Hiatus

I went clothes shopping for the first time in about five years. I bought my very first pair of khaki shorts. Why this sudden shopping bonanza? I happen to be leaving for Delhi later today.

As always when I travel, I advertise that I'll be on hiatus for a while, only to stumble upon an internet cafe shortly after arriving at my destination. You might be asking, why am I going to India again? What right do you have, you noisy son of a... Well, I'll tell you.

I haven't had Indian food in a while. One reason is because the guys at the local Indian restaurants are starting to recognize me. You know where that leads. First comes recognition, then comes small talk. I don't want that.

Last time I was India, Jerry Falwell died. I recently saw Pat Robertson and he looked terrible. I'm not saying anything. I'm just saying...

The real reason I'm leaving is because I think I'm holding America back. So I'm leaving in the hopes that my absence will help turn things around. I'll come back to a country that affords each of its citizens the right to health care. I'll come back to a country that uses its power to curb the trend of climate change as opposed to occupying foreign lands. I'll come back to a country that will acknowledge and embrace differences. We will all express empathy for every man, woman, and child and live every moment powered by that purpose. But at the very least, don't fuck everything up 'til I get back.

The 2009 Nats

The season hasn't ended just yet, so this will be updated later.

The Nats are 52-102 and will finish as the worst team in baseball for the second straight year. The manager was fired at the All Star break. There were very few bright spots from this atrocious season. One was Ryan Zimmerman, who improved his defense, ironing out his problems on routine throws during the second half of the season. Z had his best year offensively as well (.289, 31 hrs, 100 rbis). Part of the reason for his improvement with the bat came in the form of free agent signing, Adam "Get'r" Dunn (.273, 38 hrs, 103 rbis). Dunn moved to first base after Nick Johnson was traded and provided some protection for Zimmerman. Dunn walked 111 times, but struck out 170.

In the middle of the season, Nyjer Morgan came to the team and like cow brains in the hands of a master chef, nearly made this team bearable. Morgan (.351, 35 runs, 24 sbs in 49 games with the Nats) changed the culture of the team on both sides of the field until he became injured. Josh "Ready and" Willingham, who came over from the Marlins in a trade before the season, was the other productive bat. But his glove, fitting in with the rest of the team, was suspect. Willingham (.267, 23 hrs, 60 rbis) faded even at the plate as the end of the season approached. Willie Harris (.227, 7 hrs, 27 rbis, 11 sbs) and Cristian Guzman (.286, 6 hrs 51 rbis) were also there. Guzman walked only 16 times in 549 plate appearances.

The Nats have a couple of young bats, who may turn things around next season. Elijiah Dukes (.255, 8 hrs, 57 rbis) is 25 years old and still needs to improve with the bat and the glove. Jesus Flores, who is 24, is an up-and-coming catcher. Flores (.301, 4 hrs 15 rbis) was injured early, playing in only 29 games. Ian Desmond (.292, 1 hr, 6 rbis in 13 games) was called up at the end of the year and is 23.

The Nats pitching was awful. The team's ERA was a pitiful 5.17. John Lannan, who is only 24, was the ace of the staff. The young lefty went 9-13 with a 3.93 ERA. Jordan Zimermann, a 23 year old, was 3-5 with a 4.63 ERA (the second lowest of any Nats pitcher who started a game), but won't participate in a game for a while due to injury. Livan Hernandez came back towards the end of the campaign, but struggled with the team. Tyler Clippard (2-2, 3.18 ERA in 37 games) showed himself to be a valuable member of the staff at 24 years of age. The best pitcher in the franchise just may well be one who hasn't yet thrown a pitch, heralded first pick, Stephen Strasburg.

The 2009 Nats hit a little better than last season, but couldn't get anyone out, catch the baseball, or throw it. These are essential facets of baseball. An 8 game winning streak in the middle of the season was the only positive stretch. The team looked respectable with Morgan out on the field. I've never seen one player matter so much to a team. Unfortunately, he wasn't out in center field very often in 2009.

Yom Kippur Repentance

This is why I can say terrible things about people. This is why I can hurt people close to me with no consequence. Yom Kippur! Fast for one day and you have to forgive me!

