Governor Brian Kemp is Learning a Lot This Week

Brian Kemp, the governor of Georgia, recently purchased a Netflix subscription in mid-February. Since then, he's been catching up on all the binge-worthy tv shows he's missed and hasn't been able to stay up-to-date on all the latest happenings with the coronavirus. So, Kemp can be excused for saying, "Individuals can be infected and begin to spread coronavirus earlier than previously thought, even if they have no symptoms. Those individuals could have been infecting people before they ever felt bad," at a press conference yesterday announcing a stay at home order for his state. "We didn't know that until the last 24 hours."

The "we" in Governor Kemp's last sentence was of course, his cute corgi called Jefferson Davis Kemp, the only other creature on the planet who didn't know that asymptomatic people could spread the virus when Kemp gave his press conference.

Governor Kemp has received a lot of flack as a leader who literally didn't know the first thing about the pandemic ravaging his state, his country, and his world. Kemp took the criticism to heart. He has holed himself up in the governor's mansion and has set out to "fill in the gaps" of his knowledge base.

Obviously, the governor knows that Santa Claus isn't real, but within the last 24 hours, Kemp has learned that the Easter Bunny is also not real. He always assumed it was a Jewish conspiracy. It all dated back to when he was a kid and the Easter Bunny would give little boy Brian a basket of Easter candy. But when Brian grew up and procreated, he was distraught to discover that his own three children never received their Easter baskets of candy. He was told today that the Easter Bunny is not real, that parents typically supply the baskets of candy, and that there was no vast Jewish conspiracy to deprive his God-fearing Jesus-loving children of baby chicken-shaped marshmallow fluff.

Within the last day, Kemp has also learned that tomatoes aren't poisonous, it was the lead plates; vaccines don't cause autism, but they do prevent diseases; climate change is real and human-made; trickle-down economics doesn't work, it only perpetuates income inequality; and there isn't a hidden trove of quarters lodged behind his ear. It was all just sleight of hand... much like the appearance that he was a competent governor.