It has been over two months since I was the Dear and Fearless Leader of my country. My own brother ousted me in a coup and now I'm in the Washington DC area teaching a college class in leadership and working at a think tank. I thought keeping a journal might help ease the sadness that has gripped me because of this turn of events.
Things were much easier for me when I was the unquestioned ruler of a nation. Earlier this week, I was standing just off the curb in DC and a police car nearly ran me over. Another day, I was driving and there was a truck stuck in the right lane. So, as did everyone else, I moved over left a lane. Another car, that was two lanes over, sped right into the lane I was moving into, and nearly ran right into me. I honked and he waved wildly and continued to gesture at me. When I was the Dear and Fearless Leader, that stuff never happened because people tend to not like receiving bullets to the head or being lowered slowly into shark tanks.
Mundane stuff is also very difficult for me. When I was in charge, I had people to take care of things for me, such as acquiring women and condoms. Now, I have to rely on my own charm to get the women. So, I signed up for an online dating site. I went on one date and I think it went well. I was nervous, but I managed to make a move and kiss the woman.
Later, in the parking lot near her car, we were making out. I tried unsuccessfully to get her to come back to my place. But she said, "I really want you to put your hand on my breasts." I thought that was a good sign. She gave me her phone number. I emailed her, but she blew me off. I wasn't sure about dating etiquette. I read an article online that said emailing was ok nowadays. When you are a tyrannical dictator, this stuff doesn't matter; you just rape if need be. The whole scene is really getting me down.
I went to Giant last week to try and buy condoms in case another date went better. The packaging was very confusing. I saw a small box for $2.99 that said lubricant in bold printed on it. I didn't want lubricant, I wanted lubricated condoms, so I kept looking. I saw a 12 pack for for $9.99, but without being allowed to rape people, that seemed like an optimistic amount of condoms to buy before they expired in three years time. So, I moved over and saw a box of extra-large condoms. To my surprise, there weren't any extra-small condoms; it was very upsetting. I had one girl break up with me before I became president because the condom kept falling off in her vagina. I don't want that again.
Last night, my friend advised me to go to the CVS and buy three extra-thin condoms. The problem is that my CVS doesn't have a self-checkout as does Giant. I'm too embarrassed to hand some condoms over to a cashier. Today, I went to a CVS in DC and it had a self-checkout. But I didn't buy the condoms because I didn't want to pay the 5 cents plastic bag tax and so I would just be sitting on the metro while holding a box of condoms. That defeats the purpose of doing the self-checkout in the first place. These are problems I'm unaccustomed to.
Hopefully, things will start to get better soon. Bye for now!
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