Tragedy Denial

As a historian, one of my most important duties is to determine which human tragedies actually happened and which never occurred because an 87 year old man forgot a detail or two. The following are events that I deny ever happened:

Here's an easy one- the Holocaust
Apparently my grandparents are survivors, but you know what? I wasn't there to see it. Doesn't count.

Slavery in America
Except for the extensive documentation, there's no evidence to prove that black people were enslaved. Source: a white guy covered in leather at a Hoot 'n nanny in Arkansas.

Genocide of Amerindians
So we're supposed to believe that Europeans came to the new world and eradicated a vibrant group of people to near extinction? Then how come I see 53 Chiefs from Kansas City every Sunday? That means there are at least 53 different tribes in the Kansas City area alone. Not to mention the Redskins from DC, the Braves from Atlanta, and the Indians from Cleveland, (although I heard they're actually all from Bangalore). Sounds like there are too many of them for a genocide to have occurred.

Iraq War
A few car bombs every once in a while (say 1,100 attacks a day) doesn't constitute a war. And besides, if you fly over Iraq you'll notice that the entire country isn't on fire. Source: Donald Rumsfeld.

Franco-Prussian War
Prussian Chancellor Otto von Bismarck didn't alter any memos creating a common purpose for the Germanic territories to fight against France leading to Germany's unification. Despite what the Franco-Prussian war conspiratists would have you believe, there was no World Cup in Germany over the summer. Germany doesn't exist. No country in the world loves David Hasselhoff.

Shabaam Sahdeeq's song "You Need 2 Give It Up"
Over a sped up sample of the Fiddler on the Roof song "Tradition," Double S raps about a night on the town (in Anatevka?) with his "two way's bubblin bubblin [and] hoes gigglin." The chorus of course consists of "Y'all need to give it up, y'all crew can't fuck with us, y'all know we gets it crunk, we headed for number one." Maybe, I'm just hoping this one never happened.

The tragedy is that he has a couple of really beautiful songs on the album Never Say Never, like "I Still Love Her" a take off of Common Sense's "I Used to Love H.E.R." But on another song, he disses Mos Def and Talib Kweli for no reason and it ruined his career. (Why am I reviewing an album by Shabaam Sahdeeq? And one that was released in 2001? Doesn't make any fucking sense.)

A Late Night in Tehran
After getting high on the wacky tobacky, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and David Duke theorized about whether two people can make up a circle jerk. Or really, if you can ever have a circle jerk, considering circles don't have sides. (Did I just blow your mind?)