My fellow citizens, life is the best teacher. This weekend was extremely instructive for me. As your beloved leader, I always strive to discover new ways to improve your lives. Like a repeated bolt of lightning, I was struck several times by ways to improve our lives.
After experiencing two different episodes this weekend where individuals shut down roads to protect birds, I realized that should not be the responsibility of our heroic denizens. Thus, I hereby decree that animals are banned from the road. The road is a place where animals go to die and where fenders are dented. No more. To any animal reading this, stay off the road!
Ever go to a restaurant and somebody is telling rather boring stories with a rather loud voice (and the next day, they find that same person mysteriously dead)? I hereby decree that the volume level with which you tell a story at a restaurant must herein correspond to how interesting the story is.
The nation's silly band industry is hereby nationalized. Congratulations public, you now own your own industry! Don't fuck it up.