Why I'm Alone

I'm heartbreakingly good-looking, an adonis physically, funnier than Woody Allen, and absolutely brilliant. So why are the ladies not falling all over me? It's a question that has dogged me for a number of years.

On my recent trip to Florida, it finally occurred to me. The secret was unlocked. I smell terrible. From greasy head to crusty toe.

I only have one pair of shoes that I wear constantly, even when I'm doing something athletic, which makes them stink like moldy cheese. I suffer from constantly sweaty ass and the spot underneath my balls is always funky save the first five minutes I walk out of the shower. My armpits smell like I perpetually have two unkempt hippies in a headlock. My beard's hobby is collecting and storing yesterday's meal. And my hair saps up any unpleasant smell I happen to pass by.

I think the ladies tend not to like any of that.