Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Evil Leaders League, Season 2

This is the second season of the Evil Leaders League. The league will continue to consist of 8 evil leaders, three of which are new. This is a round-robin league, much like the English Premier League soccer, not a tournament. There will be a playoffs at the end of the regular season. This season's Evil Leaders League (ELL) is dedicated to Saddam Hussein, we'll miss you, and Robert Mugabe, who flexed his evil muscle just a few days too late last season.

Let's meet the competitors:
Omar al-Bashir - in charge of Sudan since 1989. Champion last season.
Kim Jong-Il - top dog in North Korea since 1994. Finished 2nd last season.
Hugo Chavez - president of Venezuela since 1999. Finished 3rd.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - president of Iran since 2005. Finished 4th.
Alexander Lukashenko - president of Belarus since 1994. Finished 5th.
Islam Karimov - leader of Uzbekistan since 1991. New to the ELL.
Vladimir Putin - president of Russia since 1999. New.
Nicolas Sarkozy - president of France since 2007. New.

Week 1
Kim vs Putin
Kim Jong-Il of North Korea had bypass surgery according to a South Korean intelligence agency. The surgery may have done wonders for Bill Clinton's sex life, but it doesn't help in the ELL. Russia's Vladimir Putin has been a rising star in the Evil Leaders minor leagues. He's killing journalists with such frequency, I'm even scared to say something bad about him. Plus, he's cock-blocked George Bush's foreign policy objectives so many times, Bush has resorted to jerking off to old tapes of Margaret Thatcher invading the Falkland Islands.
winner: Putin

Chavez vs Karimov
Hugo Chavez, the leader of Venezuela, has predicted a guerilla war against the United States in the coming years and he's getting his troops ready. Chavez is either a prophet (perhaps a self-fulfilling prophet) or he's insane. That's like the Detroit Lions picking on the Indianapolis Colts, you've got to admire the balls, but it's still ridiculous. Meanwhile Uzbekistan's leader Islam Karimov boils people. It sounds funny, unless you're the one being boiled. In a huge upset...
winner: Karimov

Ahmadinejad vs Lukashenko
A Taiwanese newspaper reported that Iran was cracking down on dissent. When a newspaper from Taiwan is concerned about freedom of speech in another country, you know it's bad. Even in the off-season Ahmadinejad continues to use language to get a rise out of people. He wants to "wipe Israel off the map" even though "Israel" isn't on any Iranian maps. Alexander Lukashenko of Belarus is just taking care of normal business. He's constantly meeting with leaders of various countries, dealing with the ebb and flow of his country's relationship with Russia, and while on the toilet he's thinking about putting a hyphen in between Luka and shenko. It would just be easier for all of us.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Omar al-Bashir vs Nicolas Sarkozy
The defending champion, Omar al-Bashir of Sudan, is back for a chance to repeat. US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice believes that the threat of sanctions on Sudan should remain. The reason might be because of the genocide being committed by government-funded militias in Darfur. Sarkozy is the newly "elected" president of the evil French empire. He is a strong-willed politician, who also understands the meaning of diplomacy. He's curbed Turkish immigration into EU countries, but he also successfully mediated the recent dispute between the twin Polish gargoylish leaders and the German chancellor at the EU summit. Because of that and many other reasons, Sarkozy is the darling of the world for the moment. But never forget, he's French.
winner: al-Bashir

al-Bash 1-0
Ahmad 1-0
Putin 1-0
Karimo 1-0
Chavez 0-1
Kim-J 0-1
Lukash 0-1
Sarkozy 0-1

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