Saudia Arabia Releases How Khashoggi Died

Jamal Khoshoggi walked into the Saudi consulate in Istanbul and disappeared. Saudi Arabia has had a few theories about what happened:

At first, the Saudis claimed he was involved in a fist fight at the consulate and died. He apparently bumped into former middleweight champion Gennady Golovkin, who happened to be at the consulate for some unknown reason. Triple G landed a straight right-left hook combination after the two bumped into each other that ultimately killed that 59-year old Washington Post reporter.

It's possible that Khoshoggi suffered a paper cut while filing paperwork and bled out in the consulate, the Saudis argued.

The Saudis later announced that Jamal Khoshoggi didn't die. He never even existed. None of us has. We're all just figments of a higher being's imagination.

Another theory the Saudis have pushed is that Khoshoggi died of guilt after writing critical stories about the Saudi royal family. It's happened before.

An early birthday present was planned at the consulate and he died of a heart attack.

It turned out that some body parts were found in the consular general's residence (I hate when that happens), so the Saudis changed their story saying that Khoshoggi died in a horrific can opener accident. After he was mangled in the can opener, the consular general used the can opener to open a BPA-free can of beans and some of Khoshoggi's body parts ended up in the consular general's clothes that he brought home. It's happened before.

What if we admit he was brutally murdered, but MBS didn't know anything about it. No good? Ok, never mind.

The Saudis' most recent assertion: The Iranians did it!