Fighting My Family

If my family had a boxing tournament, I sincerely believe that I would finish victorious and be crowned champion. Most of the women in my family are under 5 foot tall and most of the men are dead.

My two toughest challenges to overcome would be my younger brother Ian and not wanting to punch the majority of my female relatives in the face. My brother has me by about 50 lbs and 4 or 5 inches. I question how well he'd be able to use his size advantage against me. We're probably equally as strong. I'm pound for pound stronger, but if he's able throw his weight into his punches and keep me at a distance, he'll do well. I just think I'm too fast and can outlast him. It'll be tough for him to even hit a small jumpy target. Plus, I won the first boxing match 10 years ago.

There are only three other men in my family. My two uncles related by marriage. One uncle is a computer nerd and was never athletic. He'll have no fun, I'll drop him in one. My other uncle has a crazy streak. But his age and my speed will make him bleed. My decree, I'll drop him in three. My cousin is only five years old, I'd destroy him. But since he's five, I'll leave him alive.

Against the women, I'd just try to win on points so I wouldn't have to mercilessly beat them. But if they test me, this is what they got coming. My two cousins were athletes, one a figure skater, the other a synchronize swimmer. It won't help them against me. Their small stature takes away my uppercut, but still neither would be much of a contest. My aunts are tough and crazy. One will intimidate me with her yelling, but in the end, I'm too fast for her. My other aunt's too nice to hurt me.

When my mother grabs me and tried to kiss me, I've accidentally caught her with a hand or a forearm and she starts crying like a baby. She'll be easy to whoop. My grandma's a tough lady. She's got strong bones. But she's almost 80 years old, so I think I can take her. In 2000, she voted for Gore, so I'll drop her in four.