My no-longer fellow citizens. This is your former Dear and Fearless Leader. It has been a month since the coup and you're probably wondering what happened to me. I'm not hiding in some hole like a schnook. The United States has given me asylum and I now work at a prestigious think tank in Washington, D.C. and teach a course in leadership at American University. I live in a two-bedroom apartment in Chevy Chase, Maryland and shop at the Giant. I take the metro to work. Life is stable.
Part of me misses the power I held. I miss the countless number of beautiful naked women who would cater to my every whim because the threat of death wrapped around their necks if they didn't. I miss the Yes Men. I misses my palaces. But, most of all, I miss issuing decrees.
We've had some good times, but I know I must write a new chapter in my story. I only ask that my brother, the Feared and Peerless Leader, honor the legacy we created during my reign. Formerly fellow citizens, I wish you the best from the bottom of my heart. I will do the best I can from my current position to fulfill my life's mission, to bring prosperity to my native land.