An Open Letter from Mark McCloskey

I'm Mark McCloskey. You may know me as the guy who valiantly defended his family and his community with a semi-automatic rifle in the face of menacing unarmed protesters. Others may know me as a high-priced lawyer slash sex symbol. I'm what's known as a DILF or a "Daddy."

You've heard THE MEDIA's side of the story. Now it's time you hear mine. I am the victim! I have been painted as a racist, but nothing could be further from the truth. I interact with many African American persons. I have counted seven such interactions within just the last six months alone!

When my wife Patricia and I moved into our current house, the community board assured us that there would be no more than three American American persons allowed in our gated community at any one time. This is not a racist policy. It's simply a safety precaution. Our community is a gated community and, as everyone knows, "gated" is actually an acronym. It's stands for:

Gno
Apeople
Tof
Ecolor
Dallowed

When my wife told me there was a troop of ni--, uh African Americans, she said African Americans, I instantly understood that we were in dire peril. We grabbed our guns and goosestepped outside in a hurry. I'm not a racist. I've had black clients and they love me. I would even go so far as to say they are my friends. Because they are my friends, I always make sure to charge them at least full price for the sake of their dignity. When my wife and I got outside, we were horrified. There was a racially diverse mix of individuals chanting, "Black Lives Matters!" My world was shaken, I became very uncomfortable, and I started sweating uncontrollably. Instantly, we knew that our lives did not matter to these THUGS! As everyone knows, lives mattering is a zero-sum game. If your life matters then by definition mine doesn't. I am a victim.

I'm not a racist. When I see an African American person, I always say, "Sup!" and try to do their weird handshake. But when I point a deadly weapon at one little peaceful protest then suddenly people are calling me the worst racist ever. It's like all those "Sups" and all the love of all those African American clients don't count. This is THE MEDIA at work.

If I had to do it all over again. I'd point my semi-automatic rifle at those peaceful protesters again. I have a right not to be inconvenienced. I have a right not to be confronted with uncomfortable truths. I am a victim.I have a right to describe myself as a DILF!