I'd like to apologize to everyone I've wrong this past year. That list includes: Arabs, Than Shwe, Patrick Bellegarde-Smith, Karl Rove, Ted Bundy, Mexicans, Bernie Madoff, Ted Kennedy, the Taliban, the Lerners, Chuck Wepner, Tajikistan, Barack Obama, Hamrokhon Zarifi, people who like gefilte fish, Michael Jackson, Jonas Savimbi, Jesus, Stephen Colbert, Anne Frank, Dwight Howard, Shepard Smith, Nelson Mandela, David Petraeus, Alan Rake, Sonia Sotomayor, people who have bald spots that vaguely look like yarmulkes from far away, Andy Van Slyke, my grandma, Sarah Palin, Rafael Trujillo, and Mary J. Blige.

The Arab Menace

Arabs are a very dangerous people. Particularly according to Fox News and the Weekly Standard. The State Department defines Arabs as "People of terrorist descent." Apparently, "They can be distinguished by their funny names, but be careful, not all have, so stay vigilant. Your level of alertness on this issue should be at orange with a little bit of burnt sienna."

Here's something that you may also not have known. Arabs are taking over our country! Here's a working list of the most dangerous Arabs in America:

Casey Kasem
Tony Shaloub
Jamie Farr
Paul Anka
Doug Flutie
Rony Seikaly
Helen Thomas
Ralph Nader
Gen. John Abizaid
Sec. Donna Shalala

Me vs. Babies

When a baby stares at a woman, the woman is usually not upset. In fact, almost all women are actually thrilled. They love it. Meanwhile, when I stare at a woman, she's typically pretty creeped out.

But here's what you're missing. When a baby stares, you know all he's thinking about is one thing, sucking on your breasts. That's why he's smiling so much. Honestly, that's not the first place my mind goes to. What am I, some kind of pervert?

So you see, don't be creeped out when I'm staring at you; I'm much more innocent than a baby.

Jews Run Too

In a scene in one of Sholom Aleichem's stories, a couple of Jews are literally running away from a dangerous situation, which really only involves them. That flight triggers a wave of runners and soon the whole shtetl takes off. While they're all still running, one Jew asks to another, "Why are you running?" The other Jews replies, "You're running, too." The first Jew states, "I'm only running because everyone else is."

That reminded me of a Cedric the Entertainer joke. You don't see nine or ten black people get shot up in one place at one time. "We run... If I'm with you and you start running, well, dammit, I'm gonna start running." He continues, "Meanwhile, white people walk right to the trouble. 'What the heck is going on?' BAM!"

Evil Leaders League, Season 6 in Review

Season 6 has completed and there are still evil leaders in the world. What gives? I guess they exist so that I can make fun of them and you can have a good laugh or cringe, as the case may be. Of course, this season is dedicated to those who go to bed hungry and thirsty, to those with AIDS and malaria, and those in jail for their political beliefs. The official ELL site is here. Check throughout the off season for updates.

The Champion - Than Shwe 4-3 (2-0)
Than Shwe, the military junta leader of Burma and Myanmar (depending on who you ask), finally got over the hump this season and won his first championship. His government is autocratic and refuses to provide for its citizens. Meanwhile, Shwe makes money off of his nation's stash of natural gas. He spends that money on the shiny medals that adorn his military jumpsuit. Than likes shiny. He also like doing away with Buddhist monks and democracy advocates.

Check out the best out-of-context lines from this season in the Highlights section.

The Challengers
Kim Jong-Il 6-1 (1-1) - His bipolar method of ruling landed him in second place this season.
Omar al-Bashir 5-2 (0-1) - Genocide runs thin after a while, but it's still good enough for a playoff berth.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad 3-4 (0-1) - Stole an election and jailed his opponents, but looked sexy while doing it.
Teodoro Obiang 3-4 - A corrupt African dictator of an oil state isn't unique, but it does lend itself to humorous situations.

The Relegated
Bashar al-Assad 3-4 - Too many overtures to the U.S. and Israel to stay in the ELL another season.
Hugo Chavez 2-5 - His charismatic brand of socialist anti-Americanism had a long and legendary run.
Ilham Aliyev 2-5 - Squashing dissent isn't evil enough these days.

A couple of sad goodbyes:
When you do a league like this, you make a lot of friends. This season, we've lost two such people. The former president of Gabon, Omar Bongo, left us far too late earlier in the summer. He only spent one season in the league, but he will not soon be forgotten, especially by his citizens. Mostly because he ruined their lives.

Hugo Chavez has been a part of the Evil Leaders League since its inception. His combative version of socialism and tactless anti-American rhetoric provided the ELL with many jokes at his expense. It takes an unabashed egomaniac, hellbent on maintaining power and promoting his ideology regardless of practicality to survive in such a competitive league like this one for six impactful campaigns. He will be sorely missed next season.

