Chilean Miners Recued!

I'm so happy that the miners in Chile have been rescued. It's a wonderful story. But I'm curious about their jerk off rotation while they were trapped in the mine. Was it first come first serve? Were there certain days assigned to each miner? Did everyone else have to look the other way while a miner jerked off? Or were the lines demarcating personal space obliterated by their circumstance? Did they play ookie cookie? They had to kill the time somehow and, in my experience, the way men kill time together is by playing disgusting homoerotic games. In any event, congratulations to the miners on getting out of the mine and still being alive.

No Sexting Scandal For Me

Brett Favre allegedly texted a picture of his (likely) wrinkly penis to a sideline reporter who looks like a younger, slightly hotter, version of his wife (who is a cancer survivor). If the allegations are true, which they probably are (because if they're not, we have quite a story that I've already deemed "The Incredible Penis Mix Up" just in case), it's all pretty sick.

But it got me thinking. I'm willing to go on record and safely say that I will never be involved in a sexting scandal. For starters, I'm thoroughly impressed that Brett Favre would be able to send a picture of his penis via text. I didn't realize that was possible and certainly wouldn't know how to do that.

Secondly, I can't dream of a situation where I would even want to send a picture of my penis to someone via text. I can't imagine that a picture of my penis would be very enticing. I think I'd only send a picture of it if I was explicitly asked, and I'm relatively sure that I will never be asked to text a picture of my penis to anyone.

That takes me to the sexting in general, sans penis. Maybe I'm old. Maybe the generational line for thinking texts are anything but tacky messages you send to someone you don't really want to talk to occurred the day after I was born. I just can't fathom sending a text for any other reason than to determine how late someone will be or to make the occasional pithy comment.

And it just takes me forever to write a text. By the time I've written a sexually explicit text, I would have had more than enough time to reconsider. I have a "classic" cell phone. Are they still called "cell phones"? No keyboard on the screen or other sci-fi crap like that. I don't have an Iphone and hearing the abbreviation BBM makes me giggle. I can only think of a big bowel movement when I hear those three letters. So, in conclusion, no sexting scandal for me. Sorry.

Self-Driving Cars

Robot-controlled cars could be in our future. One the one hand, it makes me nervous. I'm not sure I trust robots like that. On the other hand, it could be safer. Robots have quicker reactions than human, have a 360 degree peripheral vision, and don't get drunk.

The other advantage is that you wouldn't have assholes cutting you off or driving ridiculously slow in front of you. Also, the tiny female members of my family, who often can't even see over the wheel, would be off the road, always a good thing.

The problem with the robot cars is that a lot of powerful interests would be left out. States would no longer be able to roll in the money they obtain from driving infractions (whether real or perceived). Car insurance companies would cease to be (or at least they should). Neither state governments nor car insurance companies are going to capitulate without a fight. Even if it's in the public's best interest.

The Bills are 0-5

It seems like the season just started, but somehow the Bills are already 0-5. They still have a mathematical chance at making the playoffs, but only because it would be mathematically impossible for them not to. Another proficient offensive performance was wasted again today.

The anxiety begins to mount. There are 11 games left to win a game. I'm not sure when it's going to happen. But it better. I already spend enough of time crying myself to sleep. I don't need another reason.

I'm Your Benevolent Friend

Let's say I gave you syphilis. Then, I got rid of your dad and instituted a far meaner step dad in his place. Over the next 40 years, various step dads beat you mercilessly. And I supplied the belt. Not only that, I publicly praised your step dads for their compassion.

What would you do? Would you just accept my claims that my intentions were noble?

(More on U.S. relations with Guatemala at HQT-IE)

Gandhi vs. Rocky

I try to pattern myself after Gandhi and Rocky. That might seem like a bit of a contradiction, but it's all about knowing which person to follow with regards to a particular area.

Topic: Violence
Who I follow: Gandhi
Why: Rocky's violence is controlled and limited to sport, but I still like the nonviolent route personally.

