Monday, October 10, 2011

Dreams of Herman Cain (Episode 2, Part 1)

Read Episode 1 here.

"David, wake up. We have another mission to complete." That familiar voice. Before I even opened my eyes, I knew it was Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain. "What is it, Mr. Cain?" I responded in that aggravated yet resigned way that people offer when they know they have to get up but would rather stay asleep.

Herman Cain spoke in his customary halted manner, focusing intently on every syllable, "David, we need to stop 50 Shekel from taking over the world." 50 Shekel was a former Jewish parody rapper turned Jew-for-Jesus singer.

Since Jesus was apparently Jewish, there had been a revival of interest in Judaism among evangelicals. In fact, many had been converting to Judaism, but maintaining Jesus as their messiah. This gathering movement sought out 50 Shekel and anointed him as their leader.

"David, we must stop him." It made a lot more sense that I was involved in this mission than in the Bosnian diplomas one. I hated 50 Shekel. He was my arch-enemy. I disliked the hypocrisy of his claiming to be a Jew-for-Jesus- particularly after previously asserting his pride in being Jewish- for a Jew, by definition, does not accept Jesus as lord. 50 Shekel had also once called me a terrorist. But more than anything, I hated him because he was a really shitty musician.

"You're right, Mr. Cain, what's the plan?" Herman Cain straighten up from his hunched position over me still lying in my bed and stared straight ahead, which was about three feet over me, as if about to give a great visionary speech. "How do you stop a Jew? You must think like a German. That is why I will implement my Nein-Nein-Nein Plan." I wanted to stop 50 Shekel because he was attempting to change the very essence of being Jewish. I abhorred the Jesus part. Herman Cain despised the Jewish part. But we had a common goal and I saw value in working together.

As I got dressed and Herman Cain drove us to the airport, he explained the essentials of his Nein-Nein-Nein Plan. Jews could not eat pork, use electricity during Shabbat, and covet their neighbors. They had to say "no" to each of those things. If we could make that difficult, people might start abandoning their Judaism. They were converts and did not have history or ethnicity to fall back on. All they had was their religious belief. If we could break that, we could stop the wave of evangelical conversions to Judaism and break 50 Shekel's power base.

We needed to find a few select and influential communities and flood them with pork-only restaurants, fill the television stations with Jackie Mason marathons during Shabbat, and move in sexy neighbors. It would be a challenge, and the plan didn't make much sense, but on three and half hours of sleep it seemed like the only thing we could do.

On the plane, Herman Cain began drinking. He looked at me red eyed and spouted, "Listen niggahead, I like you, you're alright," and winked at me.

Part 2

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