To Omar Bongo and Hugo Chavez: Thanks for the memories.

Conversations at a Rest Stop

I'm in the bathroom of a rest stop taking my place at one of the urinals in the middle of the row. A tall burly man of about 20 years has the brim of his worn cap facing the wrong direction. He's assumed the position about four or five stalls to my right. On my left is a leather-clad middle-aged man, whose head reaches only the young man's chin, takes his place two stalls away from me on my left. The frat boy hollers to the side, "Were you the guy on the motorcycle out there?"

The older man answers, "Yes."
"Ya know, anyone riding a motorcycle on the highway going 50 mph has failed as a person."
A second later, the man in leather's forehead falls. "I'm surprised you stopped texting long enough to notice, buddy."

I sense the inevitable argument that's about to ensue and close up shop early. I suffer the consequences of that decision. I wash my hands and an explicative runs out of my mouth as I look down and notice the stain of that fateful decision in the mirror.

I leave the bathroom and pass by the TravelMart. There, a man is asking for directions to Germantown. It started innocently enough. Then like magnets to metal, men gravitate over to the conversation and begin adding their two cents. Soon, ten men are talking over each other discussing congestion, back roads, and every possible scenario. I think about helping too. I know the fastest route to Germantown, the easiest one, and all of the traffic patterns, but, instead, I just give a little chuckle as I pass by the scene. I figure that inserting my opinion will just add to the confusion.

I head left to wait in the line at Burger King. In front of me, a young woman wearing a tight University of Maryland t-shirt, comments to her friend, "I wanted Taco Bell, but when I got there, I saw a sign in the window, 'Not safe to occupy.' Not safe to occupy? When is Taco Bell ever safe to occupy? That's not a reason to shut down the place!"

I consider laughing. Normally I would, but my mind is elsewhere. Words have wandered into my ears from behind. "That's why we need to build a wall. To keep them out." I soon realize that I should probably challenge that insidious comment. I turn slightly and unveil a dirty look, but I still can't catch the perpetrator of the remarks with the corner of my eye. The moment passes.

We are herded like cattle through the line. I pick up my over-priced cheeseburger that has been sitting there as long as immigrants have been coming to this country. I pay the cashier with money and a forced smile. I sit and stare at the burger as I mull over each bite. Occasionally my eyes search the premises to see if they recognize anyone from the previous incidents and quickly dart down when someone else's approach.

After I finish, I walk out towards my car, ready to get back on the road. A man approaches me and begins, "Excuse me, sir. I'm trying to get to Germantown. Do you know how to get there?" I fight to stifle a smirk.

Bills Win

Coming off of a heartbreaking loss, the Bills came home for the first time this season. The team didn't fall victim to a hangover. The Bills raced out to a 17-0 lead in the first quarter. Trent Edwards showed a willingness to throw the ball deep. Fred Jackson set a career mark in rushing yards. Terrell Owens got into the mix this game.

Two interceptions also helped the Bills fortunes. Despite the no huddled offense, Buffalo was able to run out the clock with the lead this time. The Bills beat Tampa Bay 33-20. There were only two negatives to take from this game. The Bills lost two tight ends to injury. They also struggled to put the ball in the end zone. One of their three TDs came from the defense. The Bills were forced to kick 4 field goals. A pick six isn't going to happen every game; when in the red zone, the Bills need to put the ball past the goal line with greater frequency.

Mayweather Dominates

Floyd Mayweather was a frustrated businessman, who had just heard that his wife is leaving him. Juan Manuel Marquez was the hotel room pillow.

After a first round feeling out period, Mayweather knocked Marquez down in the second. Marquez was like a befuddled real estate agent, never figuring out the proper location in the ring. He was a U.S. smart bomb, consistently missing the target.

Meanwhile, Mayweather rarely missed. Marquez doubled his opponent's punch total, but Mayweather landed twice as many times. He easily dispensed of one of the three best fighters in the world. Only Marquez's immense heart prevented an early ending to the contest.

Marquez isn't done. He has recently beaten two of the top lightweights in the world. Mayweather is simply in another class. It would be ideal to watch him fight both Manny Pacquiao and Miguel Cotto, but one of those will be eliminated from consideration after they fight each other in November. Shane Mosley is also an attractive candidate. We'll have to see if Paul Williams can ever garner the name recognition that will force Mayweather to fight him.