Poor Larry Johnson

Ex-NFL running back Larry Johnson is suffering these days. He believes he has CTE although it can only be confirmed after he dies. CTE results in headaches, memory loss, and violent urges. It can sometimes be blamed for violent actions, which is something Larry is no stranger to. He has been arrested multiple times, including for domestic abuse. But a new symptom of CTE has been discovered. Apparently the disease causes Larry Johnson to tweet made up anti-Semitic conspiracy theories. This symptom wasn't known until recently.

Larry has two preferred methods of anti-Semitic conspiracy theories.The first method is he makes up anti-Semitic quotes. I'm not going to share any, but I will share my own made up anti-Larry Johnson quotes:
"Larry Johnson's facial is actually just his own shaved butthole hairs that he glues onto his face." - The Bible.
"CTE is responsible for all of my personal failings." - Larry Johnson.

The other kind of anti-Semitic conspiracies Larry peddles in are where he mentions two unrelated things and implies that they are somehow related in an anti-Semitic way. Let me explain with an anti-Larry Johnson example:

"Larry Johnson played for Penn State at the same time pedophile Jerry Sandusky was raping children. I think we all know what that means..."

The implication of course is that Larry Johnson is a pedophile when in all likelihood the two statements are unrelated. Larry Johnson's dad, however, worked under Sandusky for a number of years. The head coach knew about the horrible abuse, but not Sandusky's direct understudy? Hmm. Where's Larry Johnson to make sense of it?

I tried to pull some numerology and come up with a way Larry Johnson is Satan, but when a crunched the numbers all I could come up with is that he is a sad lonely man whose use to society has long since passed. He could use his platform to help people, but instead he chooses to sit alone indignantly tweeting barely coherent conspiracies into the abyss.

He can't separate undeniable fact from inconvenient fiction, he can't remember entire sections of his life, but he, Larry Johnson, has been able to sift through the noise and find conspiracies that no one else can. Listen Larry, get the butthole hair off your face, delete your Twitter account, and help someone. Start with yourself.