press on rather than acknowledge this bizarre behavior. Eventually, he finished and a smug look of satisfaction rested on his face as the stench of freshly ejaculated sperm filled the air. The students around this pervert began gagging uncontrollably. Attempting to avoid gazing in his direction, even I could see- via my peripheral vision- the giant cum stain that had pushed to the front of the pajama pants he was wearing. When I was the Dear and Fearless Leader, I didn't have to put up with displays like this. I would have had his dick sliced off and then shoved down his throat until he could no longer breathe... for the sake of our nation.
I'm looking to see if diplomatic immunity will work for me. I'm meeting with a lawyer tomorrow to find out. Bye for now!!!