My fellow citizens, I know that almost all of you love me more than you do your family members. I appreciate it. But certain elements of our population take umbrage with the prosperity I have provided to the populace. I call these people "Christians."
We don't know much about these people. What are they plotting in their so-called "churches" every Sunday? What's with those weird necklaces? Just yesterday, I saw a bunch with dirt on their foreheads. Freaky. And they're so damn sure that their worldview is right. That type of certitude is scary.
One thing we do know about them is that they worship the son, the father, and the holy ghost, which puts their nation in fourth at best. Does that sound like a patriotic group to you? To me neither.
Today's decrees
I will set up a commission to investigate these "Christians." It will be headed by Congressman Pedro Sultan, who is not exactly the most open-minded dude.
Let me be clear that the hearings which will take place as a result of the investigation has nothing to do with McCarthyism. McCarthyism condemned people based solely on their political ideology; these hearings will condemn people based solely on their religious beliefs. See, totally different.
If those persons who are interviewed as part of this investigation do not renounce their Christianity, they will be burned at the stake to see if their "Heaven" really does exist. They must come back and tell us their findings within three days or we'll punish their families.
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