Dear Pastor John Hagee,
You frighten me. We Jews tend to be distrustful of non-Jews who take a fanatical interest in our people, especially when they are fundamentalist Christian conservatives such as yourself. Despite your many assertions that your fondness for Jews is not part of a Rapture-based philosophy, you and I both know that to be false. Cut the crap, man. Jews are simply pawns in your little plan to speed up the second coming of Jesus. Leave us alone.
As a Jew, I ask you to please stop your unconditional support of Israel. It simply ignites hostilities in that region. Please stop the celebration of Jewish culture in your church; it's just weird. Please tell your fiddle band to stop playing Hava Nagila. You are ruining an already not-very-good song. You should also lose some weight. Here's a healthy suggestion: put on a yarmulke and walk around there in Texas; that should inspire you to move your body.
Semiticly Yours,
The HarazQuack Times
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