My Critics Respond

I've been hard on Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe lately. I've called him an authoritarian dictator with a quench for power that far outweighs his concern and compassion for his people. I also said he was old and pooped his pants.

Mugabe is fighting back. He said of me, "[He] is weazened, and shrimpled, and meanly cute. There is nothing about the man that is large, big, generous, solid, inspiring, powerful, or awakening. He's a small, lazy, odorous, ungainly, trickling stream, winding along and among the weeds that have grown up in the track of the great river, long since dried up. He is as cold as 32 degrees below zero. O that face!- that left eye!- that mouth... and his marathon time was beyond ghastly. I wish he would just shut up."

John McCain hasn't been a fan of my analysis of him either. He rebutted, "I am opposed to him first because he is a bachelor. Any man that will live in this country for [26] years, surrounded by beautiful women with rosy lips and dimpled cheeks, in every dimple lurking a cupid, with pearly teeth and sparkling eyes- any man that will push them aside and be satisfied with the embraces of the Democratic party, does not even know the value of time. He is a little, dried-up bachelor who courts men... I know this to be a heightened trait amongst the Hebrew people."

You know what Robert Mugabe? Takes one to know one! You're so old, you make John McCain look like a toddler. I'm not the one who has wrestled democracy, peace, stability, and success away from the proud Zimbabwean people. Stand up Zimbabwe!

As for you John McCain, calling me gay? Real mature. Jewish people are more inclined to be gay? Really, you wanna go there? Dude, I heard you can't even get it up. I would give Cindy McCain the time of her life. It's about time she had a real man, someone who cries during the movie Big Daddy but can also snap a pencil in one swooping attempt. Listen McCain, I know you're a war hero and everything, thanks for your service, but your face makes me want to throw up. Drop dead, dick.


note - Both are actual quotes about 1876 Democratic presidential candidate Sam Tilden... except the parts after the ellipsis.