Monday, February 15, 2010

ELL, Season 7, Week 3

I think the amount of snow that fell on the DC area recently gave a few of our evil leaders some new torture ideas. Let's get to the results. As always, the Evil Leaders League site is just a click away.

Karzai vs Ahmadinejad
As Nelson Mandela famously explained, his tribe, the Zulu, have a tradition where boys are circumcised at age 19. The Popolzai, Afghan head Hamid Karzai's tribe, have a similar tradition where a 52-year-old's sack finally drops. Karzai celebrated by demanding a halt to the killing of Afghan civilians and asking for a handover of security to begin this year. He also has called for reconciliation with the Taliban. That might be good policy for Afghanistan, but in the U.S., that's about as evil as a gay marriage. Or a slight increase in government regulation.

In a recent speech to Hashish Partiers, Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadienjad was caught with notes written on his hand. The notes read: 1) Arrest political opponents 2) Get nuclear weapon 3) Lower Jewish spirits. Most conservative Iranians found the act to be "folksy."

Click to view the winners at the Evil Leaders league's only official site. All your friends are doing it.

Berlusconi vs Kim
On a recent trip to Israel, Silvio Berlusconi, the Prime Minister of Italy, didn't notice that a wall separates it from Palestine. He also didn't notice that, at the checkpoint, he had to get out of an official Israeli car and into an official Palestinian one. He said he was concentrating too hard on what he was going to say at an upcoming press conference. He should use the same excuse with his wife. "Sorry honey. I was so focused on my speech, I had no idea I was fucking that girl."

Kim Jong-Il calls the charge that wild swings in North Korea's currency are responsible for the country's mass starvation, "Western lies and propaganda." The bespectacled autocrat claims with a good bit of indignation that his currency policy has had nothing to do with the crisis; his people have been starving for years!

Obiang vs al-Bashir
Eve, the rapper, and her boyfriend are in trouble on suspicions of money laundering. Eve's boyfriend happens to the Minister of Agriculture and Forestry in Equatorial Guinea. The Minister of Agriculture and Forestry happens to be the son of President Teodoro Obiang. In other news, Missy Elliot is dating the Minister of Relations with the Parliament and Judicial Affairs of the Government Angel Masie Mibuy, Da Brat is with the Minister of Foreign Affairs, International Cooperation, and Francophony Micha Ondo Bile, and Foxy Brown is tied to the Minister of Justice, Cults, and Penitentiary Institutions Mauricio Bokung Asumu. What can I say, '90s female rappers are into Equatorial Guinean ministers.

Sudanese Omar al-Bashir's Chief of Staff reportedly called moderate Islamic fundamentalists "fucking retards." When asked if he should lose his job for the comment, a random woman from Darfur said, "Oh my word, that's a terrible thing to say. I haven't eaten for 8 months, the government-funded Janjaweed militia cut off my nose and raped me 17 times, but that's objectionable. The feelings of a particularly sensitive person could've been hurt. What a tragedy."

Shwe vs Morales
Myanmar's Burmese ruler, Than Shwe, asserts that his country's upcoming elections will be as "free and fair" as Fox News is "fair and balanced." He added, "They'll be free alright. But just remember, you get what you pay for." Not only is Bolivian president Evo Morales a trouble-making indigenous leftist, but he's also one of those feminazis, as he has been promoting women's rights. If the women aren't in the kitchen, who's going to stick his political opponents in the oven?
winner: Shwe

click for Standings

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