A Woman Driver: The End of Men

Danica Patrick is an up-and-coming Indy car racing star in the Indy Racing League. So what's the problem?

She's a woman. According to the 1950s film series that I watch constantly, "Women: The Mysterious Creature," women can't and shan't drive a motor vehicle.

If Danica Patrick continues to drive a racecar, the fate of man is in jeopardy. If Danica succeeds in driving the car, women may become inspired to do other male occupations: mechanic, doctor, astronaut, scholar, burp enthusiast, president, professor of science at Harvard, hairstylist, or even writer of this blog.

We all know that once women participate in strictly heterosexual male activities, such as driving a car or golf, with men, this society is headed for doom. Women will become men, men will lose their identity, and there will be chaos. Do you want that on your conscious Danica Patrick? Children won't have mommies and daddies. All of the tears rolling down the cheeks of the world's children will be your fault Danica Patrick.

We must keep our genders strictly defined. Men pee standing up. Women don't go to the bathroom (it's not lady-like). Men are smart. For example, Karl Rove. He called Republican voters in South Carolina in 2000, and told them that John McCain had an illegitimate black child. It wasn't true, but that was very smart (Republicans in South Carolina are racist). Mother Teresa (a woman) spent all her time with poor people, which is stupid. You'll never get to play the latest Xbox 360 games for free if you hang out with poor people. If Danica Patrick continues to race that car, Mother Teresa might (come back to life) and call Macedonian voters and tell them that President Branko Crvenkovski has an illegitimate Armenian kid, and Karl Rove... well... he'll still be a terrible person.

So Danica Patrick, for the sake of humankind, don't drive that car!