Arlen Specter's Stand Up Comedy

Hello, I am Senator Arlen Specter and I would like to perform for you a few anecdotes for your enjoyment.

As you may know, I am on the Ways and Means committee. Doesn't that sound a little like the curds and whey committee? I'm just joshing you.

Three Jewish Republicans walk into a bar. Then, they have a humorous conversation about how there aren't many Jewish Republicans. In fact, I am the only Jewish Republican in the senate. The Christian Republican senators like to tease me. They joke around by telling me things like I killed Jesus. I laugh politely and then go fetch them their coffee.

You know, I have cancer. That's not something to joke about.

What did the lion say to the mouse? Do you give up? "You should be fiscally responsible, so don't eat up all your cheese at once." Do you get it?

Sometimes, when we are discussing a highly controversial bill in the senate, I like to lighten the mood by referring to the bill as if it were a person named Bill. Senator Lindsey Graham gets a kick out of it especially. Then he makes me sing Hava Nagila for him.

Well, that's enough hilarity for one early evening. We've had a blast. But remember, there's nothing funny about voter apathy, so be sure to vote this November. Thank you for your attentive behavior and good night.