W: The Unauthorized Autobiography

Here are a few excerpts from W: The Unauthorized Autobiography of George W. Bush

From page 137, September 12, 2001: I entered a room filled to the brim with my most trusted advisors and Colin Powell. I sat down to receive ideas about what action to take next in our new war on terror. Donald Goodie Goodie Gumsfeld brought it to my attention that al Qaeda had had a meeting with Iraqi agents at some point. It became very clear to me that to save the American people we would first have to invade Afghanistan and then Iraq. Powell tried to argue some "jive" about no evidence of a link between the attacks of yesterday and Iraq. But he didn't have any proof that there wasn't any proof of a link. Condi kept looking at me all weird like.

From page 221, May 1, 2003: As I stepped onto the USS Abraham Lincoln, a rush of feelings flowed through my body. I was proud that America had liberated the Iraqis from the tyrannical rule of Saddam Hussein. I was glad to see the Iraqis greet us as liberators by tearing down the statue of their former dictator. I was relieved that our mission of shock and awe was accomplished. We were about to embark on a new journey with Iraq towards freedom and democracy. The entire ordeal was thrilling. After my speech, I called up Donald RumAndCokesfeld and thanked him for the idea. He told me that Condi wanted to tell me something that she had been waiting a long time to say. Something important.

From pages 276-7, July 17, 2006: I've always known I had magic fingers. My fingers were responsible for the numerous signing statements I used to "clarify" the Constitution. Condi told me they were magical the night of my "horrible misadventure." So when I saw Angela Merkel, my magic fingers jumped towards her shoulders. The sight of Angela has always filled me with a passion that I am hard pressed to describe. Don't get me wrong, I love Laura, but it's more of a comfortable love. She's been with me for a long time. She's a great lady, although her abortions bother me.

But it's different with Angela. I just wanted to rip her clothes off and move my magic fingers up and down her body as she quivers with delight. Well, my desires got the better of me and I placed my fingers on her shoulders and began to massage her. In that brief moment, visions of our naked bodies rolling around the floor together consumed my mind. I was fortunate enough to pull away before we grabbed each other. Later, Donald GinRummysfeld and I watched the tape of my moment with Angela over and over again. He assured me that he sensed she had feelings for me.