Iran with a Beard

I'm very torn right now. There is a short man with a beard. I want to root for him. I want to cast my hopes and dreams with him. For he is a reflection of me. We all long to identify with others on some plane or another. But this man is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. I think I'd rather his not-as-short bearded rival take the Iranian election. I hope that doesn't make me a tool of Western imperialism, but instead, a champion of the Iranian people's cause.

As it stands, Ahmadinejad won the election, possibly by dubious means. Mir-Hossein Mousavi's supporters have been flooding the streets in protest. Bush, the would-be leader of the "free" world, steals an election and we throw eggs at his limo; an election of limited importance is in question in Iran and they riot. Do the Iranians know that Ayatollah Khamenei's going to be in charge regardless of the name of the president?

But the election does have significance. It isn't the battle of potential-good vs. definite-evil that the West portrays it as. Iranians are not protesting over Ahmadinejad's rants about Israel. The election is about something different. There's a Farsi expression, which I will now translate: It's the economy, fucktard. There's also a cultural debate, but it isn't McDonald's vs. burkhas. It's more subtle than that.

But that isn't why this election's outcome is so essential. There is one spot open for Season 6 of the Evil Leaders League. If Mahmoud Ahmadinejad can retain his title, he'll return to the ELL after missing last season. If Mir-Hossein Mousavi triumphs, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi will take the last spot. The Iranians in the street are willing to risk life and limb because they think there should be more European representation in the Evil Leaders League. As Mousavi’s external spokesperson (and famous film director) Mohsen Makhmalbaf said, "Oh, you have to be brown to be evil. C’mon ELL, step up." Chants of "Evil has no color" could be heard in the streets of Tehran early Tuesday morning.

The head of the Evil Leaders League could not be reached for comment.