Topic: Diet
Who I follow: Rocky
Why: A glass of raw eggs tastes hideous, but it beats a bunch of vegetables any day of the week. Plus, I like a late night/early morning nosh.

Topic: Clothes
Who I follow: Rocky
Why: It's easier to run in sweats.

Topic: Knowledge
Who I follow: Gandhi
Why: Like Gandhi, I can read.

Topic: Pithy Comments
Who I follow: Both
Why: Because Western civilization is a good idea, but if my turtles could sing and dance, I wouldn't be doing this.

Winner: Me!

MLB Playoff Predictions

AL
NYY over Min - Tex over NYY
Tex over TB

NL
SF over Atl - Phi over SF
Phi over Cin

World Series
Phi over Tex

Random thoughts:
The American League is the Canadian Football League of baseball. Use 9 players at a time or get out of the country!

Let me just reiterate, determining home field advantage based on which league won the all star game is moronic.

Sitting Down for the Anthem

The fascist-like social pressure to stand up during the national anthem to honor our freedom is ironic. I'm done with it. If we were truly a free country, we would have the right to choose to honor (or not honor) our country as we individually see fit. So I will no longer be complicit in standing up as a protest against the U.S. military actions and neo-imperialist policies.

Unless, of course, I'm sitting in the wrong (higher-priced) seat at a baseball game and don't want to draw attention to myself.

The 2010 Nats

The story of the 2010 Washington Nats is one of young players with potential and a whole lot of terrible defensive plays. Stephen Strasburg (5-3, 2.91), who had a sensational stretch, briefly made the franchise relevant. He's expected to miss the 2011 season recovering from Tommy John surgery.

The team's star, Gold Glove 3B Ryan Zimmerman, hit .307 with 25 HR and 82 RBI. 1B Adam Dunn, a free agent, hit behind Z. Dunn (.260, 38 HR, 103 RBI), who struck out 199 times, started the year with an inflated average that eventually came down. OF Josh Willingham only played in 114 games, but hit .268 with 16 HR and 56 RBI. The Nats had future Hall of Famer Ivan Rodriguez behind the plate. Pudge struggled at the plate, but was an invaluable member of the team. Fiery OF Nyjer Morgan (.253, 34 SB) had an off year.

But the future rests with its young players. Zimmerman is the cream of the crop among them. SS Ian Desmond (.269, 10 HR, 65 RBI, 17 SB) started to figure things out towards the end of the season. In the field, he has great range, but the rookie made 34 errors. OF Roger Benrnadina (11 HR, 47 RBIs, 16 SB) had a horrid slump at the end of the season, which clouded an otherwise impressive rookie season. 2B Danny Espinoza came up in September and showed prominence in the field and hit 6 HR and 15 RBI during the last month of the season despite a low average. C Wilson Ramos was acquired in a trade for Matt Capps and is a hot prospect. So is first round pick Bryce Harper.

The Nats spent money on starting pitching, but it didn't pan out. Jason Maquis and Chien-Ming Wang were oft injured. John Lannan (8-8, 4.65) was briefly sent down to the minors and Jordan Zimmermann struggled coming back from Tommy John surgery. Only Livan Hernandez (10-12, 3.66, 33 starts) was consistent. In all, 13 pitchers started at least a game for the Nats in 2010.

The best aspect of the Nats was its bullpen. Matt Capps had 26 saves before he was traded. Rookie Drew Storen was subsequently given the chance to close and performed well. Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett, and Joel Peralta were the pen's stalwarts.

Jim Riggleman will be back to manage the club next season after going 69-93 and finishing last in the division this year. But he had done a good job. Be that as it may, the Nats are not close. The defense was atrocious, the offense was sluggish, and the starting pitching was awful. Strasburg was the only starter to register a winning record. There will be a few more years of nose-picking and glue-eating for this young team.

The Bills are 0-4

I wonder if the Bills will win a game this season. I sincerely hope so. Time to go to the corner, strip naked, huddle in the fetal position, and cry myself to sleep.