Derek Jeter is the Worst Player Ever

New York Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter has led his team to four championships, winning the World Series MVP in 2000. He was AL Rookie of the Year and has made eight all star games. He's won three gold gloves, two silver sluggers, and one Hank Aaron award. He has a career batting average of .316 and is a sure-fire Hall of Famer.

So how can I say that he is the worst player in Major League Baseball history? Well, I have developed a complicated mathematical formula to prove my hypothesis.

Let's first start defensively, where Jeter's ineptitude is legendary. A careful evaluation of Jeter's play at short shows that he is fairly decent on routine grounders, a little worse on tough plays, and utterly terrible on balls hit out to right field. Jeter has the worst ratio of any player on balls hit out to right field, particularly when compared to right fielders. This is a stat that I've termed SSRF. Jeter's SSRF is zero, which is not good.

Dissecting Jeter's defense of Tuesday games following a full moon, you begin to grasp how terrible he truly is. His TGFM number is 7 on a scale of 7 to 48.3. So he is the worst of all time according to the TGFM. Many people believe Jeter is a good defender because he has a high fielding percentage and has made some memorable plays, but those people have mental disorders. It's important to look at Jeter's range. Focusing on innings that are divisible by 3 in games that fall on a date that is a prime number, Jeter scores a -3 on the range test. To put that in perspective, Nomar Garciaparra scores a 1,287 on the same scale.

Jeter is not much better at the plate. On day games at home where both former mayor Rudy Giuliani and Billy Crystal attend, Jeter 's OPCS is only .713. OPCS is a combination of on base percentage and slugging percentage against curveballs. He is called Mr. November, but did you know his lgSLG is only .407 in that month? It's wonder he doesn't kill himself already.

By now, you are firmly convinced that Derek Jeter sucks. How can you argue? This is science! It must be objective. But don't believe me. Believe such hallowed baseball names as Rob Neyer, Bill James, Shane Jensen, James Click, Tom Tango, Mike Emeigh, and Jon Dewan.

The HarazQuack Times "Jeter Sucks" formula:
DP/chest hairs + errors ((assists - hot chicks banged) / HR x GQ + World Series rings - the number of sabermetrician Red Sox fans) = Jeter sucks