An Average Republican Presdiential Candidate
three months ago:
National security is the most important issue we face. We need to bomb Iran, immediately. We must secure the border. As president, I would send every immigrant back to whence they came, regardless of legal status. We need to put more people in Guantanamo Bay. As president, I would intern all of the Democratic candidates for president and the cast of My Name is Earl. As far as Iraq, I already told you I would bomb Iran, which would create ripples of democracy that would fix the entire region. Last but not least, I would burn gay people at the stake to protect the institution of marriage. See, I'm tough.
since Labor Day:
National security is the most important issue we face. You need a president who would think carefully before bombing Iran, sending every immigrant back to their country of origin, and expanding the size of Guantanamo for no real reason. I would consult experts about Iraq and listen to their suggestions. See, I'm thoughtful. I would still burn gay people at the stake to protect the institution of marriage.
Free Advice for the Candidates
Giuliani - Don't worry about being a fundamentalist Christian and be yourself: a balding, gay divorcee.
McCain - Stop talking about Iraq and Iran entirely, nutjob.
Romney - Stop being bizzaro John Kerry.
Thompson - Welcome, Wrinkles.
Huckabee - Believe in evolution and you'd have a shot.
Ron Paul - You won't win, but at least a normal person can think, 'Hey, not every Republican is crazy," thanks to you.
(It's bad when Ron Paul is the 'sane' one).
Tancredo - It's over.
Brownback - Give up.
Hunter - Seriously? Staying in the race is like keeping a decrepit 19-year old cat alive and pretending it's healthy. Put the cat to sleep.